I am new to the forum and new to being the spouse of a diagnosed ADD partner, though we have known for some time that something was "different" about my dear husband.
I have started this post about a dozen times because I want to be respectful of my husband but also give an accurate account of life as it is. So before I get started, I want to assure anyone who reads this that I love my husband dearly, we are happily married, and while I might sound negative, I'm just coming for compassion and understanding from people who know what it's like.
My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We started dating when I was 14, married when I was 19, and we are coming up on our 11th anniversary. We have been together through high school, college and the beginning of our adult life. My husband is an Electrical Engineer, and I give private woodwind lessons and am mostly a stay at home wife and mother of our 1 1/2 year old son.
My husband is incredibly smart, very kind, romantic when he is feeling inclined, giving and super sweet.
He has always been a perfectionist, can't seem to get past a problem when he's faced with one, though he is also distracted easily, he works very slowly and has very little concept of time and time management. He also is often completely unaware that he can come across selfish and cold because he doesn't read emotional cues of other people. I'm sure there are other things that I am not remembering right now.
In school, this meant he only finished a handful of tests completely. He was late picking me up consistently, he would stay up all night playing a video game because he wanted to get past a certain point.
In college, this meant not seeing him for three days because he lived in the lab to get things done.
In our marriage this means that I do everything around the house. Everything. I have learned how to do a lot of home repairs, I take care of our three dogs, I pay the bills, I keep the house clean, I keep the garage clean, I finally hired someone else to do the lawn work this year with our new little one. But I do it all, which sounds typical from a stay at home wife, but really, everything. When my husband comes home, he usually plays video games or goes on a long bike ride.
For years, this has been a fine arrangement for us. He provides an income, appreciates my hard work, and treats me well for the most part. I don't mind doing a lot of the work around the house and I work quickly and am an organization freak, so it works well for me.
Our son is adopted, which means the adoption process was a lot of work that I basically did myself. When our son came home, my husband was stressed with work and having a new little one and so he avoided coming home. He would work, go on a long bike ride, come home just in time to go to bed. I was with the baby 100% of the time for months, with the exception of date nights, once or twice a month.
I told him I needed him to step up, he felt horrible and promised to work harder, and nothing changed. Again and again. And again. I tried helping him create a schedule at work, I read books on how to help organize his life better, I tried giving him "due dates" on projects I needed help with at home. None of this worked.
Eventually I had enough of doing everything, realized he might have ADD and finally talked him into visiting a doctor. He was "somewhat diagnosed" (the doctor said "highly likely you have ADD") but he refused medication.
We are currently in a second adoption wait, hoping for a second child. I absolutely love motherhood, love being a wife and can't wait to have a second child. I am, however, concerned. I got married to have a partner, and while I love being a mom, I don't want to mom him anymore. I need him to adult every once in a while.
Anyway, that is our story. I just needed to share it somewhere. I hope that my time spent here is more encouraging than needing encouragement, but thanks for reading anyway :). Feel free to ask questions if you need more information.