grief ---relief

I am tired of dealing with it all.  The emotional infidelity, the messiness, the financial mess.  All of it.  And because of our financial situation, I am stuck.  I go back and forth- not even sure if I love this man.  And when I think I do love him, something happens and I get slapped in the face (emotionally).  If somehow we end up apart, there will be grief over the loss.  18 years of marriage.  The person I thought I would be with for the rest of my life, gone.  Grief for my youngest son who would be devastated if his parents were no longer together.  But then there would be relief.  No more wondering what he is doing and who he is seeing.  No more cleaning up his mess.  No more watching him spend (that we don't have to spend) on s*** he doesn't need.  Oh the glory of a clean house.  And being able to just do whatever I want, when I want. 

Something has to give, soon.  I can't keep living like this.