Tonight I am wide awake grieving. Grieving for the man I fell in love with and grieving for the woman I used to be. I wrote two letters tonight, one to the husband I originally fell in love with and one to the man I am married to now. I miss who he was and how he loved, but as far as I know that person never existed to begin with. The man that has replaced him is far from the ideal I had in my head of the man I was marrying. I've come to terms with this for the most part (of course it still hurts). But, the woman I am is also so far from who I used to be. I miss the patience I had. I miss the innocence and hope and pure joy I used to have. I miss the dreams I used to have. And sometimes I just sit and cry because I am 19 YEARS OLD and I am missing a version of myself that existed just a few short years ago. I am so young to hold so much pain. Watching my friends live carefree lives and chase their dreams hurts sometimes. I know I am young and I have a lifetime ahead of me to work on myself, but the trauma I've endured will stay with me for a long time. I miss not having a weight on my chest. Don't get me wrong, I have gained many things: communication skills, long suffering, an ability to unconditionally love. I am stronger than I ever believed I could be. And I love who I am when I am wholeheartedly loving someone else. But at this point, who knows if I will ever truly be able to love someone else that way. I need to heal but how do you even begin? 
I appreciate everyone on this website so much. Just knowing other people have walked the road I have walked, have carried the same burden, and have dealt with the same issues is so reassuring to me.