The smallest things turn into a HUGE deal! Just last week I took one of his precious sharp knives out of the butcher block to open a package. He sits there and watches me and goes "I REALLY wish you wouldn't use those knives to open packages. It just dulls them". Guess what? The VERY next day he gets a package and opens it with the SAME knife I had used! Back up to about a month ago when we had a bunch of rice leftover along with teriyaki. I froze the teriyaki and asked if I should freeze the rice too. Oh my god he looked at me like I was crazy! "Why would you even think of freezing rice? No! Either throw it out or keep it in the fridge". Then a few weeks later the same thing where we had a bunch of rice leftover. Guess what? He put it in a tupperware container and put it in the freezer! Last winter I left the door from the living room to the garage open because I was in and out doing laundry. He practically has a tizzy because the furnace is running and here I am with the door open. The next day with the furnace running he opens both the front door and the back door and leaves them open so that the cats can go in and out at their leisure! Oh and he has a tizzy when I don't cover something in the microwave and it splatters a bit. Yet 30 minutes later he's doing the same thing!
I am really tired of being berated for minor things and then he turns around and does them and I tell them that he JUST had a fit because I did the same thing yesterday. He blows it off and goes "Whatever...it's not a big deal". Really? Because yesterday it was a HUGE deal when I did it!
Oh and this incident was just awesome too. About 2 years ago we went on a trip to see some motorcycle racing. A friend and his dad were going too but weren't able to get a room so they stayed with us. They rented a car and we rode with them around town. Well one morning we stopped at McDonalds before heading to the races. H and I are in the back seat and I am doling out the coffees. Everyone gets theirs and then H tells me to open the 2 sugar packets and put them in his cup. Well absentmindedly I open the 2 packets and then with the same hand take the lid off the cup, dumping the sugar all over the back seat. They are only small sugar packets and there's not that much, but OMG, H just couldn't shut up about how moronic that was. For the next 10 minutes I heard "Oh my god. Really? Really? How could you do that? What were you thinking?" I got so angry. I felt like I was a 10 year old getting berated. I admit it was dumb of me but he could have laughed it off and then cleaned it up quietly rather than going on and on and on about it in front of them. Then about an hour later we were walking and my shoe had come untied for the second time. He tells me to tie it and I say I'm fine that I'll just wait until we are out of the crowd. He tells me "No we'll stop and wait for you while you tie it". Once again i felt like I was 10 years old.
Through other's eyes
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Mapper,
I can relate to this post. And it took me a long time to understand that other's ACTUALLY DO see my spouse's behavior - as HIS behavior. And have spent many a year respecting my choice to be with my spouse.
I have heard some comments lately that have surprised me, like "Why did he treat you like that?" or "Why did you let him treat you like that?"
Hard to explain to anyone who has not walked this walk, the bizarre communication patterns we developed to avoid long drawn out back-and-forth ridiculousness in "motives" behind why a shoe got untied, or why sugar got spilled on the back seat of a car.
As I learn to "let it go" or even to stand up for myself in the kindest way I can, I am starting to wonder why I just don't turn around and say "KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY."
Of course I do know - I will not berate my spouse to others.
"I have heard some comments
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"I have heard some comments lately that have surprised me, like "Why did he treat you like that?" or "Why did you let him treat you like that?"
I've heard these also. Family members and friends who don't understand ADHD have said this to me many times. They've encouraged me to leave my husband. I would have several years ago, but being disabled and having no income I don't have hardly any choices. Our lives became "his life", and my career and/or abilities were pushed aside because I had to be his back up person, which included weekends (bringing him things he forgot when doing marching band, etc.) He always told me he HAD to work alone and that the administration wouldn't get him anyone to help him, but now I believe he preferred to work alone. That way no one was looking over his shoulder, but then I became the "go for" person who did all the running and back up stuff. Plus, I had to take care of everything else at home.
Anyway, I've been blamed also for many, many things I didn't do. I really don't understand why the under treated ADHD persons have to ALWAYS blame someone else, and never take ownership of things....(unless it's praise, then they did EVERYTHING and NO ONE helped them).
Hmm, I just don;t know the answer either.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Well, dedelight4, I can say for certain that I fall into the category of a lady who had some degree of The Cinderella Complex. While I certainly did not fear independence, I did have the desire to be taken care of. and as is typical, it is becoming more apparent as I grows older.
I do not believe for any moment that is wrong. However, in my case, I got swept off my feet by a "rescuer" who was a wounded healer - inasmuch as he had so many hurts, it was an unconscious choice to be a help to someone else, rather than take care of himself. That was also fueled in his case, by his upbringing of always looking to others needs first, not getting prideful, and not acting selfish. Guilt was used a lot by his parents. He also had a very critical father. Nothing he or his siblings did was ever good enough. He brings that pain in to our marriage. It really amazes me to see how he is stuck there - as he was VERY aware of it since I met him when he was 25. How did he get so stuck 32 years later?!?!?!?!?!? Eyes wide open, and still walked right into the pit.
Oh well, I am pretty much feeling like Belle, in The Beauty and The Beast. I see the dear, sweet man that is stuck deep inside his behavior. Sheesh. How to hold tight until the next chapter of our lives story.. . . .
Consistent playing out of
Submitted by copingSAH on
Consistent playing out of double standards going on around here too. This summer it's been a lot of yelling at us to get inside and shut the screen door to keep mosquitos out. Then spends all evening going in and out of the door -- and keeping his neighbor hostage outside while the mosquitos eat the poor man alive. Also chooses to "work" on the screens in the evening when mosquitoes prone to swarm in, instead of waiting for daytime.
Your husband sounds like a micromanager like mine is. I think it is because when they feel out of control or distracted (whether at the races, or among friends/guests/public), so they need to fixate on something they can have control over, namely their spouse. Some people just smoke a damn cigarette, for crying out loud, LOL. My own father does that with my mother I notice, ADHD or not... he berates her on how she takes/swallows her meds, what purse she carries, on and on. All I can say for sure is that my father hates himself but doesn't know it so he hates on others to make him feel better.
Half the battle is just detaching and knowing 100% that you have nothing to do with the chaos. It'll make you feel a bit better. A few times I have had to raise my voice in public just to keep him from goading me about some inane thing -- it's sort of like when I've been busy in the kitchen, after 4 hours on my feet, he comes in berating me about unswept mudroom. I just simply tell him I simply have no time or energy to devote to another demand.