So tired of being on edge EVERY SINGLE NIGHT when he gets home from work! He has been pretty good lately and I thought last night would be the same. He walks through the door, calls me hunny bunny, gives me a kiss. I tell him that he must have made good time getting home since he's usually home about 15 minutes later. He tells me he left work an hour early to drop off a customer at their house because his bike wasn't ready and that's why he's home early. He didn't seem upset that he had to do that and was in a good mood. Well then I told him that I hadn't seen one of our cats since I've been home whereas, if they aren't there when I get home, then they show up within 30 minutes or so. We get worried because we have had 2 cats go missing in 6 months and another one of ours was MIA a couple of weeks ago longer than we like, but came home within the hour. Well when I told him the cat hadn't been seen yet, then his whole attitude changed. He started getting upset and asked if I had called for her and I told him I walked down the street shaking treats to no avail. He goes and calls her to no avail. Then starts ranting once again about how someone is taking our cats or poisoning them and it's unf**king believeable that another one is gone. About 30 minutes later she comes walking into the house and I yell to him that she was home. He was sitting on his computer and he snidely says "Thank god". I pick her up and bring her into the computer room to show him and he turns and looks at her and flatly says "Where the hell were you?". He is acting like he could care less that she's there because he's still wound up about the fact that she wasn't there when he got home. I tell him that I'm tired of worrying about the cats and he practically interrupts me before I get that out and goes "Well I don't know what to tell you. We NEED to get them GPS collars". I tell him "I had thought about that before..." and before I can finish saying "but they are so bulky" he says "Then get some!" End of conversation. If I had asked what kind or anything he would have snapped. He just wants me to take care of it because he's had a crappy day. See, it's all MY fault that they don't have collars just like it was MY fault that she wasn't home when I got home. He doesn't give a crap about anything until it's too late and then blames me. I go out to the living room and he comes out shortly thereafter and starts ranting about how horrible his day was and that he had to do EVERYONE else's work and didn't get a damn thing done. Funny, because when he walked through the door there wasn't a hint that anything was wrong. Then goes back into the room and I follow him and try to calm him down by putting my arms around him to which he wriggles out of and goes “I get it okay??!"
I just leave and go out in the living room and start warming up leftovers for us for dinner. He comes out and says snidely “I’m over it so you can stop tiptoeing around. I had a stressful day at work and when you told me the cat wasn’t here it just made it worse. It’s not your fault the cat wasn’t here but it was the last thing I needed to hear”. You are damn right it’s not my fault! Next time I won’t say a word if the cat is missing then, I’ll just let you figure it out for yourself. And whenever you have a bad day I’ll make sure not to say anything that’s on my mind because it will just upset you. I set up trays because we usually watch tv in the living room while we eat. I dish out everything and put it on the trays and tell him it’s ready. Well he says he’s just going to eat in the computer room and comes out and grabs his food. He’s never done that before so I am left feeling like crap.
Another lovely night and this is all because I told him I hadn’t seen the cat. That one cat roams so it wasn’t out of the ordinary for her not to be there, but it was odd for that time of the day. I pondered just keeping quiet about it and hoping she would show up shortly after he got home, but then I feared she wouldn’t and he’d be mad I didn’t say anything to him when he got home and would have got mad at me for that. So once again I lose. Can’t tell him anything because in some way it’s always my fault for saying something or for not saying something.
Eggshells
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Sorry you're having to live with that much emotional volatility on your husband's part, Mapper.
...I read what you said from your POV. And then read it again from his.
You'll know. You're there, and the two of you deal with this daily. But as I read it, it looked to me like he was using his workroom in the home as his Man Cave, to deal with himself, or at least isolate himself, until he wound down. Taking that cat in there, for whatever good motives you had, kind of upped the emotional ante on him, bringing the kitty perp to him, so to speak.
It sounds like this anger/irritation coming from him has gotten you walking on eggshells, because there have been so many expressions of irritation and volatility on his part, and you now will do anything to as you say, calm him down so another one doesn't happen. But then, you're both intelligent; he probably knows that you're trying to make him quiet down.
...Might I suggest that if he says why he is irritated ....he did... and seems to retreat to a space, that you not go into his "retreat" space to try to fix his feelings?
I have so much appreciation for your turmoil and wanting to do everything that you can to avoid more irritation, anger, sarcasm, nasty words coming your way. I grew up turning myself inside out to avoid another hit of that kind of thing, myself.
But if he retreats, I say let him live with himself in there, especially given this emotional quick-shifting that people with ADHD can do.
I do his kind of retreat myself, when I'm trying to deal with my own strong feelings and I don't want to dump them on other people. My thing is to go take a walk or drive.
Next time, try letting him retreat and recover. See if that works.
I think Now hit her head w/ the nail :)
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree w/ Now.... So many times we can get overly pleasing, overly engaging....
I think we do it because we are basing it on how our mind and emotions work (appreciation of kindness, empathy and consoling).. But I would always kick myself later for engaging with relaxed peaceful comments, that only produces something completely disrespectful....
Minds that can't comprehend kindness and information sharing on a unified adult level will many times assign motives to what they hear.... Usually when this is going on their comments coming back will be dysfunctional and many times disrespectful....
If we speak to them while they are in a spirit of unrest (our desire to console), more times than not we are only asking to be insulted.... If they struggle w/ focus; your engaging may just irritate them....If they struggle w/ Control they may hear every thing you say as a challenge and respond to your information with instructions; like you are seeking advice or asking permission?? Don't ask me Why??...LOL..
.It's just another one of those reasons I say...Quiet is good:)
C
Came home in a great mood,
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Your H came home in a great mood, then the cat was missing, and then his mood changes AND he rants that his work day was terrible.
I don't believe his work day was terrible.
I have seen this scenario over and over in my home. Their anxiety (cat missing again) gets "set off" and then they dysregulate. The cat is found, but the cycle of dysregulation is still in motion. They "know" that their horrible mood is no longer justified because the cat has been found.....SO.....they lie or exaggerate a new problem (horrible day at work) so that they can justify their behavior. Your H knows that you really don't know how his day at work really went. Sure, there may have been a hiccup or two, but likely it wasn't a really bad day otherwise he would have come home in a bad mood.
When my husband deregulates over something small or something that is now solved (like finding your cat), his "go to" justification for continuing his rants is that I've "been a bitch all day/week." When our kids were younger and would hear this, we'd all look at each other because we all knew that I had done little/nothing to deserve that.
H's "cover" was finally blown when I had just come home from a 3-week trip of helping with my dying dad. During that time, H and my communication was very "short and sweet."....no animosity or anything. Mostly just "dad updates," etc, since I was very busy caring for my elderly dad...feeding, bathing, dressing, giving meds, etc. Well, the day after I returned, H dysregulated over something minor and he pulled out his "go to" rationalization, "you've been a bitch all week." Boom! Wrong! I haven't even been home. Caught! Proven that he just uses that as an excuse to "cover" for his ridiculous reactions and behaviors. After that, he stopped using THAT excuse and moved onto a couple of other BS excuses.