I have been hoping over the past few months that I could finally see a way past my husband's constant insistence that he will make immediate changes to his lack of follow through. I am now beginning to believe that will never occur. He removed my check writing pen from my desk for the umpteenth time and I had a melt down yesterday; I fully admit that I acted inappropriately. He is unable to understand that I have my own desk and belongings, and that he should respect that; his response is that I should keep more pens at my desk (tried that previously and he simply took them all till none were remaining). I tried to talk to him about setting up a repayment plan for our equity line that he has maxed out with his business debt, but he accused me of being paranoid and panic stricken; for the first time, I really felt as if he was gaslighting me. After nearly 40 years together, I do love him but this is tearing me apart. We have been to counselors many times over the years, but the response from him is always the same: he does not know why he does these things and will just try harder -- it never works. I have already removed him from our savings account to safeguard what few assets I have left to me, and believe I will now have to decide, on my own, how to proceed. I just feel so very sad that he no longer treats me as if I am important enough to matter. His clients and work are most important due to his actions. I told him yesterday that he does not need to have an affair since his work is his mistress.
I have no one else to talk to about these things (Mom is 91, best friend is not married, etc.). Counselor has told me to grieve for what is lost and move on. I am not certain I can do so in the same house as it is just too chaotic and causes me a lot of anxiety. Rather than work on anything difficult, he tells me his is sleep deprived, distracted, and has too much work to do (for his clients) -- same story, same refrain -- why am I unable to realize that it is no longer "us" but just "him."