:( Having ADHD and getting married seems like a crime!

I am a 25 yr old male with adHd & mild tics, reading this website makes me feel as if I should not ever get married, getting married to someone non-adhd would totally disrupt their lifestyle and would be like a selfish henious crime from my side with smne's life............ I dont know what to do coz deep down I am not a bad person I am on the contrary very child like and kind hearted ; so I dont know - but 98% posts here are so much filled with negativity and horrible experiences that people have had that I dont even feel like telling my to be fiance that I am adhd and she could visit this website coz if she does god knows ................... what an ugly reality!

You have an advantage...

You know about your ADD and you can work on your "Tics". You should tell your "To Be"  about the ADD, she should know. Many of the post here are from people who did not know their spouse had ADD, or it's affects. Many, like me, have gone through like not knowing Why they were different. I was diagnosed at age 43. This was quite a shock, but explained so much. ADD can be okay in marriage IF you are willing to do the work and deal with how it affects you and your family.

Don't panic, keep reading, get treatment (If you aren't already) and make sure your "To-Be" understands what ADD is and how it affects relationships.


 

YYZ

Please tell her

Linking your life to someone else for life is hard enough, without finding out (as most of the spouses on here did) that you didn't know the person you thought you loved.

Do you want to have kids? The odds are that at least some of your kids will have ADD, and parenting ADD kids is hard and not always successful. (I was a complete failure at it.) She deserves to know going in that her children will probably have a neurological difference (to put it most kindly) and she is in for more than the usual challenges.

ofcourse I will tell her, not

ofcourse I will tell her, not telling her is not an option, i want her to know about it just as much as I know and if she still cares to work with me nothing like it coz i am ready to try really hard to be more patient and manage myself better and better.

Knowlege is Power!

We are here because we are frustrated with our significant others NOT taking the responsibility to help themselves or their spouse. You are here beforehand to see and it is GREAT because you both can see what happens when miscommunication starts and where the frustration begins. Knowlege is POWER! Read on and see how NOT to be and/or let her see how NOT to be. Either way, you both will have the advantage to see what we wish we could have seen before we ended up sad and frustrated. You may also see that some names have only posted a couple times. Maybe they found what they needed to improve and moved on? Try not to worry about the harsh negative comments. I think it is easier to vent when your spouse isn't looking. Sometimes it helps to get it out somewhere without destroying them or hurting their feelings when your in your most deepest, darkest, helpless, moment. In the end we all pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and go forward. There are some amazing couples on here that "work it" together! They share their successes and because they are doing so well, they don't post as often. Good luck to you and your fiance.

Not a crime to get married

but I will tell you what I think is a crime and is the source of a lot of the angst you read about here.  Being so convinced in your way of thinking that you can't see anyone else's.  Hearing your partner tell you over and over "when you do x, it causes me pain" and ignoring it so that you continue causing pain to this person you love..

If you don't do those things, and my ADD hubby (who neither of us knew had ADD when we married) doesn't do those things and didn't do them for a substantial period of time before we found out what the problem was, you will have a happy marriage.   I know this is true because I have a happy marriage....and we have ADD related challenges at times of course, but everyone has SOME challenges.  At least you know going in what you will be facing if you study it together.   Being happy is as possible for you as anyone other couple falling in love and having a happy marriage.

But you have to have the same things all happy marriages need (and some of these things might be a bit harder for you because of your ADD).  

You MUST have good communication

You MUST each respect the others way of thinking and feelings

You MUST be a full partner to your future wife and make sure you know what this means to her (see communication above)

 

You know you have this challenge, so be sure she is informed about it fully.  Don't let her say "Oh you have ADD, you don't seem like it to me" and let the matter drop.  This kind of statement means she has no idea in what ways ADD will affect your lives together.  Get a book like Melissa's, or Hallowell's Driven to Distraction or Married to Distraction and discuss the challenges together.  This will make you SO MUCH BETTER prepared to face them together.

NOTHING feels better than for a couple to meet a challenge together head on! But nothing feels more damaging as feeling that it is your partner's traits that you are most fighting against, so please don't let that happen to you.

Most of the negativity you read here is from couples fighting against the same negative things happening over and over and over in their marriages with no end in sight.   Frequently this is because the ADD mate is simply not acknowledging that they are any part of the problem or that they were in the position of doing that for so long that their mates aren't yet trusting that the new and improved husband is the *real* one.

MUCH happiness out there to be had and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND marriage, but be sure that you and she are both prepared!

hmm... thanks

Thanks Aspen, I will definetly tell her about my ADHD, I am the kind of person who can't keep things hidden and am somehow too frank :) My brother was like take it easy dont tell her too early about this atleast don't give it a name"adhd" (I live in India and here this term is very uncommon" so people might get the wrong idea.

But  ya I aim to write down pointers I read on this website and then read them together with her, I plan to tell her that "I come with a instruction manual :)" and thatsuch and such situations might come up in future and I might react in certain ways etc. just to be well prepared.

I think I am scared that due to my impulsivity and anger outbursts procrastination I dont want her to suffer due to all those, she is a very organized quiet patient calm have life figured out and in control kind of people and I am like a wolf doomed to sit in a rollercoaster ride for life ............ But ya I know I try really hard to improve myself every now and then, I try to pick myself up every so often and I have been a succesful entrepreneur in someways ................. 

 

Thanks will keep your pointers in mind. This was my 1st post here and this seems like a very helpful place.