My wife and I have been together for 5 years (Married 1.5). I was diagnosed with ADHD just after we were married. The diagnosis explained a lot of the problems we were having and some of my feelings for many years. Fast forward to now and we are still having problems. While I am working on myself (albeit slow progress), I don't feel like she wants to take any ownership about her role in our dynamics. (I do plenty of this to the point where I am always feeling like the "identified patient.")
One recurrent theme in our relationship is that my wife (non-ADHD) refuses to acknowledge how she also contributes to our parent-child dynamics, fighting, arguments, etc. I feel like am expressing how I feel intense criticism and overexplaining (e.g., "let me say it a different way so you get it this time"), but she refuses to acknowledge that she bears any responsibility for this dynamic in our partnership.
Most importantly, I am left so frustrated and hurt because she won't acknowledge the struggles and the associated feelings that I have (struggling to stay on top of things, feeling shame and guilt about my symptoms and the impact on her, hurt by her criticism, etc.). I just get more criticism or blame. I don't need her to fix my feelings, I just want her to hear and understand how challenging it is for me without it turning to criticism and blame (e.g., empathy).
This is getting to a boiling point for me where I am now intentionally stonewalling her until she acknowledges my feelings and what I am going through myself. I am not proud of this, but other attempts just don't seem to be working.
Does anyone else struggle with this in their relationship? Advice, thoughts, support?