Having Trouble Coping


I just found this website today, and boy am I ever glad I did. I have been reading through some posts about frustrated ADHD spouses, and I find that my situation isn't so different from any of yours.

My husband and I have been together for 3 years, married nearly 1. He told me that he had ADHD when we first began dating, but I didn't feel like it would have a big impact on our relationship. I know now that I was wrong.

My husband has all of the classic symptoms of ADHD. If I'm talking, he doesn't focus on what I'm saying, and will interrupt me in the middle of a sentence to begin talking about something entirely different. If I'm talking to someone else, he has to interrupt me just to finish what I am saying. If I ask him to do something, he procrastinates about it for hours, then forgets to do it - so I usually end up doing it myself. To add to the problem, we are living with his mother who also has ADHD.

My mother-in-law keeps telling me that most of our problems stem from his ADHD. Until now, I thought she was just making excuses for him and letting him use the ADHD as a crutch. The more I read about it, though, the more I realize - hey, she's right!

I find myself completely overwhelmed. I work a part-time freelance writing job, usually 3-4 hours a day, and I'm also in school, which takes up the rest of my time. At the end of the day, I find myself cooking, cleaning, taking care of his mother's animals, doing laundry, calculating finances, finding lost keys and other items, and paying bills. By the end of the day I drop into bed mentally and physically drained.

Every time I try to talk to my husband about the problems, he always pins the problems on me. He tells me that I do this and that which results in him exhibiting this behavior. It's always a different excuse, and normally its "my" fault. Most recently, I've complained to him that I want to move into our own place, and that I'm not happy here because I feel like I'm taking care of everyone. He told me that I'm finding things to be unhappy about, and that me complaining so much about things is making him feel inadequate and unhappy.

Another major problem is his extreme overreactions to things I say. I could say the most innocent thing in the world, and he'll blow up like I accused him of murder. He'll say all kinds of nasty things to me, and then turn around and apologize for it later. I hate to say it, but the apologies don't make up for the hurt caused in the first place. His inattentiveness and lack of respect for me really hurts. Not to mention, if I ever mention how much I do, or how badly I feel, he says he does ten times more than I do, and feels ten times worse. He goes to work, works 8 hours, and then comes home and sits on games ALL night long. I realize that it can be exhausting to make himself focus all of the time, but I wish he could be compassionate towards me when I'm feeling stressed, too.

In all honesty, I don't know what to do. I feel like our marriage is headed straight down the drain. I find myself depressed, stressed out, and generally exhausted by the end of each day. Does anyone have any advice on how I can work through this? I'm really determined to make this work, because regardless of the things that frustrate me, I still love my husband.