Is he cheating?

I have been with my current bf for 8 months now, long distance (2 hours away). He was diagnosed with ADHD with some OCD symptoms.  I honestly can accept his certain traits of ADHD, because I grew up with a ADHD brother.  I saw the worst, my brother couldn’t sit quietly in the class and was violent towards his classmate when he was angry.     

We used to see each other twice a week, then went down to two times a month, now we only saw each other 3 times in the past two months.  He was attentive when we were together, bought grocery before I came, added gas for my car and we didn’t have any problems with intimacy.  He was quick to judge, but if I told him that I didn’t like his comments, he would apologize!

However, I have this feelings that he is cheating, at least emotionally.  I read articles about the cheating of ADHD is related to attention disorders or distractions.  I wrote him two emails telling him what I didn’t feel comfortable of what he was doing, never got replies and he kept doing what he did.  On the normal dating forum, all those are big no no, but since he did have ADHD, so I listed some his behaviors below for the experienced ones to tell me if there are any problems and if all those are ADHD related:

  1. He never answered my questions about what he did or where he was.  Or he said he was at work, but he checked in Facebook somewhere else.  He got frustrated if I persisted, and I hated confrontation, so normally I dropped it off once he showed signs of agitation.
  2. We don’t text each other often, sometimes I went for a week or two without any news from him.  I texted him once or twice in between to check on him but never got replies.   On the other hand, when we were together he couldn’t put down his phone, constantly texting or emailing, sometimes even during the night.   And he always said he texted his friends.   His phone is not password protected though.
  3. He unfriended me on Facebook when we had the first argument and told me he would add me back on later but never did.   He went to Philippines for a 10 days vacation without telling me, when he came back, there was a photo of him with another girl.  His post was not visible for public, but he featured that photo so everyone could see.
  4. He had history of addiction to dating apps, it affected his working performance as a result.
  5. My name on his phone is a sexual innuendo.  There are no more sweet talks between us, but criticizing or complaining about what I do.  On the other hand, he needed constant reassurance from me that I didn’t see others behind his back.  
  6. The planning of dates was getting worse.  He didn’t actually forget, but he would change all the time at the last minutes on the days I had to travel.  Not to mention all the broken promises I assumed he forgot. 

What are you really asking?

Some of your 6 items could be indirectly related to ADHD....But, if I had you listed on my phone like he does, and if I disrespected you by not replying to your attempts to contact me like he is doing....I wouldn't be viewing you in any kind of healthy way....You would just be serving a purpose for my own lustful and selfish desires....

If a friend of yours that you really cared about was sleeping w/ a guy who was treating her like he is treating you...What would you tell her??  You probably should think more highly of yourself....

C

 

I don't really know.

Thank you for your reply, C. I am new to an ADHD partner. He is not on meds but has a personal coach, who is accessible even out of business hours, which is hard to believe for me!

For how he called me on his phone, I didn't even think it as a big deal until you mentioned it. I thought it as he tried to HIDE something but not to confuse himself since he had a huge contact list, not in a derogatory way to me.

For the way he texted, I did feel he was indifferent to my life. But if I asked questions about electronics, or the things he was interested, he would answer in his time frame and then disappear as he got tired. I am not a big fan of texting and calling either, if I asked him how his weekend was, and didn't get a reply, I wouldn't be bothered to ask again. My problem was more towards he was not engaged enough with me when we were together. He just couldn’t put down his phone! Does an ADHDer text his friends or family that often? I would think those circles are more boring?

I wanted to get out this relationship so I wrote him that I was not comfortable with what he did. A week or two passed without any news from him, then he came back asking if i forgot about him. He played his ADHD card very well, always asked me for more patience and always told me what his problems were. A hookup shouldn’t cost anyone this much of energy.

I have never confronted him on the other girl or his trip. Believe or not, I think he will easily give me some excuses! I can have the patience with an ADHDer, just as I hope my sister-in-law would have more with my brother. But honestly I can’t tell if he is cheating. Meanwhile I don't know if he is worth my time since I don't know what is going on in his life or even when we will see each other again. He did mention a time when we left each other, but I just assumed that he would change again and again until he felt guilty!

My husband has adhd. He is

My husband has adhd. He is gone a minimum of 12 hours every weekday. If he's not working on the weekends,  He's so rundown and exhausted that he's usually sick and/or sleeping. He's very withdrawn and distant. He excludes and shuts me out of most of his life. He appears to be secretive. I'm not sure if it's intentional or not. When we attempt to take on projects together, he doesn't allow me to have any input. When we attempt to do recreational activities together he makes it so rigorous that it's impossible for me to participate or sneaks off and does the activity without me. He's completely incapable of being part of an intimate, connected partnership. 

Is he having an affair? I don't think so, but it's still a lonely and painful way to live. 

I don't have any idea if your boyfriend is having an affair or if his actions are due to his ADHD. Either way, you must decide if this relationship is the kind of relationship you want to have for the rest of your life.

I just can't decide yet

Thanks Hopeful heart!  I am sorry to hear that you have a hard time!  

I don't have trust issues before!  I am very logical person with an artistic imagination.  Since i can't make senses of his actions, my mind goes wild specially after i read too much on the topics of communication/texting or infidelity in relationship forums. I only found out his ADHD after 2-3 months dating.  It will be easier for me to leave because of cheating, but not because of his ADHD.