I really can't believe I am going to put this out there, but I have to get it out. Currently only my in-law's know (and my bff about the first...only recently). I will try to make this as concise as I can, but it will be long. Sorry.
Dh was diagnosed with ADHD about 5 years ago. He has been off and on with the meds and has been off for quite a while now. He is 37 years old and had no record up until last year. Last year, he had gotten fired from his accounting job in April. In May, I went to bed and he was working in his home office. I got up at 3:00 to use the restroom and he still wasn't in bed (not unusual). I got up around 6:00 to get our son up for school and notice the van (our only vehicle) is not in the driveway. I check downstairs. No DH. I wait a little while and get son off to school without alarming anyone. (My daughter is still home and I was scheduled to work a childcare job that morning.) I call DH and his cellphone rings...on our counter. So I have no way to reach him. By 10:00 a.m. I call hospitals. Nothing. I did acutally check the local county jail (thinking he got into some kind of brawl). No dice. Now I am worried and have no car to look for him. I break down and call his mom around noon. I am in tears and she is also worried. She and f-i-l come down here (about 1.5 hours away). We call the police and fill out a missing persons report. M-i-l and I drive around for a while. I get a call late that afternoon from the police that when they entered his name in to the database, it popped up for an arrest at 3:00 that morning for burglary. WTF?? Finally, he calls late that afternoon. First time he could get a phone. Can't say much, but tells me to bail him out. I told him his parents are there and he is upset, but then realizes why I had to call them. F-I-L pays the bail, we get him out the next day. The story: He did try to break into his old office to get some of his client's files (the clients he brought to this firm and took with him when he left.) I guess his card to get in the building hadn't been deactivated, and he somehow got into the office but triggered the alarm. He ran in the bushes and hid, but when police and company owner came out, he came out and gave himself up (figuring they had cameras). Did he ever call and ASK his old employers for the files? No, of course not. It was a shitty year of him having bouts of depressions (staying in bed all day), starting all kinds of projects to avoid work, super angry and bitter toward everyone and not working and/or billing clients. In January, all the court crap finally ended. He got 2 years probation, 20 hours of community service, and a mandatory mental health evaluation and subsequent treatment. At the end of the two years when all is completed, the class D felony (attempted theft) will become a misdomeanor. I was actually excited about the mental health eval. But has he made an appointment yet, almost 6 months after getting the info??? No. Nor has he done any community service. He is finally billing clients and focusing on work again. And then....
Last Monday I had to work all day. He needed the car so he dropped me off at work. My kids stayed home (they are old enough to be home for short periods of time, but not all day.)It was really busy (which is a good thing where I work) and I was in a really great mood. Until someone transferred a call to me around noon, saying it was my kids on the phone. My kids NEVER call me at work and we have disucssed that they should use that number (instead of my cell ) in the event I get dropped off and Dh doesn't come back for a while. That has never happened, but I always thought about a fluke accident (even though work is 5 min, from my house.) My stomach drops. They tell me that Dad hasn't been home since he dropped me off. They aren't upset or anything, but just thought it had been a while (3 hours!!) Now, they were perfectly fine, doors locked, can get themselves things to eat, etc. (they can probably stay home alone for longer stretches, I am just a freak about it.) I am supposed to work till 5 and have no way to get home. I tell my boss (who can see from my face) that something came up at home and could I please leave. I feel terrible, because it is so busy. She is understanding and I get someone who leaves at 1:00 to give me a ride.I get home, kids are just fine. Sadly, I immedaitely go to the county jail site and look up inmates. There he is. Right then, I get a call from m-i-l. She asks what is going on, because she got a collect call from the county jail but couldn't get to it fast enough. I start bawling and tell her the story and what I know (which is nothing right then.) DH calls her back and says right away the kids are home by themselves. M-I-L assures him I am now home. The story (and I don't know it all yet): He had gone a different way home a car pulled right in front of him. He goes around the left of the car and then has to quickly make a right turn, so pulls in front of the car and brakes to turn right. Car rear ends him. Person driving car turns out to be a cop. Yeah. Now, Dh tries to make this sound innocent, but I know his road rage. And I know he did it purposely to "teach the guy" a lesson. He does this crap all.the.time when we are with him. This time, he just did it to the wrong person. He is arrested for criminal recklessness. I guess several cops then showed up and were just hanging out by this guys vehicle chatting and talking. Now, is is possible this cop is being an a-hole? Yes. But, again, I know Dh's track record. So that was Monday. It is Saturday. DH is still in jail because I guess they have to review his probation and that can take up to 7 days. We have no savings, credit cards are maxed. I have to transfer money (and pay a penalty) from our kids' college fund to bail him out. Which I probably can't do till Monday. And I am thankful that the kids were home (albeit alone) instead of having to wtiness it all and deal with getting put in the back of a police car (they would have had to take them right?), cops having to come get me at work, etc.
M-I-L came down Monday so we could get the van that had been towed (there goes $200). She knew I would not want to tell anyone. Plus, she watched the kids when I had to work Tuesday. DS's birthday party was scheduled for Friday night. DH planned some big campout sleepover for him and his friends. I was not a big fan of how many kids were coming and how long he had planned it for, but decided it would be a good lesson for DH who decided to take this over. Now, he won't be here. My first inclination was to cancel, but DS still wanted to do it. I went ahead with it. I was proud of myself. Mowed the lawn, put up the tents, made the fire, and ran the whole thing. DH missed it all. I had to lie to people about where he was (stuck out of town for work) and also my friend who watched the kids so I could work one evening. My kids know he is in jail (when you only have one vehicle, it has been several days, and he works from home, it is kind of hard to cover it up.) The person who tells them NOT to lie just told them to lie to their friends about where he is. And if it weren't for needing him to bill his clients (I am working on finding a full-time job for the fall), I wouldn't care if he stays there. This week, besides the stress of knowing he is there and wondering what will happen to him, has been stress-fee. I can do dishes how I want, without someone telling me I am doing them wrong. I do have to look at his unfinished projects, but I know that no more can be started. I did have meltdown once or twice, but it has been pretty serene here. As of Thursday, he knew nothing about bail. So, I didn't take the money out, which means he can't get out till Monday at the earliest (that would be the 7th day, which is how long they said it would take to go over his probation stuff). he hasn't even tried to call here today.
My in-laws are upset and want to (well, my m-i-l, at least) want to sit down with him. I am already coming up with what I am going to say when I get him out. I am seriously writing it down. My first inclination is to tell him to get out, but since we can't afford two households and have one vehicle, that can't happen. Last time he came out. he was pissed off about everything. I think he finally got teary and gave me one decent sorry a few hours after getting home. Then it was piss and vinegar about how he was somehow "wronged". I am coming up with my ultimatums (first on the list...immediately call and make the appt. for the mental health eval.) I am just beside myself and cannot believe this is my life. I have no idea what he will be like when he gets back. What if he has to do jail time??? Ugh. I guess I wrote this to get it off my chest. I am not really expecting advice. I just cannot imagine telling people when they ask where my husband is, "Oh, he is in jail." If you made it through the whole thing, thank you. I am sort of in denial right now.