We had a huge fight:
he said It was " all about him" meaning I should support him 24/7
that all I did was "hurt" him
That I should leave his stuff alone, he had mixed food and groceries with tools.
He needed someone to listen to him.
I was so angry I wanted to move out.
My hubby , often hears what isn't said or doesn't remember what is said.
We get into fights that sound like this:
If you had told me that, I would have done this ............................. I did tell you that AND it's in Writing but you lost it
He gets up like the clown car the other day . while I'm listening to a guru. When I ask that he stop just "taking over" He looks at the TV and says are you listening to that ASSHOLE Again,
Then he goes off in a sulk because I am not delighted he's happy this morning.
two days down the line... I watch Sienfleld and David Letteman.. He joins me, I say... Do you want to call him an asshole ( Sienfield ) . He hears Do you want me to call YOU an asshole.. He gets up to leave
I apologize but try to say why I did.it.
I live with the same.
Submitted by Libby on
I live with the same. Constant misunderstandings as to what is said. It is called auditory processing disorder. I have become silent in the relationship in rder to preserve my sanity.
Gracieinnh...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Your comment that your hubby went off and sulked says you are dealing with an IMMATURE person. His ability to function as a reasonable adult is an issue itself. Add Adhd to the mix and you have your hands full. I know....I am dealing with the same thing.
Please know...until YOU understand how adhd works the stress and tension is never ending. Don't bother trying to explain it to him. You will wear yourself out. Learn about it and do YOUR part....do not expect results on his end. You will be amazed at your own discoveries about you. You start taking care of you. YOU are not responsible for his behavior! And I am sure he is doing just that and you are trying to " explain" to him. You cannot have an adult relationship with a child.....
Learn what ISN'T adhd. Pouting, screaming, hateful looks, stomping off,excuses, excuses, excuses. Learn to walk away silently. Adhd does not require you to have NO expectations and that is a slippery slope you can easily go to. Don't.
My thoughts are with you.
We must walk away!
Submitted by c ur self on
It sounds like he has no memory and you have to long of one....Just kidding....
It's tough when only you know most of the arguments that come up, wouldn't have ever happened if they had better recall ability...I think that one is the hardest to walk away from for me....When I know she has no clue about the reality of what was said or done...but wants to fight to the death anyway...
We are progressing, the last couple of years after one of these death matches....When she finds out I was right....she will come to me and admit it....But for some reason, she hardly ever says anything about how getting that emotional over something that trivial was...NO light comes on??..LOL....
WOW...we just have to learn to let it go...Just walk away and let it go..... Sorry, I was talking to me;)
c
Same experience
Submitted by Lily-Wife on
My spouse & I seem to have the same disagreement over & over. He says he does not recall the reasons, or main themes, of our disagreements even though I try to be clear and concise. Does he really not remember the content of our upsetting fights or the things he commits to working on? If he tells me something I make a mental note and really try to work on it. Why don’t I get that in return. I feel sad and alone.
mental note ??
Submitted by c ur self on
You are thinking he has the same capacity to do this as you.....You are also thinking he cares as much as you do...They never do care as much because your concerns are about his normal....So try to write down your expectations for him...Verbal communication about the things you don't like...Is the very worst way to get your message across to most Add Minds, and have it stick anyway... (in my experience)
c
We hear different things
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, all,
Yes, I have a similar issue and am working on resolving it. If I say to my husband we should do something, he often immediately feels he is being criticized, not that I want to make a plan with him.
Another reaction is to agree while seeming to disagree. We bought something used yesterday. I said let's put it on the porch and I'll clean it before taking it into the house. My husband replied we have to take it into the house. When I sought clarification, he said he was agreeing with me, that we should not leave it in the car when we got home. Huh? When I tried to explain he seemed to be disagreeing with me about putting it on the porch, he insisted he did nothing that would give me that impression. He insisted all he did was agree with me, and we would put it on the porch. We put it on the porch, but first I had to wait while he got some cardboard to put under it. Immediately he said we had to take the item into the house because it was raining, and the humidity would ruin it. Huh again? We are not running the air conditioning or heat. Windows are open. I think the humidity is the same in the house as on the porch. I decided not to ask any questions, and I helped carry the item in. He insisted on putting it in the middle of the nice living room carpet. I certainly won't scrub the item in the middle of the living room, so the clock is ticking for me to move the item and clean it before he comes home tonight.
I feel the need to clarify when my husband says something puzzling because all too often we were not saying the same thing. I'd like to hear your experience in handling miscommunications.
All the best,
Angie
Communication attempts....
Submitted by c ur self on
This is my suggestions, and what works for us....
Accept it's going to be slow go...Do way more listening then talking....And get right in their face and make sure you have there attention (eye contact) before speaking, (short sentences) and check for understanding, just like you would with someone with dementia....Text messages are very good also...When it's nicely written, they have to focus to read it...
Never enable him...(IMO) When he gets home, you should have a nice note on this item, that say's move this to the Kitchen or back to the Porch (some where away from your carpet) if you want me to help clean it.....
c
Communication attempts that work and those that don't
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, c,
We are each different, and so are our partners. After dinner my husband announced he was going to clean the item. He asked me what cleaner to use, and I made a recommendation. When I said let's carry the item to the kitchen and clean it there, he said he wouldn't splash water on the living room rug or the furniture, there is cardboard under the item (there is not), and forget it, he was no longer in the mood to clean the item anyway. That's that. I'll clean it today while he is out. We couldn't communicate on this small task. There are endless future opportunities to communicate differently. The good news is we did not argue.
All the best,
Angie
Your Senerio...
Submitted by c ur self on
Yes, we are different, (as is our spouses) but it is also uncanny how much the behaviors and circumstances mirror each other....I'm glad you didn't argue, you had a situation where it could have gone either way....You chose to offer up what you felt was the wisest way to handle it...Then not press him when he chose a different course....Which was ultimately to do nothing as it turned out....(This is common for my wife)....This small sample of reality along side your husband, actually has a great lesson for us, if we care to receive it....
When we choose to press (start the verbal sparing) someone who isn't like us, and will never SEE things as we do....We only hurt ourselves and the relationship....The only thing I would add here is Accountability...If it was me, and the item in question was her idea to begin with...Then she would be the one cleaning it, once she refused my offer of help last night....IF I was the initiator or an equal partner in the desire to have the item, I would do what you are doing...To many times I have cleaned up her messes (enabler) because I though it just had to be done (like my mind was calling for it) then....What was really happening with us was; I was allowing myself to be used and taken advantage of because I refused to walk away and stop mothering....I was miserable and she was a happy-go-lucky invalid..... That's Changed:)