I'm the non-ADHD spouse. A little backstory, we've been married for two years and I've dealt with a lot of his impulsiveness, rage, mood swings, and general irresponsibility. These things caused me to create unhealthy coping mechanisms and dynamics and earlier this year our relationship was pure chaos. So we went to counseling and things started to get better. But recently things are crazy again.
I realized I have severe depression and anxiety so I started on some antidepressants which truly saved my life. The first day on them, my husband was so happy with the change I made and he actually cried saying he missed me and he's glad I'm not suffering.
Weeks have went by and now that I'm in therapy dealing with unhealthy coping mechanisms and codependency issues, it's awoken a beast inside of him. In our entire relationship, when he sets boundaries whether he vocalizes them or not, they're expected to be followed or he will rage. So his boundaries are always respected. Recently I started setting my own boundaries and all hell has broken loose. He doesn't respect any of them. He makes me feel bad for having an hour or two to myself. My medication makes me really tired so if I go to sleep an hour before him (usually around 1AM) he'll complain for a week saying I don't want to spend time with him and I'm always hiding from him so I can't complain about not spending quality time with him because it's my fault we don't have it. Usually we have sex every day or multiple times a day, but since starting antidepressants and birth control I have a much lower sex drive. This has been such a problem. It's "my fault" I have a low sex drive (and it's not even low honestly, he's just hyper sexual) Now instead of every day we have sex every two or three days. Which to me is plenty often. But he makes me feel guilty constantly. He says I think he's nasty and when I do want to have sex he's says I'm just lying to make him feel better. Even if we have good sex and I tell him I enjoyed it he says I'm lying. This has caused so many arguments it's not even funny.
Finally, if I tell him I need reassurance or I need to talk about a problem, he jumps past listening and tells me everything he thinks I'm doing wrong and what I need to do better. When I tell him I don't need solutions I just need to vent and feel better, he says I never want to change and I blame my depression for everything. When I ask why he always points out what's wrong with me even when I'm just trying to tell him my feelings he says he has to fix me because I'm incapable of fixing myself (even though I am in therapy and taking medication to fix myself). He says he has to fix me his way.
All I see now that I've gotten a grip on my mental health are red flags. He's not medicated and not in therapy but says he is putting more effort into changing than I am and I'm not trying hard enough
I had no idea me changing for the better would trigger a side of him I've never seen. He is so critical and cold towards me it's honestly making it more difficult for me to set boundaries and make personal progress. I'm at a loss here and I have no clue what to do.