He Keeps Blaming Me

So my DH admits that he likely has adult ADHD, but says that meds will suck the life and personality out of him.  Yet, he'll self-medicate with pot...which I believe leads to withdrawal symptoms. Plus, it's illegal and he promised to quit when we started dating 4-5 yrs ago. I'm not comfortable with it....and now he does it behind my back. It's a roller coaster.  We had a big blow out today about his temper/hyper-critical behavior (again); he keeps saying I need to look in the mirror at what I can change....and that I need to stop blaming him for everything. I know I'm not perfect, but I know when someone is talking down or rudely to me....and I won't put up with it. Others have observed his hyper-critical behavior and have told me so. Therefore, I know it's not just me. I've analyzed the crap out of it...maybe I'M the one causing the issues, what can I change about ME, etc. He tells me over and over that "he can't help the way I interpret things" or that "he can't help it if I think he's always out to get me, put me down, etc." It makes me crazy, because I don't think I'm doing anything wrong! I feel I'm interpreting his tone or what he says like any other normal person would!

We've been through marital counseling (about a year ago - the ADHD was never discussed) and things were great for several months after that. Then a little stress came our way (sold our house/moved into a new house, he started a new position) and we're back to square one. Our life is not THAT stressful, though. We both make decent money, no kids....no major worries overall. He wants to start a family, but we can hardly the minor frustrations of being married.

I don't know how much of this is the ADHD or how much is just "irreconcilable differences".  I know he can control it to some extent, because I would not have put up with it while we were dating.....but maybe he was using pot more, then and I didn't know. He has had issues with his temper/critical nature all of his life. I've been told that it had a lot to do with the failure of his first marriage....and that he's a lot better than he used to be. However, if I even touch on his past relationship issues, he freaks.

I love him so much and I know he loves me. While he has this hyper-critical, quick to anger, condescending nature about him, he also has many wonderful qualities: hardworking, funny, generous, sensitive, romantic. When we're not at odds, he treats me like a queen.

I guess I just need to vent and see if anyone can relate....just looking for some support and/or words of wisdom.

 

Unsure if this helps but I

Unsure if this helps but I get blamed too as soon as my ADHD dh feels overwhelmed by the slightest thing. And especially when I bring things up. I just want to talk like a husband and wife, just communicate.

I wrote a post last night about how upset I was when he didn't help (wasn't able to help due to ADHD) because he was shutting down. This morning I brought it up to him so we could discuss but the discussion degenerated into

  • how I didn't save him the last donut (6 donuts in the freezer but he immediately blamed me)
  • that he was ADHD BECAUSE my narcissism, depression, possible spectral disorder GAVE him ADHD
  • that I'm the one blaming and not discussing my issues. I'm the minor goddess of analyzing. I brought up my own issues and now it's his ammunition it seems.

I've been trying to fix my depression for the last 6 years while he has denied his ADHD for 6 years.... there seems to be a correlation, no? He says until he goes gets his diagnosis (which he is willing to this month), he says I should just shut up. I am really trying but now it's like an easy excuse to not discuss our marital issues because now "I have ADHD now so you can't expect me to even listen/help".

DH pot supply source terminated a month ago (and I hope this is permanent). We're still arguing but his temper and rages I would say are less irrational. The anger or irritation over silly things (like the donuts) this morning isn't screaming in my face, but more like I can't wait to express my disappointment type of reaction... I would say the pot smoking which was very heavy on the weekends, then nothing during the week -- I saw a lot more irrational anger at the early part of the week, leveling off by the end of the week. The anger was the type where he just charges into the room and starts yelling over some perceived paranoia that I was at fault for making him angry (couldn't reach me on the phone if I was in bathroom, etc). Then the pot smoking would start up again on weekend.

At one time, he was sneaking a smoke at least a dozen times a day. He knew it was wrong, because I found him tip-toeing about it as quiet as a mouse so I wouldn't know. I am not pot expert nor medical expert on this but I always felt the pot was an depressive drug that he self medicated with on the weekends to stop his racing thoughts that seemed to be driven ironically during the work week. So when the pot is gone the first day of the work week, all those racing thoughts come with a vengeance. The pot seems to stop the connections in dopamine (?I really am not sure here?) and make him slow down to a crawl but this is very fleeting so he has to smoke more and more over the day.

We have 2 children and if I had to do it over again, I would not have children... it's very stressful because we are under the weight of real responsibility for two innocent human beings and the weight of ADHD and my own issues. When it's not stressful, it's wonderful but I know compared to other families with just normal challenges, I feel like I'm hiding a lot more skeletons when we go out. I especially hate if he's been cold and angry towards me in private and when we go meet people, he's able to become extremely charismatic and easy going so I end up looking like I've got the problem because I can't switch on and off as easily as him. It's almost like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes.

 

I can relate to the jekel and Hyde

I get frustrated with my husband who has ADHD. I have seen him go from bring totally content to ticked off in 5 seconds. Have no idea where it comes from. One minute he is fine next minute he is mad and have no idea what causes it and turns it around on you quicker than you ca blink. I find that both extremely frustrating and exhausting 

EXACTLY how I feel...jekel and hyde

My DH does exactly the same thing. I'm walking on eggshells as I never know who I'm dealing with. For example....things are peachy...then he reaches into the fridge to find that we are out of milk (or ham or cheese or whatever he needs at that time)...which he makes my fault because I haven't gone to the grocery yet (I go weekly)....and thinks I should drop everything to go right away as I should KNOW how much he needs to have "X" around the house....and it's so SELFISH or IRRESPONSIBLE of me not to make sure it's there at all times or to drop everything when he needs something....he's do it for me. Ugh.

 

jekel and hyde

I walk on eggshells too. Its like anything that  goes wrong just rocks their world. They cant just go with the flow if something comes up. Its exhausting for sure. We had an incident with potatoes the other day.. I forgot to get them when I went to the store and he got upset about that and then just decided to not grill the other stuff. Had to come up with plan B. I am starting to see that many others have the same issues. Nothing is simple with them. Its like riding a roller coaster and we just have to hold on and go for the ride with them. Life is not boring with him for sure.

The biggest issue with me is

The biggest issue with me is that ADHD dh talks AT me, rather than to me, so many many times it will sound like he's blaming me for one thing or another.

For instance this hour, I told him that our ds1 has a dr. appt on Friday and there was a quiz at school the same day that he might be able to make up. Well, instead of responding with "make sure he can make up the test", dh goes on and on about absolutely NOT missing a quiz for a dr appointment. And getting unnecessarily adamant about his going to school that day. I told him that I asked son to double check with teacher so I know for sure he has to be in school that day, but I cannot give dh a definite answer this very moment. Told him why don't you double check with your son. Still goes on about the school then accuses me of making a face and "what's the matter". Good grief. Got me so riled up that I wonder if he just means for me to just call and cancel the appt.

I told him, I'm the one making the appt, I'm the one taking our son to the dr. I'll handle it. I don't know why you're so bent out of shape for something you don't have all the info on.

He finally asks son about quiz and son goes, "sure, we always make up quizzes, no problem." Then dh sort of backpedals saying he is fine if the quiz can be postponed at school for another day. After all that?!!

If he had stopped long enough to ask his son for confirmation, he wouldn't have had to launch a 10 minute lecture AT me. SIGH.

omg.. you totally described

omg.. you totally described what the past 20 years of my life has been.... up and down... rollercoaster...egg shells.. yep... lived it.. and now Im done with it..

Things have been better....

After several weeks of weekly "blowouts", we had our last big fight on Friday, 12/7. I confronted him on his ADHD symptoms (gently...via a letter, actually, as speaking to each other verbally was getting nowhere no matter how hard we tried) and his self-medication with pot....as well as his harsh, critical treatment of every little thing I do that is not EXACTLY the way he'd do it.

After things cooled down the next day, we ended up having a very nice weekend with friends....and with each other. We never addressed anything further, but I've noticed changes in him since then. The pot has all but stopped....and I feel the Jekyll/Hyde has subsided a bit with it. He  seems to not be sweating the small stuff as much, and he's not so quick to point a finger at me. If do something that bothers him, he nicely addresses it. He's been the understanding, appreciative, loving, fun man that I've been missing!! 

Now, about 10 days later, we started to get into our first little "tiff" since then.  Last night, I didn't wrap a particular Christmas gift the way he thought they it should be wrapped. At first, he joked about it a bit. But then later on, he brought it up again in a very critical manner. As with all these types of "small stuff" fights, I tried to explain why I did it the way I did, but of course it didn't matter... It wasn't HIS way. It should be noted that he doesn't have time to help with gifts this year because he's working a lot....he's behind schedule because he has procrastinated on getting things done and is now stressed trying to make his deadline (he admits this). So, I played the understanding wife and stepped up and told him I would do whatever I could to support him...including taking care of wrapping and other odds/ends needed before Christmas.  I SO wanted to point this out during his criticism of GIFT WRAPPING, but I did not. I simply told him that wrapping gifts wasn't worth arguing about...it was getting done and he needed to let it go. He continued to argue a bit stating that if it wasn't done "right", then I should not do it....he will take care of it. This created tension, but not a fight....he let it go after that. Progress?? Maybe. But I find myself struggling to let go of the resentment I have toward him. 

As it stands now, he refuses to get evaluated for ADHD - even though he admits he likely has it (was on Ritalin as a child + many other symptoms). But, he's been much easier to get along with since I confronted him on the ADHD -  and I don't think he's smoke been high since (and I can usually tell). So, is it really ADHD if he can improve without meds?? Maybe he's just a Type A control freak! Are we just at the top of another roller coaster ride??

This is interesting because

This is interesting because up until my ADHD dh made that appointment with the neurologist, he was absolutely on a downward spiral with the smoking and rushing me around (think Type A micro managing). It's almost as if making the appointment (in your case a letter in writing) seemed to have knocked a cog in their heads back into gear. I have to say aside I found him doing tons more around the house, getting off the couch and taking the family out for outings without the weekend ending up in resentment as it's always been. I pointed at a TV segment that mentioned ADHD and he then threatened to cancel his neurology appointment. I countered with, "you are ready to blame me for causing you to cancel the appt."  Then he said, "no, I won't cancel the appt because of that."  So it was a good sign but still necessary for me to be ready for unpredictable responses.

My gut feeling with my dh is that he needs outside help because his behavior of positive actions, sliding into negative, is always, always in some cyclical fashion. All will be well for a few weeks and then the slide happens and the cycle starts again with the smoking or difficulties in being a team player at home. You might need to repeat the letter writing again and if that's what he can deal with, then you work with that for now.