He Keeps Blaming Me

So my DH admits that he likely has adult ADHD, but says that meds will suck the life and personality out of him.  Yet, he'll self-medicate with pot...which I believe leads to withdrawal symptoms. Plus, it's illegal and he promised to quit when we started dating 4-5 yrs ago. I'm not comfortable with it....and now he does it behind my back. It's a roller coaster.  We had a big blow out today about his temper/hyper-critical behavior (again); he keeps saying I need to look in the mirror at what I can change....and that I need to stop blaming him for everything. I know I'm not perfect, but I know when someone is talking down or rudely to me....and I won't put up with it. Others have observed his hyper-critical behavior and have told me so. Therefore, I know it's not just me. I've analyzed the crap out of it...maybe I'M the one causing the issues, what can I change about ME, etc. He tells me over and over that "he can't help the way I interpret things" or that "he can't help it if I think he's always out to get me, put me down, etc." It makes me crazy, because I don't think I'm doing anything wrong! I feel I'm interpreting his tone or what he says like any other normal person would!

We've been through marital counseling (about a year ago - the ADHD was never discussed) and things were great for several months after that. Then a little stress came our way (sold our house/moved into a new house, he started a new position) and we're back to square one. Our life is not THAT stressful, though. We both make decent money, no kids....no major worries overall. He wants to start a family, but we can hardly the minor frustrations of being married.

I don't know how much of this is the ADHD or how much is just "irreconcilable differences".  I know he can control it to some extent, because I would not have put up with it while we were dating.....but maybe he was using pot more, then and I didn't know. He has had issues with his temper/critical nature all of his life. I've been told that it had a lot to do with the failure of his first marriage....and that he's a lot better than he used to be. However, if I even touch on his past relationship issues, he freaks.

I love him so much and I know he loves me. While he has this hyper-critical, quick to anger, condescending nature about him, he also has many wonderful qualities: hardworking, funny, generous, sensitive, romantic. When we're not at odds, he treats me like a queen.

I guess I just need to vent and see if anyone can relate....just looking for some support and/or words of wisdom.