He keeps running away

When my husband and I fight, he'll disappear and not return till the next morning.  This has been a new trend since the early summer, and I am at the end of my rope.  I honestly feel like he looks for reasons to escape.  I'll say one wrong thing, and that's it, he's got his cue... he'll take his handheld video games and a bottle of booze, and that's his evening's entertainment.

He can even escape when he's here: sleeping in another room, spending hours engrossed in his video games, or virtual world on his smartphone.  God knows what he is doing.  He goes to bed way after me.  We get some porn offers in the mail - I suspect that's what he's looking at all night.

He is currently out "finding himself" on a week's solo trip.  Claimed it wasn't running away.  Wanted me to join him this weekend, but I declined.  He threw a fit and doesn't know when he's coming home, and I haven't heard from him and the weather is just awful out there. 

What is going on?!  I've read several posts about disappearing spouses.  How do you all handle it? 

I am truly fed up with the games.  I don't think a spouse should do this.  He sure as hell isn't committed to me, is he?  I have no idea who he's with or where he is. 

Sounds like he may be

Sounds like he may be cheating on you or at least acting in ways that may lead up to cheating. You need to protect your self just in case, no man is worth the risk of getting an STD! You don't know where he has been and what is may be doing. Sounds like he in NOT committed to you. You are better than this man! If you allow this behavior, it will continue. If you need proof he is cheating maybe you could get a PI, if that is not affordable there are gps things you can buy and put in or on his car to track him without his knowledge. There are also spy apps you can install on his phone if you can access it. My guess would be he keeps his phone locked, with him at all times and on silent? If so I would be very concerned about cheating. Can you get an itemized phone bill? That is how I caught my husband. I know many people say its wrong to spy your spouse however in this type of situation what can you do? Men most likely wont tell you they are cheating until they are caught. Men that run away from their problems are not men at all. I have been through this before, It's not fun and its not fair to you! ADHD and ADD are no excuse for this type of behavior!

I have thought about getting

I have thought about getting his text message records from the cell phone carrier.  He's constantly texting people - when I ask who, he says "work."  Really?  At all hours of the night?

He is fed up with my lack of sex drive (due to me parenting him - I'm exhausted) so yeah... it's just a matter of time, if he hasn't cheated already.

This is ridiculous.  Thank you for the advice!

may be cheating

he may well be cheating (you might ask him where he spends the night when he leaves, then verify the info if he gives you any).  The advice to use condoms if you do have sex is good advice.

You may wish to consider marriage counseling, if you care enough about this man at this point to invest in it (hard to tell from your post).  Certainly, leaving things are they are - full of resentment, no/little sex, leaving often - sounds like a dead end, so you have little to lose by proposing it.

Thanks for the advice.  We

Thanks for the advice.  We have tried counseling with a therapist that specializes in addictions.  He gave up on us.  My husband has a knack for avoiding the real issue.  I would like for him to get evaluated for ADHD but he says it's not fair to pin problems on him.  Of course, the other half is my reaction to his issues.  I think that is my last hope.

I have thought about condoms until trust is regained.  He is also a multiple addict and suffers from depression.  Much has surfaced this past year... I wish it never had.

It takes two

Your responses to him are only half of the issue.  Unless he "comes with you" and works on his side, too, you won't make much progress.  Actually, it's his "knack for avoiding the issues" that sounds most ominous...

Ugh, I am noticing this knack

Ugh, I am noticing this knack for avoiding issues.

For example, he had a ton of work to catch up on yesterday.  What did he do?  Hours of pumpkin carving.   

He has said he'll bring up my thoughts on ADHD to his therapist, but conveniently this did not happen last week.  He has managed to avoid giving me concrete answers for things.  An answer of "I don't know" is something I would expect from a child. 

I *just* don't trust him, and he is angry that I don't.

What types of situations are

What types of situations are you looking for concrete answers for? It is my experience that if you ask for concrete answers .. well, you may as well be talking to a concrete wall. It is very hard for my husband to piece together an answer for a tough issue. Sometimes "I don't know" is probably the most honest answer he can give at that time. I'm just wondering what the 'scenario' is where you're expecting answers and not getting them...simply because sometimes the way you may be asking (although it seems perfectly logical, kind spirited, and concise to you) just makes them shut down. I used to get a lot of "I don't knows" when I was asking something that in ANY WAY had a negative connotation or forced him to focus on something I FELT he did wrong. ("why did you spend $40 at the gas station?" "why did you not clean the den like you promised?" "why did you not...???") You really do have to learn to communicate in a whole new way in order to turn these things around.

If I depended on him to bring up my thoughts to a counselor, it would never get done. Is it an option for you to go to counseling with him and discuss your feelings?

I am not saying that I never get answers or acknowledgement of issues that are tough ones for my husband to digest...I am just saying I don't get them 'on my time schedule'...and I don't push him for answers until we're both so frustrated we are beyond reasoning. I express my feelings and leave it for him to mull over. If he mentions it hours later, a day later, or a week later...at least I know he heard me. If he doesn't mention it, a lot of the time he'll just do something (actions) to prove he heard me. THIS is the result of me changing my attitude towards him 180 degrees.

How to ask correctly?

I love that you bring this up Sherri, the "why" questions.  But how am I supposed to get answers to these things, or how am I supposed to communicate this better?

Like, if I ask him to do something or he says he will do something (or be somewhere at a certain time) I honestly want to know why it didn't happen, so maybe we can find a way to work around that in the future.  But he takes it as an accusation (and sure, it partly is, because I'm upset about whatever it is that did or didn't happen) and doesn't really answer.  Or maybe he just doesn't know - I don't know.

So what you are saying in that last paragraph, is that the change in communication? Can I ask the "why..." question as long as I don't push for an answer?  Or am I misunderstanding you?

Well for me, keeping in mind

Well for me, keeping in mind we are all different, if I asked him to do something and he didn't do it..I really don't NEED to ask why because what good will knowing WHY do? It wasn't done...now I either do it myself or let it sit until he does it. Do not misunderstand. I'm not saying I don't still get upset and frustrated that he doesn't do things I ask him to do, I'm just saying I'm not spending the rest of my life fighting with him over the 'whys' of everything he does or does not do...because quite honestly I don't know that the answer would make me feel any better about things and I have just learned to accept that. Our situation is different than most here, I have never asked him to help around the house..except for taking out the garbage..and taking the big can to the curb weekly. I wanted to quit working after we got married to stay at home and be with my son (special needs) and our daughter (I was pregnant with her at the time) and that is what we agreed to. Nothing was discussed about household chores, but we just have a more traditional marriage. I do everything here, he brings home the money. Since he is a wonderful provider, and he does help with the kids when I need him to, then it just works for us. So, the most common argument I see here, over household chores, we just don't have. Secondly, he is rarely ever late so I don't have to ask the 'why?s' of that either.

What I am speaking more specifically to, in my situaiton, is FEELINGS. Now don't get me wrong, he's not completely incapable of expressing his feelings..he does so more now than ever before. However, when we were fighting all of the time and there was so much resentment and anger between us, ANYTHING I asked him ("why do you do things that you know hurt me?" "how can you say you love me yet turn around and do things like this?") that pertained to having to have some accountability for what he was doing then I got nothing but defensiveness and anger and him turning all of the blame on me. I always felt like he hated himself for doing what he was doing..thus his projection of blame for everything HE did onto me...but I never knew why he just could not/would not stop. I can't fathom the inner struggle he went through..but i do feel the repeated hurtful behaviors were him just giving up when he felt like no progress was made after 'behaving' for 3 or 4 days. "why bother" is probably what he told himself.."she'll never change"...pretty much what I told myself about him. Until "I" changed and insisted he either follow me or face divorce NOTHING changed. My point is, when I would ask him why he immediately became defensive..it didn't have to have a certain tone or attitude with it..just a simple 'why' he took as "you're such a loser". Sometimes we all do things that we aren't proud of...we are running late because we didn't use our time wisely...or we forget to pick up milk because we just have issues remembering. I am speaking of myself here. If I had to face him being angry and asking "whY???!!!" everytime I did, I honestly can't imagine how horrible it would make me feel about myself, ya know? I'm not saying they don't need to be held accountable, honestly I'm not, I am just saying sometimes maybe having the answers won't really change anything...and getting them from a defensive ADDer is impossible, so why not just say "It really would mean a lot to me if you could try really hard to be on time" and let him hold himself accountable. I truly feel they do, to some degree, beat themselves up about things like this a lot more than we realize. I didn't call/text my husband before counseling last week...he completely forgot. We switched days and it just threw him off completely. He was 20 minutes late and very apologetic. I wasn't mad..didn't even think of being mad. What good would it do? What would it change?

Ok..just went back and read

Ok..just went back and read the orginal post...if you're not getting a straight answer on where he's going and what he's doing when he leaves (not feelings, but just what the hell he is doing) then you have every right to demand that from him. He needs to stop leaving so much room for you to have doubts and worries about what he's out doing. It isn't fair and not what marriage is about. If he wants to behave in such a hurtful, negative way...then at least let him minimize it by sleeping on the couch or something. To me, not coming home at all is a deal breaker. When my husband started doing this on a regular basis (at least once or twice a week) last fall I made him leave. Come to find out he was cheating. He was notorious for sleeping on the couch when he was mad and wanted to hurt me..so I knew something bad was wrong when he started staying out all night. Ironically, he would leave on good terms..not fighting..just saying he'd be home later and then just not come home.