For complicated reasons, terribly stress related reasons... it has taken a toll on us both.
He (ADD) says he's leaving. He no longer trusts me, says he. Lots of you can understand where the blame goes, right?
He wants to leave all problems, tough problems. At an elderly age folks. I'm 15 years younger. Been together 12 years. He says he'll be grabbing cheap airfare in about a week. Wants to take no money, leave me with his social security money (I don't want or need it), he'll "find a way in the city."
We are both exhausted and might sleep better tonight (I hope!).
Is he really going to leave? Or is all the crap in his head screwing us up?
Prior to yesterday, we've been heading to, I thought, a better team than ever before. I have learned SO much over the years.
Huge sad sigh.
Also, I both hope he does leave, and pray he makes it through this and we hang in there. He tells me that, since being with me, there is only a tiny part of him left (I've heard it before).
Too tired to write more.
________
Following up. We made it through. Been dealing with too much pressure. Love heals all, I am so very grateful. Love, Life... it ain't always easy, but I would not give it up; too many precious moments to lose. Thank goodness for love and laughter!
to Hoo,firstly.
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
firstly, my ADHD spouse is 16 years younger than me,I have seen him with his overly insecurities with this,this,is not easy,the age difference could bring in a lot of insecurities with them,their self-esteem gets crowded with the age difference,how do I know this?I have been dealing with the same issues in a similar circumstance.
He wanted me to go on with my life! saying that I need to find someone my age and he needs to find an older woman,he was saying things like:"you are too young and that is why we are having problems b/c you need to grow up"ha!! I am very mature for my age;instead of taking responsibilities he plays the "blame game"I am 32 he is 47,so then why all this nonsense? his brain will go on to make him feel that he is not good enough for me,and,he thinks that he can't do what a next man would do for me. Well that is b/c he makes me so miserable being insecure and that alone is enough to break off a marriage.
He thinks that I am having secret relation's with my customers at my cafe,I own my own business,I own my own car,I own my own house,I have two kids that is not his,I am financially stable,well,OMG!!! He has every right to feel this sense of insecurity.I sat him down two Saturdays' ago,told him how much I love him and that I am not cheating,told him that I will never ever do things like that and that he has nothing to worry about,how crazy I am about him.
Ha!! believe it or not! it worked!! for now perhaps,but,it worked.I had to tell him and remind him of the power of my love and he was good after that!
Maybe your spouse needs reassurance of his insecurities for you.Tell him how you truly feel and let him know.I know that every marriage is different,but maybe this might help you.
The next thing about him leaving,well you have to ask him why he is leaving and sit him down and get to the bottom of things,could be sooo many reasons as to why.
Before meeting my husband,he left his EX in a next country and waited for the air tickets to be cheap as well,his reason for leaving he told me was he was not happy with her,and that he wanted to start over his life with his own race with a woman,but,every reason is different,and you need to find out.
good luck and hope things improve for you.
lovehurts.
Can't follow
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
Your spouse is "16 years younger than you".
"you are 32 and he is 47"
I'm LOST.
NJTWINMOM,opps!! my bad.
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
My bad, he is 16 years older than me.Opps!! my bad.
lovehurts.
I understand what you're
Submitted by Hoo on
I understand what you're saying. Over here, many control issues. I also am very independent; business/house. He is partner, i do all physical work. If he states something, I am supposed to agree with everything and anything, doesn't matter if it makes no sense.
Too difficult to write more here, argh!!!
Thank you.
yes Hoo,it's a matter of controlling.
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
Trust me when I tell you they love to take control,be in control.My ADHD husband is very controlling,everything we do together he has to call the shots first,when we eat he decides what we would eat,when we go out he picks the place,when we are watching a movie he would pick the program,one silly example:We went to the grocery and he wanted a shampoo for his hair,I told him it's better to get the two in one shampoo with "shampoo plus conditioner"he wanted to even be in control of that too,and it was just a matter of concern that he picked the right one,but,he found the need to be impulsive towards that too.He picked the one with just shampoo and then when he used it ,it tangled his hair cause he did not take my simple concern and bought the two in one.
This is just a simple thing that could be leading in to big things, and this is just to show his impulsivity.I am very much in love with him ,and the things I go through day and night it's pure torture.
I always tell myself that "GOD" has his plans for me and maybe it might just turn around,I pray.
lovehurts.
love hurts
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
After seeing the title to your reply, my initial response was "my husband is definately NOT controlling". Then I read on. You mentioned where to eat/what movie to see/what shampoo to buy....all such unimportant decisions when you look at the entire picture, don't you agree?
Ever think that maybe he wants control over these insignificant things because it is not in him to have control over the important things? I can see my husband doing the shampoo one, just to show he could have control over something...anything.
I have run this ship since we got married. Initially, and yes, even still, for the most part I honestly don't mind. It makes things much easier. I can't imagine what would happen if I let him take charge. He knows this. He appreciates knowing the bills are paid, there is money in the bank and we are able to dine out and travel a bit. I do see what you are saying though. There are disagreements about such insignificant things, and now, I see, THAT must be why.
NJTWINMOM,I dont agree,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I don't agree that it is unimportant to want to make co-decisions.What are we doing as a couple then? if, we can't agree upon the same things? it is important he acknowledges my needs as well as his needs.What about a hamburger for dinner honey? is all I am asking for.The response-response is that I agree before even being asked "what do you think we should have for lunch?or for dinner? so I want to be acknowledged,and not that it is unimportant at all,think at what I am trying to say here,if he continues with this type of behavior,then I am simply married to myself.
The simplest of things will eventually lead to the big things.
We don't live together and we are married,the reason for him leaving from my house was b/c I was in control of everything,the bills,the car,the money EVERYTHING, and he felt like he was a NOTHING.
these were his words to me,said he wanted to fell like a man,so he left,got his own apartment,and left.
Now he controls his money,bills,rent,car,EVERYTHING.And now he is trying to control US.When it should be a matter of the both of us making decisions and not him alone.
I can't live with him b/c I run my cafe from home,and my kids are living with me and going to school from home.Long story short,he is very controlling,manipulative and bitter/sweet.
lovehurts.
One last thing,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
By him wanting to take control,he simply moved out when I was doing everything.That is when he simply took me out of the decisions that we were "both" should have made.
IT's called impulsive.
Lovehurts.
lovehurts
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
I understand that you don't agree, but that being said, where has it gotten you? You stated you aren't even living together. He left because you controlled EVERYTHING. Maybe the simple decisions he can make. As I said, I take care of EVERYTHING here. Money, bills, savings, cars, important issues with kids. If he wants to buy the wrong shampoo let him, maybe he will learn for next time and next time he will buy the right one because he wants to not because you said so.
In a "normal" relationship, yes, I agree both parties should be taking care of most of the issues together. These are not "normal" relationships. If I have to let my husband choose the shampoo and movie, just so I can still have control of the things that really matter, then I'm for it. This appears to be what we are dealt. The building them up, the stroking the ego from now on. Seems there aren't many other choices. And I agree. It's not like being a couple at all, but yet we are still in these marriages.
NJTWINMOM,
Submitted by lovehurtsalotwi... on
I always leave him alone to do what he wants to do,but,because he has ADHD that does not give him the right to make me feel this way.I understand your point in being in a "normal" relationship,and,of course,this is not normal,but again if it is I feel like he could use a little advice,I should be able to give it at some point.
One example of how he is well capable,regardless to ADHD or not.
last week I told him about his insecurities towards me is just his head,that I am never ever going to do that,and that he has nothing to worry about,right,he in turn stopped all the nagging"for now" stopped all the"blame game" and lessen down a bit on the mood swings.I am fully aware about your concerns here and you make perfect sense,but,if we don't let them know how controlling,how manipulating,how hard this is for us,the meds would not work as a magic pill,this is where behavior modification would come in,b/c ADHD people are poor self-observers,they should in fact be told,and we should be heard,else,NOTHING,would change.
thanks for all your reply,please keep replying.
lovehurts.
lovehurts
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
No...ADHD does NOT give anyone the right to behave badly, and make their partner feel any less than a "partner". I just have been reading soooooo much here, and basically it's telling me that things will NOT get any better. It will ALWAYS be about him, NOT ME.....NOT EVER. That we have to make the ultimate decision post-diagosis, to either spend the rest of your lives together as is, putting up with whatever comes your way because of your ADHD partner, stroking his ego, taking care of everything OR walk. That simple.
As far as your husbands jealousy and insecurity issue, I can't even comment. In 25 years of marriage I know, that my husband trusts me very, very much (which he should), or he just doesn't care. I guess I will never know which. I will say though, that he has never made me feel that I was someone that would be horrible to lose :(
Everyone behaves badly...
Submitted by YYZ on
Everyone behaves badly... NJTWINMOM, you are totally right ADD cannot be used as an excuse. If I am in a bad mood and snap at someone, then say I'm sorry I don't even mention anything other than "I'm Sorry" and any follow up excuse given would only make the apology seems less sincere. When my DW blows her stack, I can usually figure out Why she did, it's not rocket science, and in the moment I don't care why she has blown an O-Ring for no reason, later she will usually say "I'm sorry" and that's enough for me. I don't believe anyone Wants to be a jerk all the time...
You said something that hits home with me. "In 25 years of marriage I know, that my husband trusts me very, very much (which he should), or he just doesn't care." I am not a jealous person, at all. My DW does not believe me when I tell her it's because I trust her. I tell her that she is beautiful and there are, of course, guys who would want to take her from me. I also say that I am not in control of how she responds to the people who would take her from me. My DW Really thinks that I believe otherwise and anything I say to contradict her feelings is just to tell her what "I think She wants to her", so my remarks are not sincere. Kind of a No Win situation for me. My DW is pretty insecure and believes that if I cared I would show some jealousy every now and again.
Maybe your husband is like me and Really Trusts you, like I trust my DW :)
YYZ
Submitted by NJTWINMOM on
While I am familiar with some of your story, I do not recall, were there any infidelity issues in your marriage? My husband was literally "always" on the prowl. It did so much damage to my self esteem and the fact that I have serious trust issues. I still keep both eyes and ears wide open, as I am deathly afraid of there being a new issue. He knows that it would be THE END of us, forever, yet even though he has this diagnosis, I don't know if he can control this impulsive side of himself.
I have to admit, in other relationships that I have had....more "normal ones", I didn't have this "constant watch-dog" feeling, but there would be normal tads of jealousy here and there. Do you actually never, ever have those? I guess I believe you, you would have no reason to lie to me,but I find it had to imagine. Guess my husband falls in the same category.
Nope... Zero infidelities in 20 years (Either side)
Submitted by YYZ on
My marriage had been in Room Mate status for years before my diagnosis and eventually lead to my reaching out to a female co-worker friend for advice. Nothing ever went on, I did not know who to turn to. Guy friends are useless and female family members would go against her and would have to deal with that for life. I did not know that this had the name "Emotional Affair", until after my diagnosis. My DW found an email in my phone and the trust was shattered. My DW's worst fear is to get fooled and look stupid to people. She even told me this last week. She would rather let me have it, over reacting to a worst case scenario and apologize later, than trust me or anyone else to do the right thing. Kind of disheartening...
I really don't get jealous, but that does not mean I don't notice people who would like her to stray. I cannot worry about what is not in my control... Wasted energy. I know cheating is the "Death Penalty" in my house too.
My mantra, "it just doesn't
Submitted by Hoo on
My mantra, "it just doesn't matter!" Helps me focus on what does. ;)
Hugs to you (& all of us), in many ways we are blessed more than "average," we have so many opportunities to love and learn.
Can u tell it's a great day? :)