He left our newborn baby in the car.....

So the other night at about 3am, I'm feeding our 5 week old baby in our bedroom.  My ADD husband finally comes upstairs to go to bed.  He comes in and has this "look" on his face...a look he gets when he's really guilty about something.  He admits to me that when he took our baby to the store to buy some ice cream that evening, he forgot/left her in the car.  He didn't tell me all evening.  When he told me, I was half asleep so at first it was hard to comprehend and I know I didn't react as strongly than I would have fully awake (maybe he knew that??).  It was, thank GOODNESS, a very short trip, maybe 5 minutes, into the store.  It was about 7pm when he went but quite hot outside.  He didn't realize what he did until he opened the door to get back into the car and he heard screaming.  It broke my heart when he told me how her eyes were so wide as she cried, like she knew something was wrong.  It took me a few minutes after him telling me, for it to sink in.  Then I started lightly crying as I looked at my baby I was feeding and thought about how this could have happened with a longer store trip and who knows what would happen to her, geez I'm crying again.  I was and am not angry with my husband, just very scared.  And a little heartbroken.  I know he feels completely awful.  Since he told me this, though, he seems to be keeping himself extra busy with random household jobs.  Perhaps distracting him from thinking about what he did....perhaps not giving him and I a chance to talk and risk me bringing it up again.  We really talked about it very little that first night as I was trying to put the baby back to sleep and didn't want to make much noise.  As for me, it's such a horrible and awful thing to do, leaving a child in a car, I feel as if I'm a bit numb to what he did.  Like I'm not letting myself really feel or react to this.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe a bit of disbelief?  Hard to comprehend that someone could do that to my tiny baby?  I really want to know more about how my husband feels about this and how he's reacted.  I don't know how to bring it up.  The main reason I want to bring it up with him is this: the night he told me, he mentioned how maybe he needs to go back on his meds so something like this doesn't happen again.  He desperately needs to go back on his meds (he quit about a month ago) but using this awful situation as a reason to do it....I don't know, feels strange.  Like I said, I think I'm just numb to all of this.  Heartbroken, but numb.  Is it awful to think, if he can do something like this, could he do something just as bad or worse?  I don't know.  Just a bit shocked.....I also feel like I can't tell a single person about this since it's so awful, so it feels good to at least write about it here.

Pink's picture

The same here

It happen to me as well. I was at work and my husband has ADD and he want to go to the store and she was sleeping he want to check something for 5 min. He decided why wake  her up so he went to the store for about 10 min. A lady outside saw a baby in the car and went to the store. The store call out on the speaker about a baby in the car. He ran out quite the lady won't let him go and start screaming at him. She was going to call the police then a friend of his was shopping at the same store told her that I know that guy and he is a good guy. He never told me. But the guy told my brother and then my brother told my mother. My mother told me to come to her house for something important and she told me. My mother and my sister never trust him with the kids. He is very distracted and doesn't pay attention. But I had no choice I have to work and he doesn't work. I was numb like you. I have told his parents and his mother told me that was a bad judgment of him. I disagree. I didn't let him watch the kids for 2 weeks and took the kids to my mother house. He doesn't seem to understand what he did wrong. After 2 years he did something again this time the police caught him. He was with his mother at that time and the kids. This time his mother couldn't believe his behavior. But she still side with him. I kick him out of the house for 2 months. He had put my live upside down with children service in my house every week. But, the kids want their father. I let him back in but he is still not paying attention. He have gotten 8 parking tickets in past 2 months. Just simply not paying attention to "No parking" or "expired meter" or "Cleaning time".  Your husband might not leave the kids in the car but possible do other things without knowing that they are doing it.

I went to counseling right after I knew he left the baby in the car. I needed to know what I need to do and how I should be doing to move forward. I am not sure where you are from... but something like that will be reported to the children service and the state will come in and check on your kids.

Try to work with your husband maybe going to a counseling together. I just started with my husband counseling together. Since we have a someone to talk to and he paying more attention with the kids but not with other things like parking tickets.

I think it is sad that something bad has to happen to someone for them to realize what is going on in order to get help or pay more attention. That goes for everyone ADD or non ADD.

baby

I haven't that exactly but we've had similar conflicts as my husband (nurse) is neat and organized (highly structured adhd perhaps?) and I am sloppy and want to throw blanket over baby and run out when it's cold if husband is screaming at me over not dressing him proper/ over some house chore

 

also one night my dog opened the slide glass window (it was cold outside), 2nd fl, and i left it that way accidentally...

we have had a lot of conflicts around what is 'proper' childcare

but in the end the court awarded me 5  days wk/ him 2 days a wk, on paper due to him having some anger control issues (he took class) and it's good to have that as a guideline even though we are back together...

being seperate 6mo we realized it was harder for us to do it apart

I know I learned to appreciate how much he cleans for me and cooks, etc

cb

Go Back on the Meds

This situation is exactly why your husband should go back on meds, and the scary nature of it should help him understand just how important his ADHD symptoms and actions are for his family.  Not only should you not avoid using this as a reason, you should gently agree with him by saying something like "Your leaving the baby in the car was extremely scary to me and I agree with you that it indicates that you should go back onto meds.  More people than just you are relying on you now and it's important to treat your ADHD as well as you can.  We were very lucky this time that nothing happened, but we both need to make sure that we do everything in our powers to make sure no harm comes to our child in the future.  So I agree with you about the meds and hope you can make an appointment very soon."

hockeymom11's picture

my situation

is not as severe as leaving a baby in the car, but my ADD husband who won't set up a doctors appt or get meds is NEGLECTING our children.  he took the day off yesterday so we wouldn't have to pay for daycare.  I got home at 2pm and both kids were still in their PJs, hadn't had lunch and spent 6 hours in front of the TV.  I went upstairs and there was my husband fast asleep.  I was PISSED, but didn't react. I just calmly asked him "were the kids just sitting in front of the TV since I've been gone?"
 and he responded "pretty much".  I said "why didn't we just send them to daycare so they could have interaction?" and he said "it's not my fault I felt sick".  Yet this same SICK person left that evening to go race his race cars. 

Today I cancelled a business meeting out of town because I cannot in good conscience leave the kids, the pets and the home in his care.  I told him this and his response "I guess I'm the only one that gets sick around here" (or something like that).  I told him that last week I went to work with a fever of 101.7, I cooked dinner for the kids, got the laundry done etc.  I've been sick with bronchitis for over a week and have not stopped being a mother.

I'm done, I'm fed up, I've begged his mother to speak to him (she lives far away), his own ADD father promised me he would call him every night and encourage him to get help, but so far he hasn't (big surprise there!).

I'm just so spent, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and I just don't want to be with him or near him anymore.

Thanks Melissa.  You got

Thanks Melissa.  You got through some of the numbness I suppose.  I  need to talk to him.  I guess I was avoiding it b/c I was afraid he'd get real defensive and say some hurtful things, I don't know.  My kids are so precious, I didn't want them belittled in any way.  He may not be like that, I don't know.  But you're right-that's exactly why I need to bring it up and urge him to take meds again.  I hope he sees things the way we do.  Thanks for everyone's replies.  I'll let you know how he takes it....