we are both ADHD adults married 10 years, together 14. He has always had "girlfriends" and does not have many men friends or hobbies. He gets infatuated with a woman, it intensifies ( it was this way with me, I was one of the girlfriends way back when) it's really nice and friendly, encouraging and they are often "broken birds" ...lots of phones calls, texting, rescues, FB, it intensified last year with 3 different women.One ending ( she was so bitter) one winding down ( from best friends to her calling him a sexual predator) and a new one with a conservation group in June, who has since quit her job and moved closer so now they see each other on weekends. They traveled to Japan for 2 weeks and that's when I decided I could no longer validate this as "friendships" . Since I experienced the "pursuit" myself in the beginning of our courtship, and it was non-sexual for a year, I had been understanding for a long time. recently, our marriage has just gotten great...really good and then he told me he wanted to date, maybe within the marriage. That nothing would change between us, that he was just "in love with love" ...I would always be #1, the wife, the true love...but he might want to have the friendships more in the open. He has acknowledged the ADHD, however refuses to see that this behavior and the need for excitement could be connected. Help, please anyone else have a partner who is super helpful, and alls into like...a lot?
He is in "love with Love"
Submitted by bobbinf on 01/09/2015.
Something resonates here. . . . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
bobbinf,
I have been thinking about your post. I can understand some of the behaviors. My spouse is super nice and kind and helpful to his customers. Many are elderly widowed ladies, who think he is just wonderful. One of the ways he and I are alike is that we have this ability to walk into a room full of people and be in-tune to whoever is hurting or sad or downtrodden. Some sort of sixth sense. Kept in balance, it is a gift. Out of balance, and it is a curse. We are both good listeners.
He has always made friends with troubled souls. What I see - a total judgment call from me - is that he feels threatened by anyone successful, yet it gives him some sense of being-above/powerful over those with lots of trouble. Hey, I should know! That is how we met. I was as close to suicidal as anyone could get and still be walking the earth, I had 2 eating disorders, and just moved out of a home with an alcoholic father. So yes, he rode in on his white horse and rescued me. I dreamed and looked forward to the day I would be All-Better so we could become a Super-De-duper-Team. Alas, it was not meant to be,
Saddly, once I no longer needed to be rescued, once I no longer was his project, once I wanted to ride off into the sunset side by side, the tables turned and I have never been able to get our relationship on smooth ground.
I was truly swept off my feet by a man with some sort of a messiah complex. And I liked it. It made me feel wonderful. Once I got past my own issues, it was no longer wonderful, and it has not improved. He holds onto the idea that I am still messed-up and the issues we have are only my own perception. Trying to deal with that for over 15 years has taken a toll on me.
He is a nice person, and a creative person, and does not want to be called on anything. He can only handle praise. I wish I could understand that. Several of the men he decided to "help" through out our marriage, had major issues. they were actually creepy and it scared me to have them around our children. One is currently in jail for domestic violence and child abuse. One is dead - having shot and killed his significant-other and then shot himself.
How difficult it is for me to say I feel stuck to him. Trapped in some sort of a far-away-dimension of reality.
I truly believe once I can get past the feeling of "If I leave, I will be losing my house, my home, everything I have known for the past 30 years" , my life will get brighter and happier. That makes me angry. I wanted to make my marriage a fairytale. It is not.
I find it hard not to kick myself. In 1982 I indeed had some inkling of this. When he first proposed, I turned him down because I was afraid "Once I got better, you might not like me." He reassured me that was not true. So, right there began the horrible pattern Liz developed of giving up on what I knew/felt/wanted and bent and swayed to his wants. I SHOULD have followed my own instinct. Why didn't I follow my own instinct?
Liz