It's been a rough 24 hours. My ADHD husband was spending another day in bed, when I came in to ask if he minded if I put on some music in the house. He accused me of judging him, being angry with him, that every time I had walked past the bedroom I had made some kind of noise of judgment, and, somehow, that I was "always making plans with him" (I almost never make any plans at all because I self-isolate because of the pressure of this marriage). I was already so tense because I was upset that he was sleeping through another day, after we had again recommitted ourselves to him getting on a healthier sleeping schedule. So when he said that I am "selfish" and accused me of saying things I had never said, I was done. Every waking and non-waking hour of my life is devoted to caring for him and helping us survive his ADHD, which keeps him from working consistently, accomplishing any tasks, and just being reliable, being healthy. I said I didn't want to be married anymore, and I meant it. I spent the rest of the day in bed--me for the first time in years being the one to let their emotions run the show, to cry and cry and cry. Eventually he comes in to the bedroom and puts on his only suit. He says, "I want to say one last thing to you, that I'm sorry for ruining your life." I knew what was happening immediately. I got up and followed him. He had written suicide notes and put a bullet in his rifle. He said he'd already come inside once--meaning he'd already changed his mind once that day, but he wouldn't this time. I was able to get him away from the weapon. We sat together for a long time and I told him I loved him more than anything and would never leave him, that I never wanted to be apart, and listened to him say all the things that made him "make this decision." It was the worst thing I've ever gone through, but eventually it worked and he said he didn't want to die, he just didn't want to be without me. He repeated it again this morning--that he would never have gone that far if I hadn't said I wanted a divorce.
So what am I supposed to do now? If things really could get better for him, if he really can be the man he wants to be, then I would want to stay married. But I also know that I didn't get to make a decision in the end. That I had to say all of these things about our future together because he was threatening to kill himself. So what's true? Do I want to stay together or not--and do I even have a choice? I feel completely trapped. And I'm not sure if he was intentionally manipulating me into staying with him, or if he genuinely would have done it if I hadn't stopped him. I don't know how to live with any of that. I'm posting this here because literally all of this is coming from his ADHD--he brought up all of his symptoms when talking about why he was done with life. The self-hate, the frustration, the feeling of being totally useless and destructive, all of that is caused by his ADHD. But ultimately he said it was me saying I was done with the marriage that was singularly responsible for his going as far as he did. Is he manipulating me or does he mean this? Isn't unintentionally manipulating people part of what others have experienced with ADHD marriages? I love him but I feel completely trapped by this, and I don't know what to do. If only there was a way to help him deal with his ADHD, he would have some self-respect and independence and he would rely on me less. But nothing has worked. Nothing. He sees two therapists and a doctor who prescribes his medications, and nothing has worked. He still stays up all night and sleeps all day, leaves projects sitting for two years after he begins, and he tries to be helpful around the house and change his habits for the better but it never lasts. If only he could find some real help with this, some strategies that really work for him to live with this thing, it's the only way things will be ok. But I don't know anymore how to help, or what my role can even be. I just wish that he would take control of his own care, but now we know what happens when he wants to take control. And he doesn't want me to even call his doctors. Where do I go from here?