He moved out...

Though he has not been diagnosed with ADHD I feel pretty confident my husband suffers from it. He has never been able to reach his goals, feel self confident, hold a job, maintain relationships, or in general, have any kind of focus on anything other than himself.  I gave him a couple books to read, hoping he would come to the conclusion that he has ADHD and get some help.  Not holding my breathe, but I am hoping he has some sort of an epiphany. 

After 24 years of marriage...me supporting him both emotionally and financially...he moved out. He started sleeping at his 'office' a couple nights a week, then more, then eventually stopped coming home.  (His 'office' is a room in a condo that he rents - and pays for out of my salary. He claims he is doing some marketing work there but does not make any income.) 

My problem now is whether I keep financially supporting him while he lives 'on his own' and figures his life out.  I pay for his rent, food, gas, insurance, cell phone, and multiple gym memberships.  I also pay our mortgage and all my own expenses along with expenses for my child and our pets.  Really, I feel like a chump. I don't wish him any harm but have no idea how he will survive if I start cutting him off financially. We made this mess of a marriage together but I am so very tired of doing all the work with no return.  I am ready to take responsibilty for taking care of my own life but can't do it if I have him as my 'dependent' adult.

Can an adult man with ADHD who has never held a job for longer than a year be self supportive?  Will cutting him off financially make him 'worse' or make him go off the deep end?  I believe our marriage may be damaged beyond repair but I want him to be able to have a good relationship with our child.  How can I help him do that without getting sucked into supporting him for the rest of his life? 

Anyone have some advice for me?

 

My answer would be NO F$#^$G

My answer would be NO F$#^$G way! I would tell him he had 60 days to get a job and become self sufficient and then he was CUT OFF. This is a classic case of enabling. He won't work and take care of himself if he doesn't have to. One thing I have learned is that it is amazing what they CAN do when they have NO OTHER choice. Have you considered counseling for yourself to figure out why you have accepted this situation for yourself? He will not improve until he is motivated to do so. If he cannot take care of himself, then he will have to suffer the consequences. He's an adult. Even if he has ADHD, that does not render him incapable of taking care of himself..it just means, many times, they won't until they have to.

 

Actually I almost wrote just

Actually I almost wrote just that too! Im glad YOU said it while I was typing Sherri! :D

Welcome to the site. Im

Welcome to the site. Im sorry this has to be the thing to drive you here.

I am the nonADHD wife in my situation, said so you'll know where Im coming from in my response.

Only you can determine what your husband's volatility or nastiness levels are, so you will need to filter all of this for your circumstance of course. In the interest of your childs relationship with a father, my first thought is to chip away at reducing his support. It seems to me he will have no motivation to help himself since you are covering so generously for him. I would start with the next billing cycle by cutting communication and comforts. Tv, gym, phones, etc. The next month, something else, the next something else. Until you stop paying for his place to stay. That way you are not yanking the rug out from under him, but not playing the game the rest of his life or yours. It is very likely you will get a lot of blowback, like the child who screams and tantrums until the weary parent says, "fine, take a cookie already!" Be ready to weather that storm and gather your close friends and supportive family members to help you stand firm! This slow but steady reduction is how I eased out of the parent-child dynamic I had going on with my undiagnosed, untreated husband. Unfortunately he couldn't weather his own storm, but I stand by the technique. :)

My second thought is about boundaries. There are many good books out there about what they are and what is a healthy boundary. Im a pretty strong woman, but I do have my weaknesses and baggage that I brought to the marriage as it were. My husband manipulated me in my place of weakness like mad. I wouldn't even say he did it consciously or to be mean. If asked, I think he would say of course he would never manipulate his wife. But he got his way too many times because he pushed back hard when I didn't know how to be strong in a crucial area. All that to say, if this is your weak spot and you fear (really FEAR) his pushback, guard yourself from his manipulation to get you to keep paying for him. Also remeber that you are not responsible for how he feels and how he acts. It is not your job to appease him and make him feel comfortable at all costs.

Lastly, I found myself wondering if he's got any family he could stay with or a buddy, should he not rise to the occasion to pay his for his own place. If they eventually kick him out, he might see it's not just you that expects him to get off his duff! :)

Thank you so much for the

Thank you so much for the replies.  They are really making me think - hard.

I have been in counseling for about 3 months and guess that is the reason I'm at this crossroads.   While we were living as a family I was willing to be the bread winner - the provider.  It was an arrangement that made some sense when he was contributing to the household in ways other than monetarily.  He took care of our daughter and did a good share of the cooking and cleaning.  Maybe not every couples' way of arranging life, but it was ok for us.  

It's not so much that I fear pushback from him if/when I cut him off.  It's just that I still want him to be able to maintain a relationship with our daughter. She is fully aware of what is going on (she is in college). He appears so weak and I picture him living in the gutter somewhere and being too ashamed to contact her.  I am working on getting her to agree to some counseling too.

See, I know I can take care of myself - I make decent money with good benefits, have family and friends, and will continue counseling. My problem, and I know it is a problem, is I feel like I share some of the blame in letting my husband become so dependent.  What I try to remind myself is, he had a partner for 24 years who loved and took care of him - that is what he got out of the marriage and that is enough. He has been compensated - but now he is gone.  I will keep reminding myself that someone who can manipulate as well as he can, can take care of himself.

I like the idea of cutting out my support in steps.  He will definitely bluster and whine, but his departure has taken all the wind out of those sails.  

Thank you so much.

Oh, Im glad you are mulling

Oh, Im glad you are mulling it over. Sometimes these are all hard things to hear, especially from strangers.

So now that you mentioned your daughter is in college, I think that significantly changes things. It probably hard to think of your daughter as an adult b/c she's still "your little girl," but it might be time to let her maintain her own relationship with her father. Again, you aren't responsible for his reactions or activites, so making decisions based on "what if he..." is still accepting manipulation--by the things he hasn't done yet.

You seem like you are in a good place emotionally, all things considered. That's great to hear.

Get prepared for

"I will keep reminding myself that someone who can manipulate as well as he can, can take care of himself".   Wow!Thanks for your post.  I feel you need to get prepared for two things; his attempts to manipulate you into taking him back into your home when you start cutting the money and (2) his working on your daughter to support him when she tries to support herself.  The money that you are saving as you close down the tap will be needed for both you and your daughter to go to counseling.  You don't want your daughter to marry such a guy or even one that is close to his type.  I didn't read anything about alcohol or drug use, but these things should be addressed about your ex.  Go to an attorney for consultation as soon as you can.  I could see him possibly going after your assets whether in a home or 401K, though I don't know how he would pay for a good attorney.  I don't know what state you live in but check the alimony laws, etc. with the attorney.  Check on the disability laws in your state and what a divorcing spouse has an obligation for.  I really support you in getting free, but lay out the best plan you can so that you won't be blindsided.  Obviously, I am very pragmatic.

Getting prepared

Good advice on preparation.  In the past two weeks I've told my parents and brothers about the situation.  The support is pretty amazing.  I'm going to talk to my brother about how I think my husband will react when I start to cut him off financially.  I need someone to help me stay strong.  I know I can support myself monetarily but I am worried about my daughter and my mental health.  He can have half my 401K and assets and that would be ok.  What I will be defending mostly is our daughter. I am going to have a serious conversation with her about how she can't feel sorry for him or in any way support him. That is not her job.  I will encourage her to have a relationship with him, but to understand that there will be limitations on what he can give her.  My husband is not going to move back in the house. He has kind of blown it by moving out...and showing me how much easier life without him is.  I have strange moments of feeling really free.  I will never center my life around him again.

The knowledge, advice, and support on this website are great.  I am amazed at how many other people are going through similar situations.  I felt so odd and alone.  It is strange that I used to think if I just did everything right, and was long suffering, that it would all work out in the end.  Well, it will work out in the end, but just not in the happy 'together for the rest of our lives' kind of way.  My new motto is:  I will let myself find happiness, show my daughter how it is done, and let my husband be independent and do the best he can. 

Fantastic idea...building up

Fantastic idea...building up a support system for yourself. That will absolutely be key in helping you stay strong and not let this situation go completely south for you. I'm truly glad you have that support.

Your daughter will be fine. Just as you cannot keep cleaning up messes for him, you have to paint her the picture and let her do her own thing after that. Be honest with her...explain to her that he's really good at evoking sympathy and that what is best for him is for him to learn to stand on his own. It will be best if she keep her finances completely secret from him. Give her every heads up you can and then let her deal with him on her own..be there for her if she needs you, but don't try and micro-manage their relationship. Those days are behind you. Focus on your new motto and make your own happiness! It is very, very hard to do...but you're going to have to let go and be responsible for YOU and let everyone else be responsible for themselves. I really cannot recommend CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie enough. I think it would help tremendously. I LOVE it.

Getting prepared by Learning

HERE HERE!!!!  Your quote "I will never center my life around him again"  are truly words to live by in getting on the right path to freedom. 

I'm relatively new to this

I'm relatively new to this site (so glad to have found it!) but have experienced some of what you talk about. I would have to agree with the points made by other posters that your best option is to set your own boundaries. I know first hand about the cost to myself when always trying to put others' needs ahead of my own. I have also learned that, in my case, my good intentions  put me very much in the way of my partner growing in the ways he needed to grow. My main motivation had been to protect our children but this was misinformed. Instead the best things that I have done were to put the focus on myself and my needs instead of my partner (to me that always sounded selfish but someone on this site drew the analogy to putting your own oxygen mask on in an airplane crisis before helping anyone else), to begin to learn to create and maintain boundaries, and then to stay out of his way enough so that he could live his own consequences in life and make his own changes. Even though I'm still learning how to do this it has already helped the whole family.

I have seen Melodie Beatty's books mentioned on the site a couple of times as well as The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I, too, would recommend taking a look at these resources. Good luck to you!

It seems whenever I talk with

It seems whenever I talk with people, both parents and the kids, all of them say that staying together "because of the kids" was not a good idea for them. I expect there are exceptions but I haven't met any yet. Damage still happens either way. What has been conveyed to me from their perspective is that eventually the kids come to regret that mom or dad suffered through a lot of years of unhappiness. I have not heard it said out of guilt, but of honestly wanting to see their parents happy, even if it wasn't with each other. I take that as a hindsight statement though. Its gotta be rough to get to that place when they are young and don't really "get" adult relationships yet.

My daughter was about 6 when

My daughter was about 6 when our problems started (before that, in spite of his ADHD being untreated, she NEVER saw us fight or mad at each other) and she is now 12. Will be 13 in Sept. She has seen far more than she ever should have. She still cries over an incident that happened in Feb of 2010 that included my husband getting drunk, breaking my cell phone, us fighting physically when I tried to take his to break it, and an evening of trauma that she will never forget. That was rock bottom for me...and the beginning of the end of us fighting in front of her. It's HORRIBLE for them. I ended up putting her in counseling because she was obviously needing someone to talk to. She had no trust in her father, was actually terrified of him, and swore over and over she would never forgive him. She had no respect for me, but had a never ending supply of anger for me. She always has been able to tell me anything...and sometimes the things she tells me are some of the hardest 'truths' I've ever had to hear.

If you cannot bring peace in your home for your children, and at least have some semblance of a friendship/relationship with each other, then I think anyone would be fooling themselves greatly to think that the children aren't affected...regardless of age. After the incident in February, my children DID become my focus...and I SWORE to myself that she would never experience something like that again...and that the fighting would end. We still fight, and get mad at each other sometimes, but we work it out when she isn't around and remain civil when she is. Please don't stay 'just for the kids'...you're doing them no favors. Work to make yourself strong enough to not get drug down by the ADHD so that you can provide a safe place for them...THEN and only then is there time to try and help the ADHDer.

Just my 2 cents.

 

Wow.

I am an ADD wife, and while I have lots of empathy for my fellow ADDers, I am an ADULT and have never simply not worked and expected my husband to pay for everything and do nothing in return.  My husband is frustrated with me for my forgetfulness, repeated mistakes and lack of follow-through on my goals, but he cannot say I don't bust my butt to do everything I can for the family.  I am a stay at home mother of 2 (ages 2&4) and I have 3 part time freelance jobs.  I have to juggle everything so that I don't spend ANY money on childcare.  I have to either 1) bring my two year old to work with me or 2) schedule my classes for when my husband can watch her.  I take care of all of the housework. I do all the cooking.  I make all the doctors appointments for the whole family and pick up all the prescriptions.  I deal with any repairs or problems that come up with the apartment (phone calls to appliance companies/landlord etc.)  I spend 3 hours a week dealing with the street sweeping shuffle of our car (with my daughter with me, usually NOT happy to be sitting in a parked car) because we can't afford to put it in a garage.  I pick up my other daughter from school, and sometimes drop her off as well.  My husband has dinner meetings 2-3 times a month during the academic year, and 2-3 times a year goes off for a week for a conference and I deal with everything at home.  Plus, since he has a job and colleagues to talk to everyday, he actually has a social life and sometimes goes out for drinks on fridays.  (We've been here a year, and I still don't have a single friend).  I am trying everything I can to earn more money, but still feel guilty that we are not making ends meet because I don't have a 'real' job. 

I am baffled by your situation.  I would be livid if I were you!  If your daughter is an adult, she can have her own relationship with her dad.  You are not responsible for that.  I do think your husband may lean on her for support if you cut off yours, so she needs to learn to say no.  And your husband really needs to grow up.  The gradual cut-off of 'fun'-ding sounds like a perfect idea.  It'll give him time to wake up and smell the coffee.  Why did he need to rent a condo for his 'marketing?'  I'd think you could do that with a laptop.  Seems like a red flag to me... 

He's got to get it together.  We ADDers sometimes can't hold a job for more than 6 months.  So what?  We can't just NOT get a job because we can't KEEP it.  We just have to get really good at interviews.  We have to survive and we do.  And yeah - check up on all the legal stuff mentioned above.  If he is manipulative like you say, he may try to play hardball.

Livid

"I am baffled by your situation.  I would be livid if I were you!"  Looking at it now, I am livid.  If a friend had told me she was supporting her husband who had moved out, I would tell her to WAKE UP too.  There have been many red flags that I have ignored - for the sake of keeping the peace.   I am mad at myself for being so easy to manipulate - without even a fight.  In my little world I thought that if I 'did the right thing' so would he.  I know he has issues to work out, and I hope he does, but I can't keep waiting around.  You and the other ADD spouses who have worked things out make me realize that my husband has been babied for too long.  

Thank you for your wake up call.

There is a very common theme

There is a very common theme of "if I just do the right thing" for all of us...so do not beat yourself up over that one. We've all started a club...wanna join?

Don't look back, just forward, and be glad you 'got it' now...as opposed to never. Your life is waiting...go live it. Most importantly, go enjoy it. Take the money you've been using to keep him up and take a vacation! :-)

I have a plan...

I have written out a plan for my husband's gradual financial independence.  I am getting the name of a lawyer from a friend - just in case I need to push the matter. Had a heart-to-heart with my daughter letting her know that she needs to maintain her own independent relationship with her dad and needs to be sure to set boundaries with him.  I have some time set aside to talk to my brother about what I am afraid will happen when I cut off the flow of money.  I will be sending my husband 'the plan' on Friday.

Honestly, I am a lot more afraid than I thought about giving my husband 'the plan'.  He is not violent or anything like that.  I think he will get mad and possibly get a lawyer.  What I feel is that am putting the nails in the coffin - that this will really and truly signify the end - even though he already moved out.  Last night I had a dream that I walked up to my house and there was a beautiful wreath of roses on my front door. I was with my daughter and when we opened the door and went inside I looked down, there were petals arranged around a card with my name on it.  I looked up and the rest of the house was filled flowers.  I knew that he wanted to say he was sorry and work on our marriage.  I woke myself up sobbing.  Ugh!

Is it crazy that I am still worried/embarrassed that 'people' will find out I don't have a 'happy home?' I thought I was doing ok since I told my family and a couple very good friends that he had moved out and that we were not doing well.  I am doing all the things I need to do in order to take care of myself and set some boundaries.  I wish I could erase my emotions for a couple days.  I need a break.

Thank you

I appreciate the hugs. There are times when the emotions I experience are overwhelming...but I know what I need to do.

I hope you can address the

I hope you can address the 'fear' issues you're feeling about giving him the plan. Are you afraid it will make things too official? So what if he gets a lawyer? I don't imagine he'll get a helluva lot of sympathy...just let the chips fall where they may there. As for it being the end...I can fully understand that. It is hard to face the reality that things just did not work out the way we had hoped, in spite of all of our efforts. He left. He would be perfectly willing to remain in the current financial state indefinitely. You owe this to yourself...and to him. I expect you'll get backlash from him...but the GLORIOUS thing is..you DO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT OR PUT UP WITH IT! You do not have to tolerate anything from him anymore. No confrontations. No fights. Nothing. You're free to simply say "this is the way things are now, I am moving on. I suggest you do the same" and hang up the phone. I am a firm believer in just letting the feelings flow...letting the tears flow...crying out to God for mercy...and then picking up and moving on...until the next time. It isn't going to be easy...but you've been left with very few options...and you're chosing the one that is best for YOU. That is what you need to focus on. Be proud. (((HUGS)))

I did it!

Thank you for the support.   I need it so much.  It's strange cause I used to think I was strong but lately I really need and appreciate advice, empathy, and support so much.

I had a pounding headache for 2 days and felt like I couldn't breathe, but...I did it.  Got my own, separate bank account, moved my funds, gave him the plan.  I am crying whenever I feel like it which, for me, is a real luxury.  Your statement "...letting the tears flow...crying out to God for mercy...and the picking up and moving on..." really struck me.  This is the hardest life has been for me but I feel like I am growing and that there is hope.  Thank God for my family, friends, and this forum.  

Strength

Every time you face a fear like this and still act, you build up those "acting" muscles.  Stay strong.

I understand...I had gone

I understand...I had gone through a lot before meeting my husband and considered myself a very strong woman. Survivor. There have been times that I have felt like the weakest person in the world...but in the end, you will see, that you were strong through it all...but human as well.

I have lost both of my parents (I'm 43) and have been through hell and back with my son who is special needs, but many of my darkest days have come because of my marriage. Of all of the regrets I have in life, one of my biggest is the way I became so co-depepenent on him and the way I let his ADHD bully me and beat me down mentally. I literally feel like I want to throw up every time I think about how low I allowed myself to sink with him...and for how long. Once you crawl through this war zone, get to the other side, and finally stand up with a tiny bit of your dignity and peace of mind restored, you will be so happy that you did what was right for you...no matter how hard it is now. It is hard to fight for yourself when you've spent so many years fighting for the love, attention, respect, and compassion of someone else and that has been the center of your universe for as long as you can remember. Somedays might require taking things one minute at a time...but you will get through.

Yes, Thank God for family and friends...they will get you through this. Please keep us posted. We are here for you! (((HUGS)))

Minute by minute...

Thank you Sherri.  I keep wanting to minimize my feelings so I can just get over them.  Having you acknowledge that this IS a really hard time helps me to allow myself to feel and work through the feelings.

My emotions are running wild right now. I have spikes of intense sadness - because I am losing my best friend - and then feel almost euphoric when I realize that I am not 'responsible' for him anymore.  

I am telling myself over and over again, even if he worked on himself and made some major changes, I will never have the same relationship with him. He was my first and only love. I actually told him at the beginning of our life together that I loved him and hoped he knew how easy it would be for him to take advantage of me - that I had never been in love, or wanted to be in love, before.  He is the only person I really let in.  Now I'm learning about setting boundaries, having to build some walls, and learning how to take care of myself.

You are right, I am literally having to take this a minute at a time and just live through it.  

Yes, recognize it for what it

Yes, recognize it for what it is...one of the hardest things you'll ever have to go through...because in many ways that will help you cope. Pretending otherwise will just prolong the pain.

I fully understand about love and making yourself vulnerable and coming out of the ashes wondering why the person on the receiving end wasn't eternally appreciative. In the end, we really do forget how to take care of ourselves, to put ourselves first (and not feel selfish), and the worst part of it all is that by doing so we have made the marriage worse than it had to be on ourselves.

I am praying for you!!

Sherri

How true

Sherri-I wanted to tell you that the words you wrote are so true.  I, too, cannot believe how long I allowed myself to be beaten down mentally.  Because I did not work while raising our children, I took the mental abuse as I was always being accused of not being good enough even though I stayed home with our children, kept a beautiful home, did all the housework, did our taxes, paid the bills, etc, etc...you name it I did it.  I have been married for 25 yrs and my husband last year took off to another state to work but told us when he left that he would be back every month.  Two weeks later I found out he had been having an affair.  Once I found that out, I knew that was the final straw for me.  It has been a very painful year but I haven't placed one phone call to him.  Our son who was diagnosed with ADD last year is suffering from major depression and my husband will not ask me how he is doing.  I will never understand how a parent can care so little.  It was only earlier this year that I started to put the pieces together and realize that many of our marriage problems were most likely because he has ADD.  Everyday is an emotional struggle as you know with your son, but slowly I am getting stronger without my husband in my life.  There are still those days, though, that I can't believe the person who I gave so many chances to would basically abandon me and our son after 25 yrs.  He was a coward as he left without even giving our marriage and myself some type of closure.  I would say to all who are going through this to not spend years and years trying to make it work.  You do not want to look back like myself and others and have regrets about the years lost that could have been much happier even if it means being alone.                 

Follow up...

It appears that my husband may be taking my plan for his financial independence seriously.  I called him this morning for a financial update and to reiterate that I would not be paying his way forever and remind him of the dates he will be expected to pay for his own stuff. He told me he had been wrangling up some work and talked rationally about how he was going to afford to live.  The hardest part of the call was making myself NOT ask him what his exact plan was and not trying to give him possible solutions.

He moved out and now he is going to take care of himself.

I am continuing counseling, surrounding myself with family and friends, and thinking up activities to keep myself amused.  There are so many little things I can do now that I don't have to worry about how they might affect him.  I want to kick myself when I think of how long I let his 'moods' rule our household. 

I still feel so sad that I've lost my partner of 24 years but I am making a better life for myself. I will support and encourage my daughter. I wish the best for my husband (ex-husband) but he is going to have to take responsibility for himself.  It would be great if he could get help for his issues.  I gave him a couple books on adult ADHD after he moved out and that is the extent of my involvement.  

I am so happy to hear that he

I am so happy to hear that he isn't being ugly about it..or planning on trying to bleed you dry. I am amazed by your courage and the way you are doing all of the 'textbook' right things in surrounding yourself with a good support system and filling your time doing fun stuff. You are a very smart lady and I have no doubt that you have a very bright future ahead of you.

See...amazing how well they can do when they have no choice, right? ;-)

Now what...

So he moved out, I've been going to therapy to deal with my feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, and denial.  I made a plan to financially separate from my husband and presented it to him.  I have good days and bad days but I am committed to making a life for myself outside of the 24 year marriage I had.  I have 'come out' to my family and friends, letting them know that they perfect life I thought I was presenting to the outside world was just not so and that my husband moved out. I am allowing myself to feel whatever feelings cause I need the practice.

Now, how do I relate to my husband going forward? I will NEVER go back to living like I had been doing for the past 4-5 years.  My husband was not abusive but he was/is like a teenager in the throws of puberty. Self absorbed, depressed, selfish, and spends a lot of time doing nothing. He did not work, clean house, or take any responsibility for our families needs.  He would become panicky, angry, and distraught when I would try to talk to him about how we were living.  It got to be too much for him and even though I did almost all the work, he left.  

So what do I do with him?  I am not going to 'mother' him or pay his way through life anymore.  He was my dear love for many years and the fact is, I may never have left him and I am lucky he left me.  I think all of his relationships have a limited time span and ours was at an end for him. He can't maintain it anymore. But, I still worry what will become of him.  I predict that he will have a hard time in the future. I know my daughter is disappointed and angry with him and I see more disappointment in her future. He will not commit to getting any help even though I think he does see that he has problems. 

I am so sad for him...but even if he wanted to come back, I wouldn't take him.  Will he be able to make it out there in the world? What will happen to him?

Now what

I felt a connection to you reading your post because I see so many similarities to my situation.  My husband moved out a little over a year ago after being married to me for 25yrs.  The last 13 years were spent with him telling me that I was to blame for everything but he made no changes with himself.  Your sentence, "it got to be too much for him and even though I did most of the work, he left" couldn't have described my marriage any better.  I most likely wouldn't have left my husband (at least for now) if he hadn't left me because I stayed home for 25 yrs to raise our children.  Last year, two weeks after he left to take a job in another state, I found out about an affair he was having and knew that was the last straw.  While he has been gone, he rarely asks me how our son is doing so as you said, "I wouldn't take him back".  Just coming to that peace makes it a little easier to disconnect from someone that was so much a part of your life for so many years.  My daughter is also angry and disappointed at her father.  I think it really affects a daughter to see their dad leave after so many years and can only wonder if some man will do that to them eventually.  I am glad you are strong and determined to not take him back because there could be a good chance that eventually he will see his ways and want to come back.  I am sensing that is what my husband is thinking now.  Of course our husbands will somehow make it on their own (and it is important to let him do that without your help), but I don't feel they will ever find the kind of happiness they are looking for.  Either they will never get help for their ADD and the problems will continue into their next relationship or they will get help and then realize they held a lot more responsibility for the failed marriage.  That comes with a lot of guilt.  At this point, I think the best thing to do is focus on you and your daughter and let him find his way on his own.  I have found that with time things are less painful and to now know what we will and will not accept in our life moving forward helps also.  Good luck!!          

   

Thank you for your

Thank you for your encouragement.  I really appreciate it!

It is so hard to have a 24  year commitment end.  I hate that my daughter may not believe that relationships can go the distance.  I have to confess that it is really hard for me to let him go and watch him flounder.  It is easier to let my daughter be independent.  How strange is that?  She is better at it too.  He and I will be better off without eachother...but oh, how sad I feel.  I have really good memories of our early marriage. I hope I can hold on to those while we move in different directions.