Is he or isn't he?

Keep Looking

Submitted by Clara on Sat, 04/23/2016 - 08:58

I think all you can do is gently broach the issue with him, but ultimately it is up to him what he wants to do with it. After almost 11 years of marriage, 14 years together, and 2 children later, I am still working through my husband's ADHD symptoms - after spending $2,000 on an assessment which came out negative. I am frustrated daily with managing his symptoms and behaviour, and it is like a full-time job. I am an elementary teacher, and have had to go to working half-time, because living with him while managing a household, and 2 young children has become a second full-time job. I love him dearly, and our lives and finances are so intertwined that I have made the conscious decision to work through it with him, as I would if one of my children had ADHD (so far no evidence of this, fortunately). But if I were entering into a new relationship like you are, with someone who potentially has ADHD, I think I would run the other way. There are so many wonderful men and women out there without the complications of ADHD, that I would keep looking.

Thoughts

Submitted by tcrane on Sun, 06/26/2016 - 05:25

Hello, I'm almost age wise his contemporary. Forgive me that this is the very first blog I've responded to so it is lengthy and, I'm very certain (not atypical of ADD/ADHD) a monologue. Kahlil Gibran said, half of what I say is meaningless, I say it so the other half may reach you. I would settle for 20%. Okay, 5% of this writing.

Bernie Siegel, MD, "Love Medicine and Miracles" once introduced his wife of 35-40 years as his "war buddy". A dear gay friend in a 28 year relationship said relationship is about "transformation". It is true. Perhaps my response is significant because I'm very close in age to your significant friend or other? Does the following have any relevance? I'd appreciate your comment.

At this point in life (our lives?), I like to think we can be more open to accepting our own limitations. It seems like he's not closed to conversations about differences you have in temperaments and approaches. Thom Hartmann's book ADD: "A Different Perception" was revelatory and transformative for me; It was introduced to me by a teacher I respected who, when we were talking with a shared student we both worked with R.(teacher) suggested this book to this 18 year old with ADHD. This book has given me a very clear perspective to what was true for me, an aerial perspective about my non-linear wiring. With all of his books (also author of living right brained in a left brained world. etc.) I can open up more to the real difficulties I have in relationship; these include the oversensitivity to criticism, the projections, the impulses that both made (make?) life fun and spontaneous, but also carry with them an excitable uncomfortable edge that cuts me off from communication, withdraws me into my own private Idaho (narcisism?), or monologue-ing such as you are experiencing now.

With the caveat that some of the most balanced and mature persons I know are single. So, as far as relationship goes regarding this gentleman, perhaps a metaphor of your comments could be, "they call us salt and pepper but (s)he sure is sweet as sugar to me"...Harry Chapin. I'm blessed that I'm at a place in my life and with my wife's patience, (she says my "heart" is good, amidst my tantrums over the years) that, thru self-reflection, meditation and medication, there is clarity of what relationship is and it is not.

While sometimes she is much too peppery and the difficulties remain, I keep getting these ahas in my life; sometimes, it is revisiting what a spiritual mentor* refers that occurs in deeper contemplation or reflection, where an unconscious unloading of old false programs arise. It is painful when these are running as they will until seen (even in the passive aggressive dance I do when I only think my programs are in sleep mode!). The final truth is, my wife is my bullshit detector because the resistance, quarrels, the agitations, the dramas, the self-righteousness, the tantrums she has seen to be where they are sourced. Thank goodness, as they are impossible to satisfy, as seductive as they've been, it is good that somebody vs. "nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors" (Charlie Rich)....

My relationship (relations period) are about me, I'm finding more and more; it has reduced the projections that I've finally gotten are quarrels I have within that are being 'offered up' in the perfect reflections of my projections on my life partner. As I write this, we are in another creative impasse; what really caught me refreshingly off guard recently was the first 10 minutes of a Harville Hendrix tape, "Relationship, a Path to Wholeness" because it identifies what is true about this committed relationship: that, while my spouse offers me exactly what I need to be whole, she also triggers what seems the most scary.

With love, humor, a lot of patience and shared values, my life can be just doing what I typically do in a different way because I'm seeing ground hog day with a bit more lightness of being vs.seriousness (I've always liked Bill Murray...). A man named Jerry Stocking, whom I shared conference calls with for some time, challenged me one day saying how convincing I can be, trying to convince him (others) that there is something 'wrong'. I'm seeing each day these tendencies when they arise and I inquire more into their reality, as it (thank goodness) can too easily be projected onto my wife. While he said in that same conversation, "I'm surprised your wife has stayed with you this long", he also has given me insight which has helped me to have more kindness, flow, and wonder than I've ever had in my life. And, I'm wanting to keep my marriage if it is not too late.

I'm much more curious about life, rather than taking things so f-ing seriously at home., I do see the significance of self-reflection often. I'm enjoying life more and seeing that letting go of a false program of needing others approval and acceptance, and them being OK before I can be, is the gift of releasing exhaustion I camouflaged in the busyness of a social work career I was extremely good at; Jerry once said poignantly that "saints have it pretty hard because they have to keep up with their press releases". Yes, he was talking to me. .

So, I'm having more kindness, flow, and wonder with me, and also with my beloved. Metaphorically, I'm working on significant things without the waste of energy that I used to. Friends and parents have 'left the body' and more often I see that "tenderly we will soon part" is fact in marriage...this precious moment... or I can allow the common distractions which bubble up that energized the drama of my own projections onto my wife and "entification".

In a sense, while in some way, as we leave one another each night before bed willingly, this isn't about her fully, we share the deepest core values together which, given our fiery temperaments, allows for us to get an aerial view of what is a shared priority of perspective and, truthfully, the recent 7 day silent retreat (et. al.) provided. Practically retreats offer a truce of sorts, but also renew a fresh perspective of insight that inspires reality.

The creative impasse presently is that I am not only more committed to listening because my wife is honest and has been (and is) close to the edge of whether us living together works for her. It is creative in that I am seeing that this dance of impasse continues to bring out in me deeper pain but also deeper honesty; I both listen and respond more proactively to her requests, and I also speak up more candidly when I slip into doing out of duty or because I want her to be less stressed out, down, or agitated. While we were going thru a day that we didn't like each other much, and I was resisting more chores being added to the list of others I have been really on top of.......

There was revelation in the most ordinary of places. I was planting the 6th of 8 flowers one day not in resistance but certainly not feeling all warm inside. As we both commented on the flowers beauty (almost at dusk, I was able to say that I'm aware of something old running now. It came from a fresh place because I have been holding my own with maintaining our household chores and, much more often, enjoying being responsive and proactive. "I've been feeling Iike when I did chores as a kid for the wrong reason; that is, I did chores to try to allay my Mom's major upsets and criticisms about not having support in household chores when it wasn't being directed at me or (I believe only slightly frustration having to do with me. What was revelatory for me was that it came from a more mature place because I was still in communication as hard as it was for me to be without raising my voice level much more loudly. That little bit changed something. I could see the phantom program of overdoing to keep up (with older brothers) and to appease, as something present and, in seeing it, I could accept my need some space from her also didn't carry with it the weight of past projections (for example, my brother was constantly being reminded of chores and blowing them off and my older brother was in rebellious teens challenging my Mom--during the Vietnam era).

The commitment now is that I'm sincerely making an effort to see clearly what is true and also accepting more my "divine ambiguity". It is possible that it is too late to renew or revision our marriage.. And, while I do not want this to occur, the creative piece is that, while it has been unusually tense recently due to some huge healthy transitions, where we have been is occurring without abandoning words or reactions (or seeing and cutting them off when they arise).

"One door opens, the other closes". As I finish this, I'm taking a bit of time in the mountains at an Airbnb for a week to ten days or camping because I'm needing to renew and re-charge from some other deadlines. Can I actually take space that I haven't given myself alone proactively and in loving kindness? Yes. And, I want to keep up on our houses needs, keep updated on the bare necessities and committed.

One happening yesterday as I was reading, yet, another of Larry Dossey MD's books ("One Mind") or was it a U-tube interview, he said that he and his wife take August every year to be out camping in pristine wilderness. My wife often in the past, quite irritatingly, would quote a story that living across the lake from one another" was the remedy because (I can't take it anymore) and just can't live together. We live near a lake (an open space not far from foothills). The first time I took time out to try an AirBnB (hoping it would be in the foothills of the rockies, let's say 20 miles away, the one I committed to that said mountain views....ended up less than 2 blocks from our home. It wasn't across the Lake but certainly metaphorically so; so, it confirmed what I needed (in a sense) and what I perceived my wife was using as a guise to abandon me.

So, as I write this, I'm not feeling scared and on high arousal so much as has been a habit for many moments in this lifestream because I'm engaging more tenderly about needing my own space communicating (some old abandoning fears) as they arise, and staying fully committed. The last time we took this time our appreciation and kindness was freshened like a good sleep on a rainy weekend morning.

Just as so many non-ADHD spouses share, my wife has many of the exact same wits end experiences of feeling isolated and wanting to separate because it is "hopeless". We have shared deep values, and mutual interests. We're opposites (her a morning person, me not). I am changing; I'm not acting like a "4 year old" anymore (OK, much more infrequently). And, I'm now I'm able to be the 'best 7 year old playmate' ever as a Godson to her biological grandson and 10 year old step-granddaughter.. So, one door closes, another opens. I don't have children, but I also really adore them (PART-TIME). I also have always adored her adult sons, whom she raised alone long before we were living together, and her old friends (now mine~and two husbands I respect and one whom mentors me). Her love, her (our) protective layers of (mutual) support has seen how the love of our parents continues in some mysterious incorruptible place. Ultimately, I see how some of her greatest joys that used to frighten me (ethereal space music, the expanse of wavy ominous pacific oceans) has been replaced more and more by holons**, quantum perspectives (morphogenic fields***), the 95% of the universe of which I understand we (our earth) could not survive without****yet is as much wonder as galaxies we can't even fathom in number. I'll end with the Astrophysicist's comments in Charlie Rose's favorite interview 2015, that we are literally stardust. And, as I understand it, the very friction of the interrelated opposites in relationship, in this world of form is necessary for matter. And, this 5% of the universe makes this blog vital.

*Thomas Keating, **Ken Wilbur, ***Rupert Sheldrake, ****Judy Cannato (who introduced Wilbur and Sheldrake's perspectives and dark energy in her books on Contemplation and Science).

One comment

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Sun, 06/26/2016 - 07:53

What you write is interesting and shows a deep desire to understand yourself and your motivations. I'm wondering, from the perspective of your wife, however, if you might we well served to apply some of that energy to better understanding her? If I read you correctly, you are better able to respond to her when she is at her wit's end...but from her perspective, that is likely too little, too late. No one loves being in a relationship where you get the best from a partner when you've had it. The road back, in that instance, is long.

How to broach ADHD possibility

Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Sun, 06/26/2016 - 08:00

I am a big believer in being thoughtful about how you approach the topic of a partner possibly having ADHD...as well as a believer in getting the topic out there. It's a necessary conversation to have before either committing or deciding to leave. One thing that a number of (women, mostly) have said worked for them was choosing some of the patterns outlined in The ADHD Effect on Marriage and reading sections of that chapter out loud. As in "hey, honey, listen to this! It sounds so familiar..." Since the patterns are usually about 2 people, not one, this takes the conversation away from "I think you are broken" to a more palatable "this may apply to US"

Whether or not to stay in the relationship depends upon whether or not the insights this information provides can help you avoid the most devastating patterns - parent/child, for example, or feeling lonely because your partner is so distracted. If so, then you can push ADHD to the side before it becomes entrenched in your lives and be able to focus on what you love about each other.

If you find that the most negative patterns continue, and there is little or no effort to address your problems with the relationship, then it may be time to move on. That's not because of the ADHD, per se, but because you are struggling and see little way out of that struggle. What you find here is simply tools for moving to a better relationship - but they only work if both partners are willing to be involved and ocmmitted to creating a great relationship.

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