He’s THISCLOSE to leaving me: re-traumatized reading ADHD marriage book

Hello everyone,

This is my first post and I’m sorry that’s its such a dark, long one. I’m just in a very bad place right now and I don’t know what to do...

I’m the ADHD partner, and my husband (non-ADHD partner) and I recently discovered Melissa Orlov’s book, The ADHD Marriage. We’ve been together 10 years, and it’s reached a tipping point.

I read it, and I feel hopeful. For once I feel like all of the problems can be explained and there’s a path forward.

He read it, and he’s so traumatized, he can’t even talk to me about it. Its brought back up all of the years of pain that I’ve put him through. 

I feel like counseling is necessary, both individually and as a couple, but I know he’s not willing at this very moment. We’ve done counseling in the past, but he’s so close to done with us that he doesn’t have the energy, motivation, to put work into something like that now. I can’t blame him. He used to be loving, caring, patient. I’ve completely zapped every last bit of patience that man ever had - he never even used to raise his voice, and now he screams at the top of his lungs, tells me I’ve ruined his life, and a lot of other hurtful things. But that’s what I’ve done to him. He’s not an abusive person. But 10 years has worn him down. 

I’m a terrible partner, I can see that. I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to leave me. Everything we’ve tried before has failed. Of course I now understand why - we were never dealing with the source of the problems. I knew I had ADHD. I’ve been medicated for it for 20 years!! So stupidly, I thought, “well, I’m medicated, I made it through school, that’s that”. I had NO idea that it was wreaking havoc on our relationship. Yes, my lateness, forgetfulness, difficultly paying attention we’re a few sore points. But I didn’t attribute it to my inability to make progress on important things, on organization, paying bills, remembering deadlines, being ready for the holidays etc.  Always a day late and a dollar short. And so began the “Parent-Child” dynamic in our relationship, and made everything worse. 

And now, here we are: I feel like we’ve finally found the answers, but for him, it might be too late. He doesn’t want to trust me again, after so many broken promises. I don’t blame him. But at the the same time, I feel like he’s giving up 2 feet from the finish line. I don’t know what I’m going to do if he’s too little too late:(

Has anyone else experienced this? A Non-ADHD spouse being emotionally re-traumatized from reading Orlov’s book? 

Thank you for listening ❤️