He stepped up for one day, fell apart the next morning.

I have to admit I am a bit shocked. My husband actually stepped up when our oldest child was in crisis mode for a bit.

Our oldest son, who has ASD and an autoimmune brain went into a rage the other morning and kicked a hole in our kitchen pantry door, among other things. I had to get him out of the house because my husband was fuming mad, and they will even get in one another's faces, yelling at each other.  This is what it is like when our son has his autoimmune attacks, he gets defiant, raging, breaks property, curses people out, etc. He was on ibuprofen the whole rest of the day as well as natural anti inflammatories. Apparently he got himself in trouble for cussing on the school bus, coming home, talked back rudely to a bus monitor who addressed his bad language, and was told he would have to sit alone on the back of the bus for the rest of the year. Later in the afternoon my son and I discussed this and I tried to come up with some solutions he could try, like apologizing and asking if he could earn back sitting next to his friend if he had perfect behavior for two weeks (he would ask this of the bus monitor), and explaining it wasn't okay that he (my son) lost his temper. My son refused and was threatening to take a weapon on the bus.  I called my husband, said it is high time to get him hospitalized or something before he hurts someone or gets himself locked up in jail. I was actually calling hospitals at this point (psych) but non had open beds, and our child has a Long term care evaluation tomorrow we cannot miss- he gets no supports and long term care will pay for hospitalizations that he might need, if he can ever managed to get approved. He is supposed to be at this appointment no matter what- it is a medical evaluation. My husband actually stepped up and called a whole list of psychiatrists to try to get my son an appt, even finding some that specialize in psychosis. He even finally let me lock up all the knives in the house- he loves cooking and before did not want to be inconvenienced by having to go to a seperate location to get a knife for cooking. I was shocked. Then yesterday he made dinner. Eventually with a third dose of ibuprofen and and a few other natural anti inflammatories our son calmed down the rest of the afternoon.

This morning was hells bells. I was in the shower when I heard the yelling. He had this "contest" with our younger son to see who can get dressed first, because child is a slow mover in the morning and he was taking him to school this morning. Apparently my son hid his tie while he was in the bathroom- either that our hubby misplaced it. He was fuming mad, going nuts over the fact it is his lucky tie and he has to close a loan today and needs that lucky tie. Meanwhile, my older son I have to take is refusing to go to school, younger son is insisting he didn't hide the tie and doesn't know where it is at, and despite having 50 plus other ties in his closet, husband needs to wear that one and he needs it NOW. Which is making everyone late for school and work.  Younger son gets afraid and begs me to take him to school but I can't. Their schools are far apart- one in elementary the other in JR. High, and I have to be at work in 1/2 hr. Before I managed to slip out the door my husband was ranting about how our bedroom is a mess because I have books and piles of files on the floor on my side of the room (I have been stressed out organizing all school records, incident reports and medical records, even medical bills from son's surgery to have them together and photocopied for Long Term care.  I am terrified they will decline him and we are at the end of the rope with this situation- no suport anywhere, going broke paying for all he needs and everyone else's healthcare.  I DON'T know what I will do if we cannot ever get him any help or supports, so I have been trying to make sure I have everything the state lady could ever need when she visits).  But he is upset because of this and that I was too exhausted to do the dishes last night- they will get done today before the state lady comes for the eval, but that's not good enough. I somehow coerced older son into the car, grabbing him a yogurt, all his school items and got him to school. 

So we are back to square one with hubby hardly being able to handle anything anymore regarding kids, acting like a child and tantruming when he doesn't get his way, and even when I am up with a back against my wall hitting crucial deadlines for our special needs child- expecting me to have everything perfect and never be tired, break down or anything.  Truthfully, I am hitting full burn out mode but I don't know what to do. It's sad we have back-peddled after he finally had a breakthrough and decided to even do a small thing to help his family. For those who are wondering, I will be following up with the school on oldest child's threats and if he is still in dire straights after the eval we go straight to the ER to hopefully get him hospitalized from there. He's been under close supervision for the last 24 hrs and will continue to be.

a very tough situation

I am so sorry to hear about all the difficulties you are facing with your family. I wish the best for all of you and right now especially for your older son. I hear some echoes of my situation in what you write, and one thing especially: "it's sad we have back-peddled after he finally had a breakthrough..." I have been in that situation before. And I had to be in that situation many many times before I realized that it was not a breakthrough. It was a moment when my husband managed to pull it together. But it did not reflect any change, growth, or breakthrough on his part. I was desperate to see it as a breakthrough but it wasn't.

Sometimes I think that I am only staying with my husband because I can't take care of our children by myself. But then I wonder if it might be easier without him--especially when he becomes a child I also have to take care of. And not an easy child.

It sounds like you are moving in the right direction by focusing on what you have to do for your son and his very difficult circumstances. You are brave and strong.