He sucks the my joy of giving right out of me. I am a nurturer. My mother and my sisters are as well. We have been married 25 years and I have always had to ask for a massage or foot rub or for a favor and most times I can see a slight look of "oh God" in his face. When I ask him for a favor or a massage it's because I am in severe pain. That being said, the other day, he was complaining about how his knee and feet hurt. We were both a t a three day convetion and were both pretty tired and achey. As usual, even though I always promise myself that I won't budge and massage him, I give in since that is my nature, to make people feel good. So, I got some lotion, told him to get ready and relax since I was going to massage his feet. He was surprised. I puffed a a pillow so he could lay back. But right before I did that, I told him I understand his pain since my feet hurt too and he agreed that my ankles were so swollen. I have plantar issues and am always in pain and he usually says, "aww poor baby" and continues what he is doing. So anyway, he starts to get comfortable and I say in the cutest baby voice "maybe after I am done you can massage mine". His face changed. He looked bothered. He sat up in the bed and said, "forget it, you don't have to massage mine." I was confused and hurt. I said, "do you mean to tell me that you would rather not get massaged to avoid massaging mine?" He avoided the question. Then he said, "well, I figure, since it should be a 'one hand washes the other' you don't have to massage my feet. I put the cream down and I shut down completely. He went to shower and I went to bed with pounding feet. After he started snoring, I started crying out of anger and I went to the couch where my sister, who was staying over, was hanging out. She was concerned and I told her what happened. Of course, she grabbed the lotion asap and massaged my feet. The next day, he said he was tired and that is why he didn't massage my feet and then he said he would later that day. He didn't. I can have the worst migraine or neck pain and he won't offer a rubdown. This was so majorly painful and left me feeling angry. All these years I have done everything and anything to please him, tolerated his behaviors, his terrible temper, illogicalness, neglect of me to watch tv, play on laptop and now his Ipad, sleeping alone, etc. I have pulled back a lot and have to force myself to not jump to be at his beck and call when he complains about pain. How sad that I have to go against my grain. I don't think it loving that he can CHOOSE to not reciprocate when I offer first out of my heart. I will not force this on him since I deserve unsolicited love after 25 years of hell. Then when I seem distant, he plays this game of catering to me and sucking up and as soon as I let down my guard, he goes back to being Al Bundee. It's never consistent and I am left disappointed again, especially in myself for having expectations. His favorite line since being diagnosed with ADHD, and PTSD (by a therapist he went to ONCE because I left him for three weeks after an emotional breakdown) is "my brain is not wired like that". Let me get this straight, your wife is in pain, her swollen ankles are in your face, she offers to massage your feet even though she is tired and asks for you to help her out too, and your brain can't figure out that it would be loving to says, "of course"? How I wish that I was married to a man that was just like me. I feel duped since of course, I got 2 hr massages when I was in NO pain when we were dating. It is just so hurtful. But he says I mean the world to him and he loves me. Yeah, not the way I want to be loved. Funny how he can cater to everyone else though. I will not ask for anything again just to avoid the cutting of the eyes and the face that looks as if he just sucked on a lemon. I will pay for my massages from now on. Of course, he will tell others that I don't massage him anymore and try to make me look bad, never mentioning that he doen't do for me. My friends know how nurturing I am though so there is no need to defend myself to ANYONE. It just sucks to know you chose someone to be with forever but you get no benefits other than a paycheck. Emotional withdrawals and the short end of the stick. His "love" has changed me so much in the marriage department but it will not change who I am at the core in the other areas of my life that are absolutely fabulous. Have a wonderful day everyone. Much love.