He talks all the time!

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Hi!

We believe my husband has ADD or ADHD. He has not been treated or diagnosed yet (we are working on that) but he answers "yes" to most symptoms of ADD.

So I have a question, I'd like to know if anyone else has dealt with or experienced this - My husband voices ALL of his thoughts.

For example, if we are watching a movie, he talks to/at the movie. He gasps, exclaims, and says things like "why did he do that, where is that person going, etc..." He also does this while reading a book or while working on a project.

He claims that speaking out loud while he works helps him focus. I can understand that. But what purpose does talking to the TV or his book have?

This is frustrating to me because its very distracting!! When he does this, it makes me feel like I have ADD too, because my focus is constantly being interrupted. I stop what I'm doing, turn to look at him to see what he's saying, and then I get angry because its nothing important. It's worse when I'm driving and he blurts stuff out too.

I've asked him to stop, but I know that he can't. And I've tried to ignore it, but I just can't seem to.

Does anyone else with ADD/ADHD do this, or is it just a personality trait of his?

Mine, too

A lot of times, he's just thinking out loud and doesn't expect me to answer. It can be bad if i'm in another room, and I drop what I'm doing and limp into the room he's in to find out what he said and he says he's just talking out loud and didn't expect an answer. I agree it can be distracting. I talk a lot too (I've been in market research for 30 years) and for some reason it doesn't bother me as long as I can tell if he's talking to me or not.

He also talks in his sleep. Sometimes I'll answer him because I don't realize he's asleep, and then that wakes him up. Mostly, what he says is constructed in complete sentences, even when asleep.

He's always found jobs where that ability to talk works for him, such as sales, and now, basically talking to the seriously mentally ill.

The problem is when he WON'T talk, like when I ask him a question about something important and don't get an answer.

more talk about nothing

So, this morning, I'm getting ready for work and unfortunately, it's his day off. He is literally following me around while he's thinking out loud (?) about how he's going to fertilize that lawn, it's going to rain again, that makes a big difference, he should read the directions again, he knows the fertilizer has to lay right on the leaf for a while, he's sure that same stuff worked real well last year, wonders what the weather will be like today and tomorrow... then it's about solar power and collection systems, too bad our roof is facing in the wrong direction, then again there are lots of trees around here, I'm mumbling about not knowing how those things work there's lots of new technology out there and now he wants to know why I have to make everything so hard! I point out that I'm getting ready for work, I don't follow him around and talk and talk when he's getting ready for work and of course he says that's a good thing because I have to make everything difficult... come on, I just wanna do what I need to do to get to work on time...

My Brain Doesn't Move as Fast as Hers!

I often have the same experience.  And I often feel exhausted just trying to listen.  And that's the last thing I want to happen before I even go to work - end up feeling mentally exhausted!  I also find I sometimes have to ask my wife to stop talking, slow down, and speak more softly, and it's because there's this loggerjam in my mind and I can't digest anymore.  She talks so fast, switching topics so frequently, that I hardly have time to absorb what she has said before she moves on to the next topic.  So, if I DO want to engage in active listening, by asking questions, show empathy by reflecting her feelings, etc., by the time I have formulated a response, she has already raced on to the next topic, or the next!  Or if I need to ask for clarification because she doesn't fill in all the gaps, or simply because I want to make sure I am hearing what she is saying, I need to get her to stop and back up.  I sometimes have to say - wait a minute, back up, I want to ask you something about what you said about what happened with so and so.  (And believe me, I'm not slow, and don't expereince this with people other than my wife. In fact, many people tell ME I talk too fast!)

When I ask her to slow down, back up, etc. she gets frustrated, and sometimes angry.  I finally figured out that part of that anger is that she thinks I am being critical of how she talks.  (She hears almost everything I say as a criticiam.)  So the other night I treid telling her my brain is just too slow!  That my brain doesn't move fast enough for me to keep up with her and so sometimes I have to ask her to slow down and back up.  That I WISH I could think and process as quickly as she can, but I can't.  I'm not sure she heard me, though.  I think she thinks I was telling her there is something WRONG with the way SHE talks.  But I'm willing to keep trying!

sapphyre's picture

I do it and I'm supposed to be the non-ADD one :P

I don't do it as much when it bothers other people. I certainly don't do it in the cinema! Well, not often, and quietly

He is very talkative. So am I. He gets frustrated with me trying to talk (to him, not myself, although I do that too) about everything in the universe. It's called "no news updates" in our house.

Yes, I suspect I'm high functioning ADHD, not requiring meds as I'm college educated and working professionally to support the family for more than a decade, and we have a mortgage.

Apparently ADHD people are not very good at internalizing self-talk (something most of us learn as children). And talking to yourself isn't a sign of insanity... it's just externalized self-talk. Being a chatterbox is definitely an ADHD characteristic... even the quiet ones will talk forever if you get them onto a topic they are interested in.

Hope this helps.

a lot of talk about nothing

a lot of talk about nothing... I guess that's like the no news update! Mine will actually watch tv and either repeat what's been said or inject personal commentary or opinion about what's been said. Sometimes I'll tell him that I'm listening to the tv right now or else I just pause and rewind. If I talk when he's watching, I quickly get shusshed!

You should of heard the talk about mowing the lawn today because tomorrow is trash day and we can ditch the grass clippings right away, that's right we'll be taking the trash out right after we mow the lawn today... Well, neither got done! There's four or more bags of trash in the house that I'll probably take out in the morning. Blah blah blah... I can't believe anything he says!

a lot of talk about nothing

Don't feel bad Clarity, my husband is the same way.  He's going to do this and this and that and nothing ever gets done.  I haven't believed anything my husband says for many years, now.  It helped me get rid of my endless feelings of disappointment and hopelessness.  Our priorities are not the same and after all this time, never will be.  I've accepted the fact that we will never be on the same page and am now living my life accordingly. 

thanks newf

Even though I've accepted the fact that we'll never be on the same page, I relapse at times out of sheer frustration. His behaviors are chronic and repetitive. It's maddening! He can really get on my nerves! That's just the way he is and I have to make room for him all the time. I have to maintain this false sense of "relationship" with him to "keep the peace". It's bs. I'm not happy and I haven't been for a long time. My daughter even encouraged me to leave him. If I get an opportunity to, I'm gone!

just the way he is

Why do we have to be the ones to accept the ADHD partner "just the way they are"?!?!?!  I'm all too familiar with the phrase "that's just the way he is and you can love him or leave him."  What are they doing to just accept us how we are?  I feel like we are asked to make all these accomodations but get few in return.

I understand that I cannot change someone else, only how I respond to them.  I just feel like ADHDers should be required to have good manners, just like anyone else.

arwen's picture

my spouse does the opposite

My ADHD husband has the habit of *not* vocalizing his thoughts, but thinks he has.

I believe this is because he (like many people with ADHD) has trouble distinguishing any boundary between what goes on inside his head versus what goes on outside of it.  He can't  always remember whether he *thought* something or *heard* something, and he can't always remember whether he *thought* something or *said* something.   The universe that exists in his brain often seems to be just as real to him as the real world is.

In his case, the default behavior is to not speak but then later believe he did.  Maybe your husband has the same basic kind of boundary issue, but your husband's default behavior is to speak instead of just think.

My husband's problems in this area improved with medication, but it has never completely disappeared.  The busier his life is (either at work or at home), the less he vocalizes.  Still, it's a lot better than it used to be before his diagnosis/treatment.

Since we've never been able to really resolve this problem, we have taken action to work around it -- we have several formal meetings each week to exchange important information and discuss any issues we have, and outside of those meetings we just have casual, social conversation.   This enables my husband to focus on important conversations during the meetings and relieves him from the need to pay careful attention the rest of the time. 

You might be able to do something along the same lines albeit for a different purpose.  If you and your spouse agreed to set up meetings for important matters and have casual, social conversation the rest of the time, perhaps *you* could safely ignore his comments at other times.

I urge you to set up an appointment with a neuropsychiatrist for your husband to be evaluated.   There are many disorders with similar behaviors, and most family doctors or behavioral psychologists are not trained to distinguish between them.  Once you have a diagnosis, you can then consider your treatment options.  Regardless of whether you and your spouse choose to try medication, I strongly suggest that you both also see a counselor to deal with the behavioral issues -- preferably one that is familiar with ADHD.  (Our counselor was not, but was willing to learn -- but it did slow our progress.)

Good luck!!

 

"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."  Albus Dumbledore

Nettie's picture

Talking to the screen

"But what purpose does talking to the TV or his book have?"

It's fun! Movies are a form of communication, so are books. It's instantly gratifying to respond to the author, especially (DH) if your partner isn't participating.

Amazing!

My husband has ADHD (all types!) and he verbalizes every single thought.  Reading this posting was the reason I finally signed on.  Ok, so maybe it's not the ADHD and maybe it's a personality trait, but I am thrilled that someone else can relate! He has to comment and be apart of every conversation or comment made to him.  I also cannot watch a TV show in peace.  He needs constant reminding to stop talking.  Now that I think of it, he verbalizes pain as well.  Any cut  or scratch he screams.  I tell him he's being such a drama gueen.  Funny thing is I loath for peace and quiet, which he will give me if I asked but because he forgets I usually have to leave the room.  We went for a drive once and he did not come up for air.  He talked for the entire 30 minutes and it didn't seem to matter that I wasn't listening, or barely responding.  It also doesn't seem to matter what the subject is.  I swear, he can talk for an hour about a light bulb.  I used to get angry all the time and felt he was being selfish.  Sometimes I still do, but it really is non-productive.  I would love to know if the ADHD could highten certain characteristics in people such as this.  It's quite interesting and now I feel better for venting ;-).

Elisabeth's picture

This made me laugh a little

This made me laugh a little because my husband has this same trait!!  It doesn't happen absolutely all the time, just more in the evenings or early mornings when his meds are wearing off/waiting to kick in.  And those are the times of the day when I am winding down/waking up...he knows he does it.  Sometimes I just have to say "DUUUUUUDE!!  STOP!".

So is your husband aware of it?  For me it helps that my husband is aware that this is something he does.  It does not mean he is necessarily aware he is doing it when he is doing it, so I need to him.  We usually have a bit of a laugh or I say " I just need 5/10 minutes" or I explain to him at what point of the day I am at and why I need some P&Q.  Sometimes though, I enjoy it.  In the grand scheme of ADD, this isn't such a bad habit, and often fantastic conversations are born out of it.  It definitely does help my husband to order his thoughts and settle his mind, so in that regard, I try to limit working myself up over it. Sometimes though...ENOUGH!  So I know your frustration.

I guess for us  this habit is something that involves a little give and take from the two of us.  Sometimes I just let it go and sometimes he knows I need a break.  Maybe you can talk to your husband about why it is frustrating to you and explain there are times when he probably should try to limit it - like during a movie.  But then when driving in the car, maybe that's when you can try to go along with it.

I hope this helps. Cheers, Elisabeth 

Glad we're not alone!

My husband is aware that he does it, but he can't help it. He just blurts things out. Like someone said, perhaps he "thinks" it was his inner voice, not realizing he's actually speaking.

I wish I could ignore it, I really do, but I'm naturally so attuned to the people around me that if he even twitches in the slightest way, I notice.

*Vent* I hate that his talking interferes with his ability to pay attention to the movie. He misses important details and gets confused, then he turns to me asks "what happened, why are they doing that, ect." and I think to myself "Well, if you'd just shut up for a minute, you'd understand what's going on!!" Why do I have to always fill him in? Grr!

 

That reminds me of another issue, but I should probably start a new thread for that. ;-)

My Mother Too

My mother is like this and has always been so.

The first step is to try to assertively and calmly communicate & explain what you want.

Then you can use gentle requests/reminders.

 If that fails, I think you will have to start using consequences, like watching TV in another room, pleasantly and ignoring any nastiness or manipulation from him; just be firm but sweet.

Consequences are all that have worked sometimes with my mother, and also with my husband and who is similar to her but doesn't have the motor mouth syndrome. If a person does not care what you want, or cannot consider that, or cannot control themselves, then it is up to you to be proactive and help yourself - nicely is best. 

When you deal with the problem, eg, watching TV in peace, that problem will not intrude on how you feel about that person. 

He Talks All the Time

I relate to all of your stories.  My husband talks all the time - to me, the radio, the television, or the walls if there's no one around.  You always hear that men have only 5000 words a day and woman several times that many.  Well, it's the opposite in our home.  I am so tired from trying to listen through all the chatter and not totally ignore my husband that I don't feel like talking much.  My husband is also in such a hurry to contribute to the conversation that he rarely lets me finish a sentence.  Ater so many years of being interrupted and having "my" thoughts finished for me, that I don't want to spend the energy trying to have a conversation with him.  There's very little I share with him anymore.

He blurts things out all the time!

This website was like a breath of fresh air. I know my husband has ADHD. No doubt about it. He becomes distracted at the drop of a hat by anything interesting that comes along! He talks nonstop for minutes on end about the same topics. And he blurts out the most inappropriate and embarrassing things! Tonite, we saw my boss at a social event and he said "you know, my wife says you are difficult to get along with, but you seem really nice and she says she gets along with you just fine!" YIKES!! The LAST thing a difficult boss wants to hear is that you've been complaining to your spouse about them! He's like a 5-year-old--he has no compunction about just blurting out what's on his mind or things he's heard and should keep his mouth shut about. I don't know what to do. I'm in a constant state of fear or mortification over half the stuff he says.  I'm afraid he's going to cost me my job some day, not to mention the hundreds of just plain embarrassing or too-much-information things he's said. What do I do, leave him at home, refuse to go into public with him? He doesn't believe he has ADHD and meds are out. I've tried to talk to him, but he says I'm too sensitive, but I see how people react to him and they are usually uncomfortable or shocked, too.  His feelings get hurt when I tell him he's messed up again. I really do love him; he's got so many good characteristics, but  I need some ideas.

Incessant talking!

 My husband comments on EVERYTHING. As though he legitimately cannot have a thought to himself without vocalizing it. Well, except when I NEED him to talk, such as making a decision, explaining himself in a faux paux, or even opening the floor for discussion to improve our marriage. Then he's silent as a church mouse.

Seriously, he either comments on what's on TV, or Pinterest, or some random thought in his head every minute we're together.  Kind of in a way that is looking for constant attention and constant confirmation that he is funny.

What really aggitates me is when he hears a song and he SAYS the lyrics to me as though he were conversing with me. I look at him like,  "what the hell are you talking about?"  Then I hear the lyrics in the song playing and I understand and shoot him a look like, "you know the lyrics; good for you. Could you please stop confusing me?"  I can't tell if I hate that more or when I am listening to a song I am feeling, you know,  connected to... and then husband jumps in with his usual comedic impulse of sorts and mocks the song in some way, more-or-less ruining the song for me.  I feel as though he finds the need to pollute every ounce of sound around me. Makes me retreat to the basement for some quiet time.

What's more is that he comments on how much of a chatty Kathy I can be. Since I've been more conscious of my occasional chatty nature, I've noticed his a lot more. And now he thinks that there's something wrong with me since I'm observing/listening more than talking.

Really hadn't considered ADHD. I'm sorry for anyone dealing with this. It really can be frustrating.  It doesn't help that I have a condition that makes processing information collected by the 5 senses a bit overwhelming cognitively.  My husband is aware and I've expressed how irritating it is, but he continues. Time to implement the teachings of the quote, "we teach people how to treat us by what we allow, what we stop, and what we reinforce."

Incessant

How maddening, especially if you've got your own auditory processing issues.  

It  sounds like he's got some kind of compulsion going on.  And to be grimly humorous, because I'd be going up the wall if my spouse were doing that to me, grimly appreciating your duress, 'it sounds like he has imprinted on you, like one of those ducklings that if its mother moves sideways, the duckling moves sideways (in your case, quacks when you do something) and if the mother runs, the duckling runs like the wind after her on its little feet (in your case has to spiel out something).  So sorry you're living with that.  Read what you can about ADHD.  It's not my impression that compulsion to talk incessantly is always in someone with ADD/ADHD, but you've run onto a thread here of people who do struggle with living with compulsive ADHD/ADD talkers, so obviously it can happen  

My ADHD husband can go on monologing jags, and before we began living together was also used to having the TV ...loud...all the time.  In his case, he was pretty much operating out of his head, and I'm pretty sure, was unaware of impact.    It took awhile before I began to get the knack of when he was just pouring it out, nonstop, and no it was not a conversation in which he cared enough about my answers to his questions and my thoughts enough to arrest his flow of thought words, so the best that I could do in the situation...if I had the time for it and weren't caught in the middle of something, was listen to him.  Mine did care about whether or not his speech was being heard.  At other times, he wanted, and was seeking, real conversation, and so our back and forth, questions and answers to each other worked...for me...like what I call conversation.  

 But that's much less than what you're dealing with.  Your husband sounds like he has worked himself into a compulsion and is reinforcing himself in it.  The more he talks the more he talks.   I wonder from what you said, but don't know, you will, whether or not your  attention, or appearance of it, or presence is both his stimulus and cookie?  Just guessing at what you wrote.  You'll know

  I think your last sentence is the way to go...especially if his compulsive habit is more dominant (must be fed) than his desire to know that you received the content of what he was saying.   I do wonder if it is....what person ordinarily spiels out whole lyrics of songs?  

disarm, I do hope you read on about adhd.  If your husband has it, it doesnt mean you have to tolerate his compulsive talking at you.  

Hold firm to what you want to do about your own speech and silence.  He's out of line if he's both telling you there's something wrong with you when you talk, and something wrong with you when you're silent.  That's nuts.   It's either bullying you or more likely some sort of a reflex at you coming out of that compulsive behavior that has him in thrall.  

Sounds like conditioning and reinforcement are the way to go.  There have to be non punitive but real consequences for your husband or the conditioning wont work. He does X, Y that he doesn't particularly like happens.   Non punitive, but he gets the consequences of his actions

In our house, it helped our situation when I decided some boundaries for myself and stuck to them myselt, instead of trying to control what he was doing, and when I decided that there were some things I didnt have to be present for and hear, just because I was married.  There's no way that I was going to tolerate being trapped into hours of TV sound.  I had to figure out how he could go ahead and do what he wanted, but that I wasn't there for the racket of the TV.  He didn't much like me disappearing, but he's adjusted.    I wasn't going to fight with him over who controlled the remote.  He has a mind that works the way that it does, and has preferences for his environment in the house, too.   He also had to learn to let me be, when I needed silence, and he has.  Although it's all working better because I take active steps to take care of my own needs.   But again, our issues of monologues and TV on are garden variety compared to what you're dealing with. 

You'll have to do something.   What he's doing isnt rational, as you describe it.  Explaining, especially explaining your discomfort, wont lead him to deal with his obsession.

 

Incessant talking!

Thank you so much for your insight, Now or Never. Your ducking analogy was quite on the head.  I had read a bit on adult ADHD and I don't believe that it is the culprit.

One day I will get us going to therapy, but while focusing on my health and finishing up a degree, this is taking a bit of a back seat. He is very loving and VERY patient with me and my own faults (god knows I have an abundance) as well as being patient with my health issues. 

It's just as though when I'm home alone, everything is so calm and quiet and easy to process. The moment he walks in the door it feels like "Ooh! Look at this! Look at this! This is hilarious! Oh, did you see that funny thing on TV? Here, I'll rewind it for you. What's for dinner? You look awfully sexy bending over scooping kitty litter. Wanna fool around?" It's like he is constantly "on." Like my 5-year-old nephew trying to always show me something and pull me every which way. Brain overload!

Brain is full

It's just as though when I'm home alone, everything is so calm and quiet and easy to process. The moment he walks in the door it feels like "Ooh! Look at this! Look at this! This is hilarious! Oh, did you see that funny thing on TV? Here, I'll rewind it for you. What's for dinner? You look awfully sexy bending over scooping kitty litter. Wanna fool around?" 

ahahaha      Best to you both, Disarmlily

I don't mind his being talkative....

With the exception of certain subjects.

My boyfriend of 10 months talks way more than I do....he is intelligent, sweet and creative, and I like hearing him talk about things he is passionate about, like sailing.   It has been a long time since he has rambled on and given me "too much information"  about things I'm better off not knowing about, but it still happens...rarely.  After taking advice from others on this site and changing how I react to what he says, things have improved.  If I expressed anger or irritation over what he said, it only made the situation worse. The TMI was over details of his past relationships with other women, and with the women he works with.  There are some things I don't need to know, and I don't appreciate being compared to other women..

Mel's22, I call it jabbertalk

This is something I live with for almost 33 years. My ADHD husband can constantly talk non-stop, talk fast, talk about whatever is in his head at the time, I can't get a word in, it's repetitive and he will repeat the same things over and over several times a day like he never said it earlier, and it is also very LOUD.

      He doesn't realize HOW loud he is speaking most of the time. And with this non stop repetitive talk about his daily "to-do" list, it gets frustrating being talked AT, instead of being talked TO.

        The words come at me in kind of a rat-ta-ta-tat way like, machine gun fire. I've called it jabber talk for a long time now. His mother did the same thing.  A LOT of it is just day to day things HE says he's going to do, but a lot of the time the things Don't get done, but he says it anyway. 

         It's often hard to have a conversation with him because he has a hard time listening for very long, and he wants me to say what I have to say quickly and be done with it. But at the same time he gets angry at me and our girls for having long conversations where we are laughing and joking about many different things. He says he doesn't feel included. He still doesn't understand about the part his ADHD plays in this,.   To where we just sit and listen to HIM talk, because back and forth conversations don't work that way. He is now in behavior therapy and we will see how that goes.

        It's been 3 months since I left, and my life is finally calming down. I don't feel so jittery and uptight as much, which is a huge relief. Being out of the day to day chaos has been so good for my whole being. It's even hard to explain unless you've lived it.

      

Random Babble....

Nervous energy, random babble.  My H does it, my housekeeper does it, and my mother in law does it....all have ADHD.

I can relate!!!

>>>>

       The words come at me in kind of a rat-ta-ta-tat way like, machine gun fire. I've called it jabber talk for a long time now. His mother did the same thing.  

>>>

 

My H talks constantly but usually talks SLOWLY....so slowly that I end up finishing his sentences because I'm bored and want him to finish.  I don't finish his sentences because I want to talk.  No, it's because I feel like I'm being imprisoned by having to listen to him take 5 minutes to say 5 sentences.  

 

And...worse....he often talks slow because he's figuring things out as he goes.  Before he retired, he'd call me from work and SLOWLY say something like, "I probably will be home by 6 pm.  But, I may stop at the pharmacy to pick up my new Rx.  If so, that may delay me by about 15 minutes.  If I feel like going to the gym first, I'll be home at 8pm.  If my boss comes by and gives me a new project, then I'll just stay late and do that.  

 

The above would be said extremely slowly....boring the hell out of me.

 

 

>>>

A LOT of it is just day to day things HE says he's going to do, but a lot of the time the things Don't get done, but he says it anyway. 

>>>

 

Yes, Yes, Yes.....I think that they think that SAYING the chore is the same as doing the chore!

 

>>>>>

         It's often hard to have a conversation with him because he has a hard time listening for very long, and he wants me to say what I have to say quickly and be done with it.

>>>>

 

Yes!!!   The truth is that they don't want to listen to others....instead they want others limiting to THEM.

 

>>>

But at the same time he gets angry at me and our girls for having long conversations where we are laughing and joking about many different things. He says he doesn't feel included.

<<<<

 

Yes, yes, yes!!!

 

 

>>>

He still doesn't understand about the part his ADHD plays in this,.   To where we just sit and listen to HIM talk, because back and forth conversations don't work that way. He is now in behavior therapy and we will see how that goes.

>>>

 

yes!

 

 

 

>>>>>

        It's been 3 months since I left, and my life is finally calming down. I don't feel so jittery and uptight as much, which is a huge relief. Being out of the day to day chaos has been so good for my whole being. It's even hard to explain unless you've lived it.

>>>>

 

Does he call you?

He does call

He does call me occasionally, but he's more concerned with me calling him. I don't get that. It's still about him, and not  about anything I may be going through. He still won't even talk about anything, so I am focusing on myself and trying to work this all out. I've never nagged him or called him names, and it makes no sense why he won't discuss ANYTHING that pertains to us. It's so bizarre, and makes me wonder why he does this. 

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

Is he demanding/expecting you to be calling him?  

 

When H and I were separated, it drove him nuts not being able to rattle on about stuff to me.  He was living with his brother, and his brother quickly got annoyed at his rambling and told him, "we are quiet most of the time."  Lol.

My DH is the opposite...such

My DH is the opposite...such a sssslllllloooooowwwww talker it drives me insane.  How can it take that long to form a thought?  Is it because his brain is so busy and noisy that he cannot pull out the single thought he wants to communicate with any efficiency??  I don't get it.  He reads so slowly I cannot stand it.  I used to show him stuff that I thought was interesting but it took him so long to read even a little snippet that I gave up.  He takes FOREVER to get a sentence out.  And, half the time the info isn't what I needed anyway.  For example, I might ask him what time he is leaving in the morning and he will say "after my conference call".  Well, I have no way to know WHEN your conference call is or how long it will take, so that tells me nothing.  Weird.  Why not just say 10am?  or if you really don't know, say "I have a conference call at 9am and I have no idea how long it will take".  Or he will tell me he is leaving the same time as he did yesterday.  But I left before him yesterday, so how would I know what that time that was??  Such an odd way to communicate.  He also calls me from out of town and says "I am two hours away" (for example) but still does not get hom until 4 hours later.  That happens all the time.  I no longer ask what time he will be home or even pay attention when he tells me because it means nothing.  How do they expect us to believe them or count on anything they say when a lot of what comes out of their mouths is inaccurate or never actually happens or is so unclear we now have 4 more questions that we didn't have before we started???

So understand what you are saying...

and it is the one area that is getting worse(in my opinion). 

I do believe that it is connected to processing all the differing thoughts and formulating it in a concise sentence WHILE trying to remember the question....is just overload, sometimes after hours of silence.  And it happens a lot. And it "robs" us of "easy" conversing/communication and causes me to be disheartened. It happened sooo slowly that he nor I saw it coming but as it became more regular and I would say something( gently/kindly) I saw the defensive attitude starting to rear its head.

It changed the course of our marriage more drastically than any other part of ADD. How to communicate that our communication has gone "sour" and his blank look and long pause before he starts the defending with.....you, you......I swear sometimes I think it isn't ADD.....that there really is something terribly wrong.

Seriously....how do you go  from talking as a way to communicate to ...not....and ...."someone" doesn't see it? Is it any surprise that the result is a "punchy" spouse "walking on eggshells" trying to figure out how to smoothly clearly articulate her thoughts, ideas, info in a way that prevents the "circular conversation" that has no end?

The "pauses" that happen between words and sentences are longer and longer.....others are noticing.....and I wish they would say something. I so wish someone ELSE would say something to him when the ADD causes a moment.....I am over him hearing it only from ME.....because somewhere along the line my "concern" .....means nothing. Interesting that for several years my "concern" with the marriage was also deemed "insignificant". Can we put 2 and 2 together?.......

If we both are making each other feel ....purposeless in the marriage......does it really matter ....HOW it started? Can we just agree how to undo it and move FORWARD?

zapp, excellent questions

My husband talks fast, yours slow, but yet both seem to lack a basic style of communicating effectively. This IS definitely a hard one for me, and is the BASIC reason why I left because I couldn't take ANY more non communication, or one sided communication where I do all the listening but don't get to share myself. It creates  HUGE disconnect between us and I don't know if he even sees that, or wants to. I've watched fear do some crazy things to him and his family, even the fear of communication, but it's IN communication that we grow and can be closer. Where is the fear in that? Especially when I do love him. One person can not do all the loving and giving and the other the taking.  He can see that in other people's lives but doesn't want to address it in our lives.

Again, what IS that? Why the complete stonewalling when if comes to personal change or growth?  Time is so short, and we only have so long to love, give love, interact, work, and live our lives. Why make it so hard for those who love you to be with you for any length of time, when you know there are issues that can be addressed and dealt with to make life easier or more meaningful? Maybe I shouldn't ask that, but it's a question I've had. 

I wish I knew--I agree it

I wish I knew--I agree it only gets worse.  This disconnect happened again last night--DH is flying somewhere on Thursday just for the day for work.  I asked him what time his flight is.  He answers he has to get up at 4:15.  And then stops talking.  okay--NOT WHAT I ASKED.  So again I ask what time is your flight and then he tells me 7am.  Why could you not just say that in the first place?  I just read a piece in Huffington Post about divorce--it said don't worry when there is fighting, worry when there is no fighting because that means someone doesn't even care enough to fight.  That is me--I just don't care enough to push on things any more.  Whatever he says I basically nod and smile.  I only had to confirm what time he was leaving on Thursday so I could think about my day, otherwise I don't care.  Twenty years of odd, difficult communication make me want to live alone more then anything in the world.

same here, had to stop trying

I feel the same. You can be handled getting brushed off for so long before it takes a serious toll. I don't want to try any more either because it went no where. A "surface" type of relationship is not what a person is looking for in most cases.

    This also has made me doubt myself to an extreme degree, to where I don't ever want another close relationship. That seems harsh, but I guess it's a bit of self prreservation. Sad.  

My H can read fast, but he

My H can read fast, but he can talk VERY slowly.  Not all the time, but very often.  And when he pauses after a sentence, I think I can say something, but then he'll say that I interrupted him.  

 

Sometimes he'll talk very fast, no pauses, but often that is when he's ranting.

 

When he lectures me, he'll talk slowly ...mostly, I think, because he doesn't know what to say so he'll figuring it out as he goes along.

Just Talks to Hear Himself

I promise you mine talks to just hear himself.  He will ask dumb questions, talks to the dogs, especially if I am in another room and talks of me like I can't hear him..and he is a loud talker.  We have a 2 bedroom 2000 sq ft house..if I get up he is asking where are you going..if I am in the kitchen it's, what are you doing??..each and every time...he is driving me nuts and we are both retired..is he just bored??? and then when I go back into the family room, I generally find him asleep in his chair.  You know how little kids fight sleep..they get all cranky before they finally fall out..well, that's my husband

 

It's a family trait. H's mom

It's a family trait. H's mom talks constantly.  However, H does this extra annoying thing....talks slowly because he's figuring out what he's going to say.  I'm like...hurry up and say what you're going to say!!!