We have frustrating interactions where my husband thinks he's caught me saying something inaccurate and corrects me. After he tells me I'm wrong, and bat whatever it is around, often he reverses himself and then tries to claim he never made the original statement. I don't think he means to hurt my feelings, he is just backtracking from his impulsive first statement, but the cover-up and rationalizations are fierce. This drives me around the bend. Why was it "gotcha" at first when it's "aww, don't sweat the small stuff" later? What is really making me sad is that apparently me sticking up for myself and telling my husband that his "you're wrong again" is hurting my feelings drives my child up a tree, and my child's reaction is that I am the one causing the problem, by getting all emotional about it. This is making me resolve to just take it next time, but I'm not sure I feel so great about that, either.
Sounds like low self esteem
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Sounds like low self esteem. He thinks he's going to feel better about himself by saying that you're wrong about something
Hard to take when it happens
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Hard to take when it happens over and over : ( Sorry he's in a habit of leaping to accusations of your failure, then scurrying away when the situation doesn't turn out to be what he claims. I agree with OWW.
Dancer, your child won't have been around for all of these incidents between you and your husband, so will see a partial picture, not have a view of the whole repetition of the habit.
And of course will be seeing with a child's eyes and concerns, not seeing like a married adult. You don't mention how old your child is...the maturational age will make a difference, I'll bet, since the child development researchers say that kids think differently, and have different issues, depending on what biological age they are. A three year old will react to different things, and differently than a teen will.
If I remember my feelings and concerns as a very young kid, I can remember that anything that looked like strife between my parents was very upsetting to me...I just wanted them to stop, or wanted myself to do something to "make it right" "make" the strife between them go away. But that's memory from before the age of 10, especially. If your child's reaction is about strife itself, your husband's cover up of "aww don't sweat the small stuff" will match the child's concern to "just make the strife go away"
Which is kid's coping, not an adult's coping.
Of course, you don't want your child upset, either. But consider what you're modeling, if you just take it on the chin silently over and over again in front of the child when you're called out for wrong and then the erroneous wrong caller evades his own mistakes.
Maybe do your interactions with your husband over this away from your child, so the child (who will never think about the interactins like an adult in a marital relation) doesn't hear what is, at this point, a marital matter, business between you and your husband?
my child's reaction
Submitted by dancermom on
Thank you both of you for your comments. My child is 10, and your ideas about their reaction make a lot of sense to me. I also think I have so much pent up frustration over this and other things that when I try to speak up it comes out as I'm the angry one... and everyone wants it to go away. My husband makes his needling gotcha comments in a matter of fact kind of way. What I'm modeling for my kids is a very big concern for me. I have been working in my own therapy to reclaim the me who I am when I was not reaction to all the bizarre runarounds, denial of responsiblity, etc... that take place in my marriage.
keeping it private
Submitted by Delphine on
Just my two sense. I sure wish my parents had thought to keep their fights between the two of them. It was more on my dad than mom, since he was the one yelling at her.
I strongly suspect now that she was ADHD, and perhaps had MPD as well. Dad was borderline and who knows what else. (I figured this stuff out later in life, on my own.) Not exactly a match made in heaven. Anyway, it is a lot for a kid to handle, hearing parents fight--especially when it is a regular occurrence. Oh, and...my ex and I also fought loudly when we were together, not sufficiently mindful of the effects on our little boy, not to mention the next door neighbors. Herstory repeats itself...
I can tell you are doing your best in a difficult situation, dancermom. Hoping you find resolution one way or another.
Delphine
Dancermom, same thing here
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I have lived this for a long, long time. My adhd husband and I have had this discussion hundreds of times. He won't even consider that maybe once in a while I just might be right. He "forgets" SO many things.........especially conversations, that it is maddening. Even when he is blatantly wrong, I have never heard an apology, but I apologize to him when I'm wrong.
Do they want to be RIGHT, or do they want to be HAPPY? My husband wants to be RIGHT. It's hard to always be in the "one down" position, and he can't SEE this.
He has had no clue how much his untreated adhd has affected HIM, ME, and our family. After so my years, and my health failing, I couldn't handle being belittled in some ways, and ignored in many others. It wasn't a partnership by any means.
I ended up not having anything I could call my OWN. That included possessions, opinions, feelings, etc. I lost myself, and THAT price is too high. I'm slowly getting better since I left, but I've a long way to go. But, he is getting worse, because he doesn't have anyone there to "pick up the slack", of all the numerous messes, bills, cleaning, ........well,......everything.
I know this is a post from last year but me right now!
Submitted by risingfromtheashes on
Yes with the Im wrong for life from him to me and Im soo soo sick. Its so bad as we are having the fight and he is not listening he is claiming Im not saying things Im saying in the present moment his ADHD is so bad and I feel like we are both trying to catch each other out on issues and Im so tired of the cycle. I hate that I never feel heard apologized to correctly and that its just right or wrong and always always the argument ends in him being the victim and I did something. He feels I turn it around and blame him which I do because he did it, also I am tired of the fact if I forget anything anything Im verbally abused but if he does its a dance to get an apology or to fix the problem.I want to fight constructively you know like we both we worked on problem together dont know if this will ever happen. Im so tired of feeling wrong, having no one to vent to and just dealing its terrible and picking up the slack yup everyday.