He thinks marriage is boring

I am a non adder and my husband is a medicated ADHDer.  I am 35 and he is 41.  We have been married 3 years together for 7. He recently started treating his adhd over the past 8 months or so.  He has been taking several anti-depressants and adderal.  We have always had a happy relationship, we worked out ways to communicate our needs to each other and we have a fantastic sex life.  Last week my husband came home and told me that he just didn't feel the spark anymore, that he loves me but doesn't think we are intellectually compatible.  One day he says one thing and the next he says we have reached a plateau and we can't go any further or our relationship has run it's course.  We are in marriage counseling and I am hoping it will help.  I am looking for advice from ADHA men who have fallen out of love with their spouses. 
 

I don't think,

I honestly don't think your ADHD spouse does not love you,it's not so I really can't say for sure,but what I have read and know for sure is that maybe you need to have some fun times together.

When was the last time you guys went out and had some real fun?.Maybe a dance,dinner,movies,ANYTHING, that you both would enjoy could help with the relationship to spice it up A LOT.My spouse and myself always have "Fridays'"as our date night,Saturdays' Sundays' sometimes as well,we make it a priority to go out and have some fun times together,"just the two of us"we would go to the casino,dancing,we would go and have a social drink and these fun times have kept us really in love and going.

Try having some fun together and I am sure that he would not say that the marriage is boring again.

Lovehurts.

I've heard THAT before...

Oh yeah... a lot.  I don't have the time right now to comment, but you should read my posts.  They're a real downer.  I'll come back tonight (or soon!).  

we do have fun

When he told me last week he was bored I immediately started looking for something fun to do.  This past weekend we went to the Eastern shore of Maryland and spent the whole weekend wandering in the woods and combing the beach for shells and fossils.  These are things we always enjoyed together in the past, but hadn't really done in a while.  He has very low self esteem and he has recently met a younger woman at work (23 and he is 41) and they have a lot in common, but she is very attractive(she is a model) and he knows there is no chance she is interested.  He says this is what made him "realize" that the small doubts he has had off and on for the last year were substantial.  The weird thing is that he still tells me he loves me and still comes home every night.  He still kisses me and holds my hand.  He still has sex with me.  But he thinks our marriage has "run its course".  We are currently in marriage counseling and he likes going, but when I ask him if his mind is leaning towards staying or going he says he doesn't know. 

ranjen1,this is not unusual.

This sounds like he is searching for something that he soo craves for,I am not going to make any wrong suggestions,but my husband had a similar circumstance with his ex before he met me.He was not happy but still had sex with her,he wanted to leave but still came home and kissed her,he took her out,paid for her school tuition,he stayed with her for 5 plus years,Now,how can that NOT be love,clearly he loved her.He was not happy with "him" he was the problem,everywhere,everything he did was to overwhelming for him,the sex became boring ,the kids, the wife EVERYTHING,and the only solution he found was to come back home where his parents resided.

I am not initiating anything here,but maybe you need to look deeper in to this,before you lose him to some "stupid reason" ,for me I thought that he was only making excuses to continue child support,but it was NOT that,in fact I realized and analyzed that he just wanted a way out,out of the kids,wife,mortgage,and he ran ran ran,back to his country and never went back,leaving his two precious kids behind with no father,and not that he wanted to leave,it was him he was running from.

I do think that your husband loves you and want to be with you,but there is clearly something that he is NOT happy with and it is NOT you,it's HIM.

ADHD people are very sweet, loving people,but also very depress and anxious.

I HOPE THAT THINGS IMPROVE FOR YOU.

good luck.

lovehurts.

Insight

Thanks for the insight.  Last night I came home and asked him if he had decided yet and was just afraid to tell me and he said no, he didn't know how he felt.  He isn't sure if I can make him happy, but on the other hand he isn't convinced that I can't.  I just told him, well I'm here I love you I want this to work and said I was tired of crying over it.  I was just going to go back to normal.  Obviously I am not the issue.  I am me and he has been madly in love with me for the last 7 years.  He was sick so I went out in the rain at 9pm to get him meds and then we laid in bed and watched TV then ended up having sex.  I am not a nagging typical non-adhd wife.  I accepted my hubby for who he was.  I also do most of the housework and all the bills, but he helps whenever I ask him to.  He is disorganized and forgetful, but I have a system to help remind him with out being naggy.  

I call this part of ADHD

I call this part of ADHD (in my own DH) the 'little boy who is never happy with what he has" or who always thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. He nearly threw our marriage away 3 or 4 times because of this 'phase' he goes through sometimes. My best advice to you is to do exactly what you said...GO BACK TO LIVING YOUR LIFE AS NORMAL and do not mention it to him again. I know that sounds nuts, but the more you try and 'resolve' this or 'work on it' the more you're probably pushing him away. I would bet that he has this idea worked up in his head that he's not happy, or probably running from something...feeling the need to 'escape' from his life/responsibility/fears and having to 'work on' the marriage right now will just solidify his feelings that 'this thing is just too hard'. Don't kill yourself trying to make his life exciting either...no one can keep up with that for the rest of their lives and you don't want to have him come back in a year and say 'you just did all of that to manipulate me and then you stopped'. Be yourself. Being you IS good enough...if he cannot see that, then that is his loss. 

I have been down this road, as I said, 3 or 4 times in the last 15 years...and the first thing that came to mind reading your story was "F*ck that!". Sorry...I really am stronger and happier now in my marriage than I have been in a very long time, but the days of me bending over backwards to his threats of leaving and 'I'm not happy' are DONE. This is a very good opportunity for you to fall into the 'trap' and prove him right...by trying to make all of this go away. Or you can continue with your life as if nothing has changed...not taking this personally...and he'll likely eventually get over himself. 

If it helps, this does get a little better with age...and a lot better when you set boundaries. 

great advice

Thanks!!!  He just has no idea what he wants so I am not going to talk about it anymore.  We do go to counseling and when we do I will just let him talk and I will just be supportive.  He sees his psych dr on Tuesday and I am hoping he gets his meds adjusted.  I read horror stories on here about how wives didn't understand their husband's distance and disorganization.  For me this has never been an issue, I would just politely ask him to help me and he would.  Sometimes I had to touch him and make eye contact, but he did it.  We have learned to work together and we have always been a very loving couple we rarely argue.  So I am taking your advice.  I am going to stop talking unless he wants to talk and I am going back to who I have always been.  I really appreciate all the comments. 

Couldn't Agree More with Sherri's Post!

I agree 100% with what Sherri said.  That is exactly how I felt as I read Ranjen's words.  For 13 years, my husband also told me many times how he wasn't happy, never loved me, "we wouldn't be married if we didn't have kids", "we'll decide next year if we are divorcing", "if I ever leave, I am never coming back", etc, etc, etc.  However, he did leave and came back many times (and like a fool I allowed it).  It was verbal/mental abuse plain and simple!!  At first I was like you, Ranjen, I thought if we did more things together or if I didn't get upset and kept my emotions to myself it would get better.  I blamed myself for everything.  Guess what?  Today we are no longer together because he had one affair that I found out about.  Please don't let him get in your head and make you think it is you.  I suspect if he is noticing this woman at work, there is a good chance she is flirting with him even if it is innocent for now and that is making him think he is not happy with you.  There is one thing I have learned in all these years and it is that you can't make someone care about you or realize the quality person you are.  Many will leave a very good person and not realize it until it is too late!  As Sherri said, ADD or no ADD, many will always think the grass is greener somewhere else.  Ok, the second thing I have learned is to NEVER take that verbal abuse again.  If I ever hear any of those words again in a relationship, I will show them the door FAST!!  Today I feel like either someone loves you 100% or leaves, but the heck with this "the spark is gone" verbal crap that can go on for so long.  Please, don't put all your energy into figuring him out or making him happy.  He will end up doing what he wants to anyway.  Live your life!!       

he will you're right

He will do what ever he wants to in the end you are right about that.  It's my first time dealing with him acting like this so I am really trying to do the right thing the first time.  I was married previously for 8 years to a lazy man who never spoke to me or had sex with me threatened to kill himself every time I left the house.  HE ended up physically abusing me and I left him immediately.  I really thought this time was so different.  I felt like he was really the one for me and that he loved me more than any ever had..But now he says I would have fallen in love with any guy that paid attention to me at that point in my life.  I found that very insulting(blurter!!!!).  Like I said he is trying for now so I will go with the flow.  My 9 year daughter has been through 2 divorces so far me once and her dad twice, I was really hoping she was going to see how good and long lasting my second marriage was...but I feel like that might not happen. IF we divorce I will not get married until my daughter moves out.  Lesson learned on hurting and destroying her life....

I understand

You are absolutely correct in trying to make it work for now.  I guess I am speaking from a perspective of someone who let that type of behavior go on too long.  There may be other things going on with him that counseling could help.  I really wish you the best!      

Yup

Now, my husband would never say, 'divorce,' but he acts it out just the same. I'm pretty sure my husband's MO is just have bad behavior, not take responsibility and then when the other partner wants out, then blame them!

See, I'm not shiny n new anymore and boy does that become a difficult thing when real human interactions like problems come in.

N, yes, often, trying to work on anything makes it all so much worse. It does defy the usual logic, but I'd call it a true story.

 

He wants out

So I realized Friday that my husband was feeling out a relationship with a young 23 year old girl who is very attractive and have many of the same interests as he does.  I decided that the physical part of our relationship was definitely over for now and that he needed to move out.  He convinced me that moving out was not the right thing to do and that we could live in the same house together and be cordial with out him leaving. That lasted 24 hours.  I was ok with it most of the day until the night time when I realized how easy it was for him to do this and hard it was for me.  We talked until 4am and came to the conclusion that he wants out.  He wants to move on and see if he can find a better and deeper relationship.  He wants to do all this and still live with me for however long it takes.  But I am not ok with this, I feel like he stays here and I will continue to play the wife role at least with house work and bills while he gets to go out and have fun new relationships.  He says I can do the same thing and he won't care.  I don't want a fun new relationship.  I want my marriage...but he doesn't so there is nothing for me to fight for. 

My honest opinion

Help him pack, and hold the door for him as he leaves.

He wants better, and you deserve FAR BETTER.....alone is FAR BETTER for now.

H*U*G*S to you, as you go through all this pain.  May you come thru the other side a happier and more peaceful person.

My advice

Help him pack and hold the door for him as he leaves!!!

let him find the happiness and joy he so desperately needs.  You will have that joy once you find peace in knowing that that real love gets dull and difficult and yet it's still magnificent.  No one can be the "bright and shiny" forever.

H*U*G*S and peace, as you adjust to this life altering realization.  You are NOT alone.

I am so sorry you have to go through this!

Dear Ranjen,  I was so sorry to read your post.  I have been there many times, like many of us, and know what you are going through right now.  The line that really made me sad was him saying that he won't care if you found a new relationship.  What a cruel thing to say to his devoted wife.  As difficult as it is, the best thing you can do is to tell him to leave.  Do not allow him to stay in the house.  That will never work for your sanity.  It may work for him because he can "sample" the new relationship and if it doesn't work out he hasn't really left you.  If he does leave and then in the future he attempts to get back together with you, my advice is to be VERY cautious!  You may feel compelled to keep trying for awhile but just please be cautious.  Most likely he will be only coming back because the new relationship didn't work instead of coming back for the right reason of loving you.  I really wish I had been stronger when this type of behavior started happening in my marriage.  In the end, my marriage collapsed anyway, so I feel like if I had been much stronger early on and set some boundaries of the way I should be respected, I would not at least have lost so many more years of my life.  Thoughts are with you!    

I was trying to tell you the same,

I knew form your first post where this was heading,but I did not want to make any wrong suggestions,mostly, painful ones for you.I am very very sorry he was cheating on you,but I did knew that, like I said from your original posting and I was only trying to be more supportive rather than tell you that I think your husband is cheating,but good thing you found out now than later down the road.If I were you I would let him go without looking back,what would be your cries of yesterday with him,would be your joys of tomorrow without him,it's his lost,not yours,the reason most elderly men like younger women is that they can rule them and tell them what to do,and they like puppies running behind them,what the mature woman wouldn't do,the little girl would,.Move on with your life and find your happiness and joys and forget this relationship that is a waste of time and energy.If it is that he cheats now and is not willing to love you unconditionally and have remorse for what he have done,then I suggest that you help him pack according to another post that I totally agree with.

now is a good time for you to start living,

good luck.

lovehurts.

Put my foot down

First I have to say he is not cheating.  He likes someone but hasn't actually told her or done anything about it.  I put my foot down.  I told him he was choosing a fantasy over real life and if that is what he wanted I was goiing to let him have, but not at my expense. I won't be a doormat, but I still want my marriage to work.

yes,put your foot down and bury it.

Be strong hang in there,but,I strongly caution you that it is an affair in the making,regardless to if you think it's just a fantasy,I don't think it is so at all.He was so cruel to initiate that he wanted to see others while he lived with you,that is to see if they could make him happy or not,in other words he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

everyone of us here wants our marriage to work out,but when do you know it is time to stop trying?

lovehurts.