He Tries so Hard

It is so hard to be upset and frustrated with my DH.  When I am home, on the weekends, he is more relaxed and focuses better.  I know he gets frustrated with me cause I am not sitting with him watching TV or cleaning house, but I need my down time also, and he has come to realize that also. He is also all over the TV stations and can't watch one certain show all the way through, which bugs me beyond belief.   If anyone has read my previous posts, during the week, I have a full time job and have so much that I need to do at home, and I am in so much pain, that when it comes to the weekends, I need my downtime to rest my body and get the computer work, bills, and other items that he doesn't deal with during the week.  Today, he did the laundry, and is working out in the garage, but comes in and gives me a hug every once in a while.  He is the sweetest man, and when he knows that he has upset me, he gets down on himself so bad, that it is really hard for me to explain what he needed to do, or to just tell him that I need him to do more.  He tries so hard to make me happy, that I really hurt when I need to talk with him about something.  I can't find a way to do it without upsetting him, but then he calms down and realizes what he needs to change.  It is just hard to have him face the issue.

Does anyone have a way that they discuss things with their ADD spouse that seems to be easier on them?  I would love to find a way to talk with him that wouldn't upset him so much.  It seems like if I preface my request with, "Don't take this personal, it is just a suggestion", it still upsets him. Can someone help me with this?

He tries so hard

E-mail. It gives the ADHD person time to process the information, gives something to refer to, and allows time to reply. You also tend to use your best written manners.

Expect misunderstandings in writing tone etc does not come over well and some folk have more trouble expressing themselves than others.

Does that mean in the same room - absolutely. It is especially useful when there is a volume of information to absorb. 

It also gives you a good understanding of your won communication style.

Try not to use the word 'should' or  'you'. So instead of I would like you to take out the garbage, please. I would like the garbage taken out, please.

And don't forget writing for good reasons "Just writing to say I love you." or "Thank you so much for... *your help with the garden today." (*insert your own) 


...I hit save twice. But while I'm here again, remember always two positives for every negative. ie: I would really like to thank you for cleaning up the garage today you did a great job.

Can I suggest ......

Oh and while I am here I just wanted to say great job on the laundry too, I find that such a great help.

If I said to my husband "I

If I said to my husband "I would like the garbage taken out, please" he would continue to sit on the couch watching TV, yell upstairs at our oldest son and tell him to do it.  Then he'd probably get upset at our son for not doing it fast enough.  Our children do enough chores around the house (more then their father does typically).  If I want him to do a chore and I usually ask "can you help me for a minute by taking the garbage out, please?".  If I'm not specific when I ask him to do it, he will delegate it onto the kids.  Even then sometimes if he tries to have the kids do it I will inform him "he has been very helpful to me today, can YOU please do it?"  He has the option of saying no.

My ADD husband HATES for me

My ADD husband HATES for me to communicate with him through e-mail for anything and it has rarely ever helped us make any progress. This sucks because I am much more able to say in an e-mail what I want, with time to rethink things before sending, than when we are face to face and emotions are involved...but he has stated MANY times that e-mails (and texts) to deal with issues infuriate him. Just saying, it might not work for everyone.

I just say "would you mind to take out the garbage?" or "don't forget today is garbage day". It is about 50/50...whether it gets done or not.

what happens if you type it

what happens if you type it out or write it on paper and then sit with him as he reads it explaining that its hard for you to get this all out on your own or something. 

I used to use e-mail as my

I used to use e-mail as my way of trying to REALLY reach him because face-to-face conversations always ended up in a fight. I felt it was a better way for me to be heard, get my point across, not lose my tempter, him not lose his, etc...but that was never the case. We have just improved our listening skills, and improved our ability to walk away from things before they spiral out of control, and I don't have the burning desire every other day to sit down and type him a long, drawn out e-mail about things. So since we don't have the walls between us, we are able to communicate things more effectively and I have learned to make my point in ONE sentence...and be done with it.

Also, we keep a journal (yes, color me SHOCKED that he is actually participating) that we don't talk about, we just write about things in it and lay it on each other's pillow when we add something new, so we'll know to read it. It is for issues we want to address, but don't want to become an argument, or blessings we are feeling, our fears, frustrations, excitements, etc. Just anything we might want to write about the days events. It has worked out really well. I am truly thankful that he's receptive to these ideas. I find that if he gets to express his feelings without me belittling him or insisting he's wrong to feel a certain way he's FAR more likely to express his feelings either orally or in writing.

He wrote in the journal that he finally was starting to feel like part of the family again. Although it was almost entirely his doing by having an affair and behaving so badly that I asked him to leave, I won't respond with that..I will just tell him that I'm glad he's feeling like part of the family again. That is all he wants, acceptance and to be loved, faults and all. Don't we all?