"He who cares the least wins." I think of this quote quite often in my own relationship with H. He seems to need his independence and control and "self" more than he needs a relationship with his marriage and wife. That seems to be the mode of the day ..... boundaries and self-hood and self-pampering. I DO feel needy often. I WANT to care and have connection. Does that make me co-dependent? Or does the fact that our needs are not being met mean that our needs are not being met? Does our society believe that caring more is linked to desperation?
Playing "games" of control and distance (avoidance) seems immature and maddening in a long term marriage with family. When two people are constantly competing (for their ego), nobody wins.
The neuro-wishing and "A Course in Miracles" and "creating your own reality" only goes so far. I believe in positive attitude, gratitude and prayer but educational psychology and organizational behavior has proven that a teacher, manager, dictator, parent CAN control the beliefs and thoughts of others. Like was said on this thread before, a child cannot "conjur" up how they are raised and treated. Neither can many people without resources or entitlement have "mind control" about how they are treated. If a person has no recourse, no options, they must endure what is. And how you are taught and treated DO have an effect on quality of life unless you are delusional.
I like the quote J said from Yoda...."Your Jedi mind tricks will not work on me." which would be a good mind set to keep your sanity when you MUST ENDURE GASLIGHTING.
I am co-dependent. How do you separate good co-dependence with bad co-dependence? Do not partners as a wife and husband need to depend on each other to work together? Is LOVE nothing more than an illusion and something to protect yourself from being too vulnerable? How much ego does a SELF need to have before we are all independent of each other and all play the "power over" games which results in winners and losers and the game of WAR?
Some people fight. It is in their nature. Some people serve. It is in their nature. Those of us who serve are at the mercy of those who fight. It is best to know this when young so that choices can be made that are based on mutual trust and comitttment rather than sex appeal.
I do know of happy couples who appreciate and love each other. They are both co-dependent. Not one of them is co-dependent and the other a warrior who is constantly protecting himself from any intrusion into an isolated world of his own.