Healing Myself While Still Living Together

Forgive me if this is jumbled, it's really late right now.  My husband posted here before me.  In a nutshell, my husband sought treatment for his ADD after our marriage was in dire straits 6 years ago, was good about getting treatment, but gave it up eventually and slowly stopped his medication all together.  Big surprise, our marriage is in a state of falling apart.  Except I am in much worse shape emotionally than I was before, and I was a wreck then.  I can't stand myself, my relationship with my husband, and had lost all hope of any of it changing until I stumbled on this website.  The day after I read about everything I could here, I had an epic blow up at my husband - again - because he was blaming me for his problems - again.  This sent him searching the internet for direction and, lo and behold, he stumbled onto this website on his own.  It opened his eyes to understanding me and himself.  Honestly, I didn't think that was possible.  It hasn't been until now - 6 years since we last tried to fix our marriage - that I have read something that has spoken so much truth to what both my husband and I have experienced as a couple together.  Melissa Orlov is a heaven sent.  Being married to someone with ADD, or having it yourself is a complicated situation.  It's very easy to see why people give up on relationships of this kind.

The problem I’m finding now is mustering the strength to begin again.  I can’t get myself to reset my gears.  I’m so exhausted from my blow up at my husband a few days ago, my internal compass is failing me, I’m ashamed at how utterly dysfunctional I’ve become, and the stress is so bad that I am feeling it in my entire body.  I need a break from him, but it would devistate the kids.  Yet I truly CAN’T go through the vicious cycle with him again.  I spoke with my husband about these feelings and he is taking the last few pills from the last time he got treatment to help him out until he can get something else from his Dr.  It's Adderall, so it helps in some ways, but he becomes over focused and it's hard for him to break away from what he's doing.

I don’t have any friends to talk to and my family, especially my mother, is so burned out with their own issues that I know if I try to seek support I would be stressing them out further.  I made an appointment with a therapist to work out my stress and find ways to cope in my relationship, but it isn't going to be fore a few more days.  I can't stand that my kids are feeling the stress, too.  My boys, 9, 7, and 4 are acting out and rolling their eyes at me more.  I'm a disappointment and I am surely fighting depression.  I can tell they're thinking, "Emotional and Depressed Mommy can't do anything fun because she's tired or stressed out."  "Don't lose your shoes or Mommy will lose her mind."  "Great, I'm getting the 'don't make me repeat myself lecture', AGAIN."  I'm so cranky that I'm a ticking time bomb around the kids.  Living with me right now is not fun for anyone.  What will become of me if my husband and I have another freak out session?!  I think I might explode into a puff of smoke and cease to exist.