Heard something this morning...

..that I thought definitely applied to many of us here..

It is just something I heard on one of my ebooks (Five Love Languages) on my iPod this morning and it really goes along with what Melissa is always trying to stress. A few key points I thought were worth sharing..

#1- hyperfocus is very real during the dating process, but it might not be 100% to blame for the 'change' we see after we get married...because in many situations men and women are under the 'influence' of the endorphins released by the feeling of 'being in love'. To some degree we ALL change after we get married, so even though we all want to blame hyperfocus, it might be more just normal human chemistry. I really want to believe this to some degree because although I saw some hyperfocus, I have always felt my husband was very attentive and focused on me...I never saw the complete shut down and loss of interest many of you experience. He is very 'needy' (sadly, beginning to realize this has developed a co-dependent situation for me...as he is now on meds and is gaining confidence he's needed for so long, but it is taking away some of the 'focus' on me...the 'need' for me...and I'm struggling to understand, cope, and be supportive)

#2 -building on this idea he says that once we fall into domestic-hood with our new spouses, along come the expectations ...household work, yard work, auto upkeep, etc. Not only is the honeymoon over, but we get to see what we've really gotten into with each other. They don't clean/cook/paint/mow/etc? The other spouse nags...feels disappointment...eventually resentment...and inevitably the spouse (both of them) isn't seen as a human but rather an 'object' and love is strangled because of this. Just because one spouses idea of "love language" (if he cleans the house it will prove he loves me) is based on physically doing things for us, does not mean that the other spouse feels the same. We are CERTAIN that their lack of help around the household is certainly a lack of respect and love. (maybe respect, to some degree...but usually not love). When nagging takes place, the only motivation is to avoid the nagging...and nothing is done 'just because I love you'.

For my marriage, I used to feel this way too...he could not possibly love me and not clean his den like I would beg, nag, cuss, scream and yell about. If he would help around the house I was 'in the mood'. If he'd watch the kids for a few hours so I could go out with friends, I really would come home feeling more romantic towards him. For him...it is 100% physical touch. A hug, a kiss, cuddling, me just simply being kind and supportive makes him feel loved more than anything I could cook for him, buy for him, or clean for him. Slowly, through the years, my love language has changed to be more like his. I still don't ask him to do a lot for me, but when I do ask 90% of the time it gets done...because he knows it is important to me and he wants me to be happy. Also, as I mentioned before, I am sincerely thankful and I let him know.

I realize that once you're years into the vicious cycle it is very hard to just stop and turn things around, but not impossible. It is something that goes through my mind 100 times a week...about how I did not view my husband as a human being anymore..I just saw him as something selfish and lazy. Being brought closer to God when things were horrible for us last fall, it really made me realize how TRULY wrong it was to not look at him as someone created by God. He was a child once...an infant...someone who came into this world exactly the same way I did, only he had a more chaotic childhood and now knows about his ADHD. I still get angry with him, he still hurts me sometimes, but the way I treated him horrifies me. Yes, he hurt me and left me feeling devastated and without hope many times...but TRULY being able to see how I contributed and how I hurt him as well has allowed me to be able to forgive him and wipe the slate clean and start over. I realize this was much easier because he is sorry too...and he is moving forward with me.

I think ADD does make things a little more complicated, especially in the area of communication. Just wondering how much of the rest of it might just be 'normal' on some level. Anyway, just gave me some food for thought...hoping it might help someone else.

 

 

Thanks for posting that

Thanks for posting that Sherri, it has definately given me some food for thought. My paetner has ADHD and we have 2 small children. He is untreated and I think we are at the start of a very long journey together and its so tough right now, sometimes I think I hate him. What you said about how you don't see the partner as human anymore really rang true for me and I have never thought of it like that before so thanks. I have treated him very badly and been treated badly, it feels impossible to know where to start with all this but I enjoyed reading your post, it gave me a little bit of hope.

The 5 Love Languages

I love this book. It has helped with my friendships, family relationships, and now my relationship with my boyfriend. I am lucky because my boyfriend likes giving quality time and is very affectionate. The problem is that he is sometimes needy. For instance, I grew up in a household where you didn't ask for help unless there was no way you could do it on your own. I remember being a kid and moving large pieces of furniture inch-by-inch, rather than asking for help. My boyfriend on the other hand, likes help with everything - mostly, because he just wants my company. This has sometimes been a strain on me. I just try to remember that I may have grown up a little extreme. I also, try to decide if his request is justified before I say yes or no to helping. Other than that our love languages match well, which I am grateful for. Thanks for posting about the book.