I used to be Brindle, and now I am brindle2. Or just "Brin." I had some email trouble and had to start again.
I've been reading old posts from various users for the last few days. It has been most therapeutic. Always is!
As a reminder, my husband has run the gamut on his reactions to ADHD. Said he would get evaluated, considered meds, decided against meds, forgot all about ADHD (as in actually forgot), rediscovered it (this happened several times and the cycle made me chuckle), declared his ADHD helps him, even seemed protective of it. And of course he was never evaluated. The subject hasn't come up in a long time. I don't even care to talk to him about it. Seen how useless it all is, so I just dropped it.
Our marriage is at a place that is pretty empty. I've been working on myself for awhile. I didn't fall into the stereotypical nonADHD spouse but inwardly I did carry a lot of anger, hurt, and frustration, not to mention burnout. So I began working on grieving many things - from individual memories to the big picture of what my marriage is. I worked at letting him go, so to speak. Just accepting who he is, without any expectations of change.
Now, somewhere in there, sprinkled over time were a few angry conversations where I told him that I have not felt loved for almost our entire marriage. Most of them faded from his memory pretty soon. He did finally seem to retain that info for awhile. One thing that has come out of all that is that he has realized he hasn't been a very good husband or father. He has mentioned it to me several times. He says he is trying to do better, and I do believe is trying, for I see little efforts here or there, but overall, nothing is really changing. Which only has solidified in my mind my need to accept that this unsatisfactory marriage is all I can expect from his corner.
I have no intentions of splitting up. I have several reasons to stay. Each are significant and deeply held reasons. So here I am. I have a lot more peace than before. Still very tired, but I'm making it. I am doing more and better for myself in several ways, too, so that helps. I do not feel angry anymore or bitter. I have far less sadness, too. Mostly now he annoys me with this or that, but it passes more quickly than ever before. So, progress!!
How is everyone else?