Hello and help... Non ADHD Partner.. I am SO tired

well... here I am.  And hello.   I need help, I need support... I am SO tired.   I've been married to an amazing man for 27 years.  ADHD has entered our marriage for the past 3.  Although it has been present always, we've just KNOWN about it for the past 3.  And in fairness my partner's symptoms while present and I can recall times it surfaced, it has only escalated in the past several years.   We have REALLY been on the struggle bus lately and we had a HUGE fight today and we are at the point where we need to start doing some serious work. So there's the landscape.  Here are my main issues:

clearing the path...to my detriment:  I KNOW i do things that are not helpful but sometimes are just easier if I just do them...  IF we had children I would have not been a helicopter parent, but a BULLDOZER one.  CLEAR THE PATH.   I do everything in my power to make my husband's life easier... as when his life is easier . so is mine.  But that has been at my expense.   I know that and I know that is not a good coping mechanism.   It is exhausting and it's set us up to fail.  While his life has as much ease as possible - mine is NOT easy.  I "do all the things" and I am exhausted.  

shove it down so I don't get a bad reaction:   if I say something or ask if something is going to be done or question an action or task... it is interpreted by my partner as criticism.   This one has become a HUGE deal.  I also realize this is why he has not stayed at a job in recent years very long.   He's NEVER happy and NEVER appreciated enough by an employer.   He has successfully run his own business for YEARS in the past, seemingly quite happily, but he is not good at taking direction.  Having said all that - what it causes me to do is NOT say anything.   so I don't set him off.   He reacts poorly and often hurts my feelings.   He does not intend to and I know that.  But it does.  he's not abusive.. he is just angry and very defensive and sees it as criticism and offers excuses or the good old "well, I just won't do it at all if I can't do it right" so I have been conditioned to just not say ANYTHING

What kind of mood are we in today:  cue the eggshells - my life is dictated by his mood.   So I am constantly on vigil.... that's not fair to me.

the other ADHD common issues, finances, time management mildly impact our relationship but not nearly to the extent as it does others.   these two are less common issues for us.  

I grew up in a family that fought all the time.   I think as a result of that I do the opposite and are COMPLETELY conflict avoidant. 

I have a counseling appointment next week - and I have asked that he see a counselor as well and he is open to doing the work .  He is on an anti depressant and while that has stabilized his high high and low lows... Im not sure the meds are truly helping his overall mental well being. 

I need support from people who "get it" - this is all so brand new to me, currently reading Dr. Orlovs book and probably will participate in the self study. I have also read ADHD & US as well as "Is it You, Me or Adult ADHD".  Truthfully BOTH of those books leave me feeling exhausted and slightly hopeless. 

thanks for the ear, getting it OUT sometimes helps... but I would appreciate any insight anyone can offer