help!

Hi I am not exactly sure what to say as I after reading the rules am unable to give out personal info. But I am in a real bind as my partner usually sees me on the computer and will be extremley unhappy if he sees me on an add website like this. If anyone is able to add me on facebook or myspace or even email it woul be a huge help as I feel so alone being a non adhd partner and too scared to even let my man know im asking for help cos he is sooooo defensive. maybe even if the moderator starts a adhd romancgroup on facebook or myspace? then I could just talk to you guys without being on this obvious site. I'm not trying to wreck the group or anything, maybe the moderator can start it and anyone comfortable revealing their identity can join in on facebook? please think about doing this as it will be so much easier to explain to him if he sees me talking on facebook than on adhd and marriage. By the way love your site, especially that care and feeding of non add spose post, it sounds exactly like a letter i wrote my mate last week except his add kept him from actually finishing reading the letter.

I have anAngry Husband too

I just found this site via links announcing the conference & then link from Sari Solden site. I am ADHD. My husband may be also. He HATES the time I spend on the computer. He is jealous and insidously implies that I have an on-line boyfriend. Actually, I had a 30 year career in computer industry. I deal with all my financial stuff on-line or in MS Word. Whenever we get into a heated argument, I retreat to my computer to avoid him. Then he gets apologetic and comes in every 15 minutes to interrupt me. He has a habit of coming up behind me (to look at screen) and puts his hands on my shoulders (even though I have asked him not to do that) So don't feel alone in the boat. Remember a gentle response wards off wrath. I read this in the Bible this morning.

I know

I understand completely what you are going through.  It can be so frustrating, my partner is ADD and they are currently trying to determine if there is comorbidity involved.  It seems that every little thing I say he takes to heart and examines his capability of being in a real relationship.  All he ever thinks is he's not good enough, then he gets frustrated with me and eventually angry.  Most of the time, I don't even know what's happened, it's like a complete sucker punch. 

I'm trying to read through all these posts to get some understanding.  It almost seems he does these things to undermine a good relationship because he doesn't think he deserves it.  It feels horrible, because I love him and want to work through it with him, but I don't know the right things to say at times.  I'm not sure from your experience, but I think I understand a lot of what you're going through.  It's forced me to deal with all my insecurities in order to force him to communicate more.  I also have to listen to all the negative comments he says even though I know in my heart he doesn't mean it, but the words he chooses can be so hurtful. 

This is so hard sometimes, and I wonder how people in these long term relationships deal with it?

Walking on egg shells too

I too walk on egg shells all the time.  My partner is like hot and cold.  One minute she can be the sweetest thing and the next she can be very irriated with me.  I seem to be able to annoy her by just breathing.  It's worse when we're in the house together.  If we're out and about where she's stimulated by something that interests her, all is well.  But if we're out doing something that she's not in to such as grocery shopping she can be very irritable.

 

If we're at the house she's usually doing something that interests her.  Sitting in front of her computer for hours is very common.  If I ask her to do something in the line of a chore she will get very grumpy.  As most non adhd'ers in these forums have stated, they usually do most if not all of the chores around the house.  I do them all, with the exception of her laundry. 

 

I struggle with the walking on egg shells thing.  I'm depressed by it.  I'm considering going back on anti-depressants just so I can numb my brain and lose my emotions once again.  I'm not able to talk to her about my feelings because when I do, one of two things will happen.  She'll take it as a joke and dismiss it or she'll feel hurt by it and become defensive and angry at me.

Eggshells

I know 100% exactly how you feel...

My husband is ADHD and I am constantly on a roller coaster and if I try to explain how I feel then I either get accused of being insensitive because HE is the one with the problem not me or he accuses me of "crying" about how hard my life is....I'm not crying, I just want some help around the house, some help with the kids and perhaps half the attention he gives his computer would be nice. I'm constantly being "punished" in various ways, my personal fav is he'll sleep on the couch and blame me for not caring about him or showing him attention. I think he does it because he feels sorry for himself when things don't go his way.

Does your wife spend outrageous;y as well...mine just lost his job Friday and went out and bought himself a new fancy moniter for his computer, $300 down  the drain that we don't have and we have bills to pay, the whole absence of any sort of Rationale is very hard for me to grasp.. Its SOOOOOO frustrating. I just don't know what to do and frankly am sick and tired of feeling sad, lonely and depressed becuase HE has a problem. I used to be a very happy,out going and vivacious woman and now I'm just empty... :(

comunication

1 1/2 years ago I became engaged to a long distance truck driver. We talked a whole lot on the phone. He seemed to have many of the same interests as I have. Of course he lived in another state and I could not verify what he said by what he actually did. When I did question his follow through I was always told that if would be fine when we were married and in the same state. Well, I left my family, left my home (new and pretty), left my friends, my church, my ... to move to his home because his daughter was only 8 and we could be in the same town with her. This is a town of 400 people in the middle of nowhere (3 1/2 hours from any kind of city), and his daughter only spends maybe 4 days a month with us. He is a delivery driver for 14 bucks an hour (at 37 years old) and that "is a damned good job for around here", he sleeps like a small child, all over the place so I can't sleep, he talks like a small child, referring to the cats as "itties" he has trouble with gambling so he owes 15K on that debt, he didn't like my managing the money and opened his own checking account. Of course, I was still to pay all of the bills -with whatever he didn't spend elsewhere -out of the joint account from my check. He won't show my his pay stubs, he works from 6 am to 8 pm on many days but says he only makes 1500 a month (a blatant lie), he won't take care of his personal hygiene, let alone take care of anything else in our lives. I have no trust in him for anything anymore and he yells at me that there is just no way to please me so why should he even try. I just wanna go get my house out of foreclosure and go home! At least all my wiring and plumbing works. There is nowhere to go for help, as I am not a part of the dominant religion in this area I am limited even further from having any friends. His house is a pile of crap. One window was broken and duct taped 8 years ago and he feels no need to fix it. The washer drains onto the driveway and in order to be able to use it there is a big black plastic pipe that runs past the back door (have to step over it to go through) to the middle of the back yard. This place is a mess and as it is barely 800 square feet for the 4 of us (including my 18 year old son) and all of our pets (3 dogs and 2 kittens) plus all of his chaotic crap! This alone would be a bit hard for me, but what really kills me is that he is dyslexic and so reading or list-making doesn't work. He misunderstands, radically, everything I say. When someone else asked if my car was unlocked I responded with "I think so" he began tripping all over himself and me to go be the hero and unlock the car, nearly knocking me over for my keys. I asked him what he was doing and why he was grabbing the keys out of my hand only to have him say that he was going to go unlock the car. I repeated the conversation verbatim and found that what he heard was I DON'T think so. Are there often receptive/expressive language disabilities that often occur with ADD? He also had infantile epilepsy and took phenobarbitol (as far as he can tell) until he was 5, so the idea of a language processing disorder is not as far fetched as it might otherwise sound. Even for a man with ADD he is beyond immature, and yes I have plenty of ground for comparison as a special ed teacher for over a decade. I feel like I am becoming the biggest witch on the planet and most of the time I just want to go home. I have decided to tackle the language issue first because there is no way we can get to anything else until we can actually communicate with out his only response being "I don't know". I realize that sounds like an exaggeration but literally that is his only response to every question. There is no relationship at this point, he is just another chore every day. There is NO communication, no help or support, no sex, nothing but me taking care of him and his house and his daugher (who spends time with me because he is so slow at work he can't be home in time to spend time with her himself) OK that is enough of a rant., I think in part it is just such a relief to be able to say these things and someone will understand what I mean. Thank you all for any info you can give me on the language thing,

With Trucker

Are you married now, or still just engaged?  I ask this, because it makes a difference in terms of your financial situation.  If you are not currently married, don't get married until you know that he is debt free and can stay that way.  You don't need to also take on his debt (too many horror stories on this site about people with ADD having financial problems to knowingly walk into one).

I don't understand why you don't just leave.  You sound as if you are getting nothing out of this relationship.  Even if your home is in foreclosure, couldn't you rent a room or garage (with heat!) from a friend in your old town?  Find a job with all the extra time you have when you aren't taking care of your fiance?

My view is this - he promised you that things "would be different" when you moved...yet has proven that they are not.  Not only that, but has shown that they are significantly worse than what you might have guessed.  I see no real reason, at least from what you have written, for staying in this relationship.  And I see a good reason not to (aside from the lying, cheating, anger, financial burden, bad feelings and stress)  Your son will most likely benefit from seeing that his mother is strong enough to walk away from an injurious relationship and that may give him the strength to do the same at some point in a future relationship if he needs to do so.

I have to imagine that your son also isn't very happy in the situation, so you would be doing him a favor right away, too.  (Unless I'm guessing he's wrong and he's actually very happy....)  And, at 18, he's old enough to also help with the expenses if the two of you need it temporarily to stay afloat.  Don't pull him out of school to get a job, but some part-time work might help a bit.

As for the speech and listening issues - I believe that would depend upon your fiance's specific issues and medical history.  His doctor would be the best person to answer those questions.

Good luck with it.  But please, talk with some of your old friends, perhaps an old minister or pastor whom you trust, and start to get some feedback on other options.  The road you are on right now sounds like a complete dead end.

 

Yippee-I-O we are married. I

Yippee-I-O we are married. I just keep going back to your comments on how I should just make my life something that makes me happy and not focus on his behavior. Problem is, he moved me to the middle of nowhere. There really is NOTHING here. I live in a town of 400 people, where everyone is related, and his ex-wife is one of the relateds. I can drive the 30 or more miles to "town" the big city of 5000 for these parts but even at that there is really not much going on. It is still a small town and the dominant religion of the area colors everything. I of course am not of the dominant religion so I don't have that aspect to fall back on either. I spend alot of time sitting in my bed reading. Of course I hate the bedroom as it is a windowless box and I don't do well without sunlight, but it is the only area where I can control the overwhelming input of chaos and noise. He of course then wants to be there, he stands over me alot or feels he has to be involved in my every conversation. The neediness is stifling. When he decides that he want to sleep he huffs and has fits because I won't turn off the light. I feel like I am trying to drag a 6 year old into adulthood. In fact it was one of his former co-workers who called him a giant 6 year old (he is a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier than I am). Not too many people around here have anything positive to say about him. When they heard he was married they were all absolutely astounded that I seemed so 'normal'. The pastor for our tiny church said he wished he could have talked to me before we were married, he and his wife would have encouraged me to reconsider...heavily. I think I will go this week and see if I can get some anti-depressants just so that I can stabilize my moods enough to do something else. I have a hard time not crying constantly. The strange (and yet not) thing is that I get all tensed up just waiting for him to haul off and hit me. I also wonder if I am provoking him to just hit me and get it over with. What a sick dynamic this has become. I would look for a therapist but it would be at least a 3 hour drive to find someone who understands the issues, and in winter that could be deadly. Our medical care in this remote place seems to be a bit dodgy, and I am not sure I would trust there to be any confidentiality. Feeling hopeless and hoping happy pills will help.

Consider long-distance therapy

Can you afford long-distance therapy?  Not the same thing as sitting in a room with someone, but on the other hand, better than setting yourself up for conflict that ends in abuse.  Dr. Hallowell does make phone appointments (try his MA office at 978-287-0810) in certain instances, and I suspect others do, too.  Also, I know that some coaches work by phone, as well.  Discouraging to have everyone telling you your husband's a dud just after you've married him...hope that it just means they don't understand him.

Try to view his hovering as "interest", and see if you can keep it from it being a form of control, I guess.  Sounds as if the anti-depressants my help you, as they did me for a period of time when things were hard.  No shame there.

Good luck and stay in touch.