I learned my wife had adhd 2 years ago but was ignorant in how at actually attributed to our relationship and who she was as a whole. She went on medication and I waived it off as something she can change if she worked at it hard enough. I also did not yet contribute the adhd to the the textbook struggles we were having that every adhd couple seems to have I’m learning. I did not educate myself enough on adult adhd and attributed the things I saw wrong as character flaws that could be changed. I experience the hyper focus on us and me in the first parts of our marriage and is part of the reason I so quickly wanted to spend the rest of my life with one of the most caring women I have ever met. That feeling lasted a few years and maybe less if I’m being honest. We have been married ten years and after finding ourselves in a dark place and not helped through couples counseling I began researching more into our the issues we both were contributing to in our marriage. I became so run down lost so much patience and felt so heavy from all the responsibility I put on myself we morphed into the parent child relationship. Adding more responsibility as we got married had a child and she went to school full time our relationship got worse and worse. She was able to handle less and less and I absorbed more and more. The worst however came after she graduated and I expected her to finally focus on me and the family and the shared responsibilities of life. When nothing changed and from my perspective she was still incapable of growth and change I continued and more rapidly continued to grow into someone I don’t want to be angry, pessimistic and verbally abusive towards my wife. She too lost her patience with me seeing me as nagging, needy never satisfied and as much as it took me months to admit it verbally abusive. Something clicked to look more into adhd. After reading adhd marriage books educating my self alone and with her at the realities of an adhd marriage I am beginning to learn to separate the adhd from her and not deny it’s impact on her and us as a family. The problem is after beginning to see an idea of the best case scenario with our relationship I’m not sure it’s something I want to be a part of. On some level I fear I will always be a caretaker no matter how much symptoms are managed. I love her very much i don’t want to hurt her. I love our son very much I don’t want to our son to experience a broken home... this however is not the mutual partnership I believed I was signing up for. This eye openening education on adult adhd has allowed me to be accepting my wife has real struggles and even if she wants to change she may never. I fear I may actually want out more now that I understand it better. Deep down i believe separating may actually be the healthiest thing for the both of us. I understand this sounds selfish but I just feel I have left all of my effort on the table over the past ten years and I have nothing left to give. But I’m not sure how to move forward. Please help