Hi,
my partner and I have been together for 3 years, we have been through meth addiction (him) and come out the other side in the beginning, it was about 12 months ago I was still having issues with him saying things and not doing them and some were little and some were big, I was constantly feeling not respected, loved etc. I was speaking to his mother one day telling her all my woes when she blurted " maybe he is ADHD" this didn't mean much to me at the time, however I went away and did some googling, and read stories that sounded so much like my life, I sent some of the links to my partner and be too recognised these things in himself, he was amazed.
this is where I made my biggest mistake, I didn't push him to see a doctor and get a real diagnosis and treatment, and here I am after 10 great months, having just found out a few days ago, that he took $6500 out of our loan account for renovations for cocaine, he works away 8 weeks on 4 off, this is why I didn't notice, he was away, he was faced with no job, and some where in his disfunctional brain he decided taking cocaine would help him perform better and secure a new contract, but it obviously got out of control.
I didnt notice the money, as sadly for me 3 weeks prior to him using, he proposed to me, and financed the ring, I asked him to pay it off from the loan account so there was only one debt, and that's why he was able to go 8 weeks with out me noticing, it was only that my intuition told me I needed to look at the accounts that I noticed.
now I am a mess and he's having a pity party.
he is aware he needs help and I am going to make sure he sees a doctor and gets a refferal to a psyc.
i guess what I want to know is if mesdicated, he can't have stimulant meds, he has a heart condition and clearly sufferers with drugs use problems, but I am wondering how much the medication actually helps?
Will I always feel like he is emotionally retarded? Will I have to live my life always feeling like I am on edge, and expecting to be disappointed?
I accept that he may have this and things will never be 'perfect'
but just silly stuff like rushing to buy me gifts that I hate and having to pretend to like them? The broken promises and tendency to lies, does it ever get better or can I expect my life to be a constant battle?
Needless to say the lies about drugs and the money going toward my ring, I have taken the ring off and no longer can look at it, as it just is a big fat drug,lie horrid thing to me now.
these are all things he doesn't seem to 'get' how now that ring is just horrible to me cause he used it as a lie!
More than frustrated, any advice, info appreciated.
The broken promises and tendency to lies, does it ever get bette
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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The broken promises and tendency to lies, does it ever get better or can I expect my life to be a constant battle?
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NO, it doesn't get better....it gets WORSE!
Really?
Submitted by Anemptyshell on
Even with medication and therapy etc? It doesn't change at all??
to be honest? no.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Therapy and meds aren't some cure, and they often don't make things better.
Typically these people get worse, much worse, for a variety of reasons:
1) They don't continue therapy (takes too much time, costs too much money, they don't like hearing what the therapist says).
2) They don't take their meds (too expensive, won't go regularly to the doctor for Rx renewals, don't like how they feel when taking meds, etc)
3) They usually aren't honest with their therapists, so the T can't really treat them or diagnose them. My H has gone to therapists for nearly 25 years. Luckily we have a high income and excellent insurance that pays for this. However, H has repeatedly changed his therapists as soon as they start seeing the "real him". Or the therapists "fire H" because they find out that he's been lying to them.
He hasn't either been honest or stayed with any of them really long enough to get a proper Dx. He went to one for over 5 years....a total waste.....lied about EVERYTHING....and he and his T just spent their time chatting about sports. The T was essentially stealing, while H was enjoying pretending that he was normal
Sounds horrible
Submitted by Anemptyshell on
well, that all doesn't sound great at all, money isn't s big dilemma for us either we both have good jobs.
I have a little more faith at the moment in the sense where my partner hates the way he feels now, he wants the help, I am worried about meds making him feel horrible, but I think medication is only 1/10 of the solution anyway, so I'm looking into neuro feed back, diet etc as I believe diet is a huge thing, hence the prevalence of ADHD in western culture, all those numbers and chemicals aren't healthy for any one!
my partner works away also so we get a good 'break' from each other which I think helps in a relationship with the ADHD, I don't have to deal with it constantly every day, we both get time apart to recharge and we miss each other and spend a lot of time doing things together when he is home.
its only every now and then he sort of stuffs up, it's just when he does it's absolutely phenomenal, that's what I am hoping to get help with. There are small nuances that I struggle with at times, but lying is one thing that drives me nuts, so I think some CBT would be good for that.
cross fingers and see.
he's willing to put in the effort to keep his family so that helps I guess.
One reason things get worse...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
As the relationship goes on, more baggage accumulates. Those who suffer with ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc, tend to "never get over" their perceived slights. And, their perceived slights are often WRONG. So, early in a relationship, there aren't that many perceived slights because you don't yet have a lot of baggage. But as time goes on, your partner will have a long list of (wrong) slights against you. For instance, if you got upset that your partner spent the rent on a new "toy", instead of the spender being wrong, YOU are the one who becomes "wrong" because you made him/her "feel bad".....and to them, that is WORSE than their spending the rent money on a luxury item. And now your landlord evicts you, but you're the bad guy in your partner's eyes. lol Seriously, it can get that insane....on a regular basis.
Even if it's not a money issue, it will be other things. My H often breaks things because he's careless. He broke my brand new iPad (less than a week old) by being careless. I became the bad guy because "I made him feel bad." Did I yell at him? No. Was I upset? Yes. Was he careless? Yes...he put it on top of a bunch of things he was carrying and it fell off. He shouldn't have even been carrying it. $600 down the drain. Did he offer to buy me a new one? No....because he said, "Since you made me feel bad, I'm not buying you another one." Thank goodness I can buy my own thank you very much. But, the issue really is....they won't accept responsibility for their mistakes and poor judgement.
After you've been together for a good bit, your partner will have twisted the history of events. At some point, he may even deny that he ever spent that money on cocaine. He may even claim that you took that money. Or he may claim that you told him it was ok. Seriously, as time goes on, the story will change in a way that makes him "look better."
A friend of mine was having her home remodeled about 10 years ago. They took out a home equity loan of $75k to pay for it. The contractor would periodically ask for money for this or that, and she'd give him $3k or $5k or XX....as needed. She was VERY careful not to give the contractor too much at a time for accountability. Then my friend was hospitalized for a few weeks for pregnancy issues. The contractor realized that the H wasn't really paying attention (ADHD/anxiety), so he asked her H for much bigger sums of money within a short time. Then the contractor "disappeared" and never came back. Friend's H had given him $50k.
This put them in a horrible position. They had to borrow a lot more to finish their home, and paying back the add'l debt was very difficult.
After a few years, the H has changed the story to make himself much less guilty. He is now claiming that he was checking with her first before handing over the money.....not true. This sort of thing happens.
This cycle goes on and on and on.
Oh really? Is that all
Submitted by Anemptyshell on
Oh really? Is that all untreated ADHD? Or that's fully treated??
my partner doesn't suffer with depression I don't think, he gets in low moods at work and that's when he's likely to drink and stupid stuff like that. We already have a lot of baggage to be honest and he'd improved so much over the last 11 months until this incidence. I mean he wasn't 'perfect' but no one is, there were small things that still hung around, which I think you'd have to expect.
Again though my patten works 8 weeks on and 4 off so I only see him 4 months a year, and I've said I think he would drive me crazy if he was home everyday..
I already have an 11 year old from a previous relationship, and I think I'm quite happy to not have more children, I don't think I could because I don't think he could handle the pressure.
are all the cases of ADHD you've dealt/seen only been diagnosed in adulthood? As I have a friend I went to school with that had ADHD terribly but he was treated then and now seems totally fine! They say only 1 in 20 carry it through to adulthood, so perhaps the key is treating it in children?
im going to look into neuro feedback, if that helps that would be good as they don't have to actually do anything other than sit there!
i don't expect a miraculous anything there is no cure, but I hope focusing on the 'bigger' issues and just trying to work through those will improve.
only time will tell, he's away at the moment, and not due back til the end of November. He is doing well at work, he actually told a few of the guys he works with what is going on so he has some support there which is good, I'm quite proud of that, he'd never normally disclose anything that makes him look bad, but he knew it would be best too this time, so small steps, he's quite willing to try and I can't ask for more than that!
Things change... But yet they
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
Things change... But yet they always stay the same...
My husband had a similar problem... Long underlying drug problem compounded by adhd, anxiety and depression... He's finally clean but that doesnt mean he still doesnt crave getting high or have an attitude or mentality of an addict... He is incapable of saving money or planning for the future... So that is really my role...
Now we are trying to overcome the battle of adhd and the fact that he lost his job and can't find a new one... He's incredibly smart, college educated, yet completely unfocused and without drive to do something... I think he has gotten so discouraged and scared to get out there, he has some kind of mental block now...
All i can say is we just got married 2 years ago and i expected things to be very different... In fact while some things improved dramatically, others got worse... And im not sure what my future holds... It scares me because i never wanted to live like this and im still not sure i can...but for now im trying to stay positive, be supportive and encourage him.