My husband has severe ADHD. While this makes him the "fun outgoing one" it is the most frustrating thing to me and is only seeming to get worse. The "drop and go" messy, unorganized way he is, the leaves cabinets and drawers open, zones out on computer games is SO frustrating but safety issues are now the biggest problem. We have twin 4 year olds and my son is on the autism spectrum, sensory seeking, and no safety awareness. I have told my SO countless times he has to keep things picked up like we have an infant that can climb anything because our son will put everything in his mouth and will take anything off of a counter. It is so stressful and frustrating that I can't rely on him to do this. I can never relax or trust him alone with the twins and do "sweeps" of my house every night and morning before I leave. Yesterday he left a pair of sharp scissors on our nightstand and I asked him to put them away before he got in bed....after a reminder when he was getting in bed...he takes them to the kitchen and just lays them down on top of a toy my son plays with! I wouldn't have know if I didn't get up after him to check....I'm so tired of being so stressed out and feeling like I'm married to a child at times. The doors get left open (my son is a runner), stove gets left on, scissors and knives on the counter....When I complain and really try to do it nicely he tells me to go take some alone time and go work out, etc. but doesn't understand I can't relax leaving them with him! He wont take medicine because he says it changes his personality too much to be good at his job and turns it around on me when I tell him I can't keep living like this. Any advice on what to do????
Help with ADHD and safety!
Submitted by Csno on 01/27/2017.
Just a few thoughts...
Submitted by c ur self on
Do you, or have you,though about gating the kids into certain rooms for their own protection?...Say the living room... (no free range is better than tragedy)....Also, it sounds like to me it would be nice if you and your spouse had a third party (Counselor) to help w/ communication skills, especially in this area....In my experience it's basically impossible for a husband or wife to take counseling (nice word for it) from their spouse...He obviously isn't seeing things as you do...So a nice non-threating environment may help....
He is probably just hearing nagging...And even though you are trying to bring awareness about a real life dangerous issue, based on your post he isn't as alarmed about it as you...So about the only positive thing you have going for you is the mindfulness of the issue and being a good example for him see...
What you are doing running behind him is obviously taking it's toll on you, so I would try the counselor...
I hope you guys can find a solution....
C
Two Competing Issues ADHD vs 4 Year Olds w/Autism
Submitted by kellyj on
Cnso,
Since I'm the one with ADHD....and I have trouble with too many things happening at once....I'll take what you said, and break it down for you piece by piece so I can speak to these things separately before I say what my thoughts are on this?
First you said something that is the easiest one to address first. I have told my SO countless times he has to keep things picked up like we have an infant that can climb anything because our son will put everything in his mouth and will take anything off of a counter.
Fundamentally speaking....you are basically telling...not asking...for your SO...."not to have ADHD" since all of these things you are telling him not to do...are related directly to the things you don't want for you kids sake....but it's not possible for your SO to do? It is the equivalent of saying "Don't have ADHD!!".........repeatedly as you said .."I have told my SO countless times....." and thinking or believing that this is all you'd have to tell someone with ADHD...to basically "STOP...having the very symptoms of what ADHD is all about which is all about setting things down, leaving things on or open and basically everything you just said that your SO does that creates a safety hazard for your kids?
So first off...your expectations are not possible in the first place....in that, to learn how to STOP doing the things you want in the immediate for the concern of your kids....can't happen without a lot of learning and getting the skills needed over time to reduce these things down to a manageable level....and even then, 100% compliance cannot be guaranteed? And since you need 100% compliance in the immediate....that simplifies this immensely because what you want and need from him right now is not even possible? So you can take that one...right off the table and move on to what is possible now? I might add into it.....that the stress and anxiety of even trying to attempt this by your SO....is probably what is making it worse and increasing his stress and anxiety level which is actually causing his decline in performance in these areas? The more stress and internal pressure that is created by a demand that is not possible...will only create a downward spiral of repeated failure which only begets more of the same...and gets worse not better over time? So this avenue...is the wrong road or avenue to be taking and why this won't work? Moving on to what is possible..........
I would say the first thing you should do is find something that will work for now...to reduce your stress and frustration since that is what you are reporting as the problem for you? And since plan A...isn't working.....time to find a plan B that will? No sense in beating your head against the wall repeatedly...and only making things worse for both of you? You're already way past the point of diminishing returns which you clearly noted by the increase of his failure rate...along with the increase in your frustration and stress and anxiety....for both of you more to the point?
C's ideas are good start about keeping the kids out of harms way..and just predicting your SO will do these things. If you use that as what you will expect ...now you can work around these things yourself..and not expect your SO....to suddenly not have ADHD because you need him not to for your kids safety which clearly isn't working?
Here are some things that I have done ( for myself since I don't trust myself because...I know I am likely to fail at the worst time or the worst moment possible and I can't afford to fail even once. For example with me...allowing my dogs to get out..and get hit by a car? I've had one dog hit by a car in the past....but in my case ( thankfully ) it wasn't on my watch that time but it could have been just as easily....so I am not using that as an excuse to why I should not proceed accordingly anyway? The fact...that my dog got hit and killed by a car...is the only thing relevant here?
To ensure my own success rate to the point of 100% compliance in these areas:
1) Installed automatic door closing devises on all relevant doors in the house. There are a number of products available out there for door closing....but I chose the commercial type you find in institutions like schools and business since they are strong and reliable and infinitely adjustable and never wear out? The residential or as I seem to find...kind of wimpy residential product you find at a Home Depot or a Target for example....are not nearly as universally adaptable to a wide range of needs and really don;t work very well sometimes in my opinion...so I go directly to the source for commercial products for office buildings and the like...which are made for long time heavy use under more extreme usage and can be counted on to work every time for a very long time without incident or maintenance? Sometimes...in fact most of the time....you set them once and forget about them virtually forever and never have to think about them again for the rest of your life under normal household use? I've found it's a false economy...to spend with your wallet..and not pony up the extra bucks ONE time...instead of buy the thing ( what ever ) several times starting with the cheap model because it's "cheap"...only to buy it again and again...or find that you end up buy the better one that cost more...and buying that thing now.....3 or 4 times...just to end up buy the right one the first time? When you do the math that way....it's easy to justify spending twice as much once...than spending 1/2 the price...3 or 4 times to finally get it right?
There are industries like chemical labs or situations where things can never go wrong or are for the very reason you are wanting these things for...that you won;t find in stores because mostly under normal circumstance....most people don't have a need for them or the stores who might sell them.....cannot afford to stock them just for a few people to buy? There are web sites devoted to these kind of gadgets...that are specifically designed to do the very things you are looking to do? Door and drawer closing devises...that automatically return the opening to it's original position without having to remember to do it...for safety concerns?
I've also found as a side benefit....that it's actually really a great convenience for no other reason? It's nice to just walk through a door..and never have to worry that it will be closed every time? So in respect to the gadget you buy......you putting your faith and trust in the gadget...not your SO? Which is why...it's worth spending the money on a good one. I tend to build and design things ....somewhat over kill for this very reason alone?
A good example is the hoist system I built for lifting ( very heavy objects ) in my shop? I calculated the most I might lift...at any given time..and then went to the structural chart and to how big a beam I would need to hold that weight capacity? I figured 1000 lbs...even thought the heaviest item I could think of was only 750 lbs? The beam I ended up getting ( on Craigslist ) pulled from a Warehouse facility....will support 5,500 lbs rated....which means that isn't even the point that the beam would actually break? That the accepted maximum...which means to actually fail...might be 1/2 again as much added to it? And then the trolley and hoist I put on the steel beam was rated at 2 tons or 4000 lbs? As a rule...if you take the max weight for example...lifted over your head...you want to double that amount and still be less than the total lifting capacity of the hoist and trolley. 3 X 750 = 2250 lbs...and 2 X 750 = 1500 lbs which is well under the total of either the beam or the hoist system?
And just to show you why this is a good idea? I ended up buying a lathe....that needed to be lifted off the truck it was delivered in..and the lathe weighed 4,000 lbs by itself...and I ended up lifting it off the truck as a one time use...and the entire system not only worked without a problem...but it proved that it could have been even more than I calculated...if I really had to? 4,000 lbs....from ....750 lbs originally etimated for....didn't put any kind of stress or signs of failure and was rock solid and didn't budge an inch?
Over kill....is always good for exactly the same reason? You never know what you will be presented with or can predict this ahead of time...and people tend to underestimate...not overestimate and a rule of human behavior in things like this? Better safe...than sorry...I always say? But more importantly in just this one example in my shop? I will never have to worry about the system failing...and I already tested it to it's limits and it came through with flying colors? I probably will never need to lift anything like that again...but even if I do...I will not have to think twice or worry that it will fail when put to the test? Ever?
Which is why I was saying to buy commercial products...not only because of your kids...but for your SO and his ADHD? Your kids will get older and grow out of the need for this after a certain time...so that might cause you to think in terms that way and cobble some Rube Goldberg contraption or temporary fix for their sake? As far as ADHD is concerned...there is no "temporary". Improvements over time and learning is permanent up to a point...but if you want a permanent "fix" which you never have to worry about again?
My advise...which I have done myself and is proven to work...... is a permanent solution you buy once, install once...and never have to think about or worry about...ever again? When ever and where ever that is possible? Some of the things like laying scissors' down...you can't buy a gadget for? But for everything you can...you just knocked those items off the list for good...which only leaves a couple of things to think about...which is much easier to do without all the other ones you fixed in this way...which amounts to less stress, more success...and everyone is happier...from a weekend of going through the house...and ADHD proofing it once and for all? One time and never having to worry or think about it again? You can't control your SO...or your kids....but you can control a fixed object you buy...that is guaranteed to work which does the job for you?
Work smarter not harder....I always say?
https://youtu.be/wmwY83RsSwM?list=UUorqsDwnrlEQh1RxYSZAkaQ
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