Hi Everybody,
First of all, let me say thank you for being here. This forum is a life line that validates so much of my daily experience. I am non-ADHD and recently got married - my husband was diagnosed about a month after our wedding day, but he had already taken a psych test that strongly indicated he had ADHD about a month before the wedding. We've been together several years and, looking back, ADHD behaviours have been at the centre of most of our arguments - he could be forgetful, irresponsible, impulsive, rude/inappropriate and most of all come across as selfish because he would simply forget things I said and fail to fulfil promises time and time again. Wedding planning really pushed our relationship to the absolute brink it was the first time I realised that he couldn't do very simple tasks that anybody should be able to do (especially someone of his education). I started to suspect something was wrong because we would agree certain wedding-planning tasks together and split them between us then, weeks later, it would be like he didn't even remember we were planning a wedding.
Long story short, he was diagnosed and went on medication. The first few weeks of him on medication were GLORIOUS - he was listening to me, following up on things we had agreed and being attentive. He was also doing better at his work. I felt like the medication had quietened the ADHD symptoms and allowed his true self - the person I had fallen in love with and still wanted to marry despite all our problems - to shine through. I breathed a sigh of relief.
Then, overnight it was like the meds just....STOPPED. Now, three months into him being on medication he has rebounded BIG TIME, he has quickly slipped right back to old habits. When I ask him to do something or tell him something important it goes in one ear and out the other, he has even started falling behind on work again and the few good organisational habits he started in the first few magical weeks of medication have disappeared. The worst part is that he simply does not LISTEN. I try to communicate with him but I think his mind just wanders off, he doesn't take in what I'm saying and/or immediately forgets it once I'm out of his eye line.
What's going on? Has anybody experienced this? I know he's taking the meds, is it truly possible they have just stopped working overnight?
This time it hurts even more because I remember how amazing it was when the meds were working. We were both so happy but it feels like it's all been ripped away. Today, after a screaming match argument, I'm just feeling hopeless....any advice?
Magic Magician, been there, sounds like meds.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hi, I have to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. NO ONE knows what it's like to live with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, unless you've BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. It's very, very HARD, even after it IS diagnosed...AND NO ONE KNOWS WHAT ITS LIKE.. You feel lost, and unloved and especially UNHEARD....because they don't LISTEN to the people they "say" they love the most. The person who HAS it, has to WANT to live a better life, but they've usually lived for SO long, thr way they ARE, they've just adjusted to that, and don't search out anything better.
I KNOW it's distraction, but when they're on medication, it should be different. IT'S NOT!!. there are many times my husband forgets his pills, and the entire day is shot. He is "off the rails, and can't concentrate, and I have felt lonely so much, it's as if I never GOT married. There's no real "PARTNERSHIP" going on, just a type of friendship. We've been two people living in a house, both doing separate things, and rarely doing anything TOGETHER. If we DO, it has to be what He wants, And NOT WHAT I WANT, because he couldn't handle what I wanted to do.
He's retiring soon, and now wants to be more "husband like, and do things for me" but, I have a HARD TIME with this now, after 40 years of being ignored in so many ways. It hardened me in a way I've never been hardened......EVER. I actually "fell in love" with him, and he said he was "in love" with me also, but he DIDN'T actually FALL "in love" with me. He cared about me, but the "love" part just wasn't there. He cared about me, but there was no DEEP LOVE for me, or selfless giving of himself. Our entire lives have been "I have to WORK", which He has said to me every SINGLE DAY FOR OVER 40 YEARS.so sick of hearing it, I WANT TO SCREAM BLOODY HECK . He went to college for 7 years straight, right out of high school, and STILL didn't know what to DO, as a profession. THAT, had to have something to do with the Adhd. He was a straight A student, all through school and college, with high honors, Magna Cum Laude. Still didn't know what to do, and freaked OUT, when he had to actually "get a job", and start teaching. He was alike a lunatic for several years, because he HATED teaching, but he didn't know what ELSE to do, and COULDN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE. But, he was actually a.good teacher, and did it well. He just couldn't handle getting organized. He could work, but couldn't be a husband and father, at the same time. It was one or the other, and terribly frustrating for me. Anyway, I don't mean to go on and on like this.......
I do believe your husband may not be being honest about taking the medications EVERY SINGLE DAY. THEY CAN NOT SKIP DAYS. Adhd folks think they "feel better, and then stop taking the pills and then wonder why life gets harder, and things start getting crazy again. They MUST TAKE the pills every single day, and not miss any days. It doesn't WORK, like having a cold or allergies, this condition IS VERY DIFFERENT AND NEEDS THE PILLS TO keep their bodies in balance with the adhd.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling, just feeling a little frustrated today. I hope things go well for you and your husband.
Thank you for this. Just
Submitted by TheMaskedMagician on
Thank you for this. Just knowing that others have been through similar gives me such comfort! Sometimes I think I'm going mad so it's so important to realise that what I feel is truly happening. We are going to look into his medication - perhaps dose needs adjusting, will seek the Dr's advice
Feeling your pain both of you
Submitted by Elsa on
Hello to you both, someone else here who completely understands and feels the pain you are going through and I also feel that only the kind people here understands what life is like living with an ADHD partner , I do not know anyone in my life that is going through this to talk to, do not get me wrong I have a group of people that love me and listen but how can anyone really get the exhausting relentless destruction of your lives that untreated ADHD brings .
Magician I am glad you got your husband to take the medication but I agree Dedelightful that he is probably not taking it at all or regularly, if he is anything like my partner he has to be constantly reminded to take cold meds or back pain meds, over and over again even though he might be in pain or suffering and moaning about it the connection to maybe I should take the medication to help myself is missing . I do not know about you guys but I find my partner , despite ,like yours being an educated and intelligent man, has no concept of cause and effect or consequences ,seems to be a missing link in the ADHD brain . At times he can be so oblivious or obtuse to what might happen that my jaw literally drops watching him .
I too am at my wits end ,I like a lot here feel very lonely in my relationship, if I knew then (when I committed to him ) what I know now I would never have stayed . My partners daughter has ADHD also but she is so much more aware of how it impacts her life but recently we met her new boyfriend and he asked me if I had the same problem with distraction he was having already (3mths in ) , I smiled and tried to move the subject on because to really say what I wanted would cause so much trouble. What I wanted to say was run now very fast from this relationship and do not look back , get out and save yourself whilst you can . How sad is that ? But being honest isn't that what most of us would say , if we could save just one person from going through this hell ?
I hope Magician you can get your husband to sort out his medication , I am sorry I can not offer any advice about it particularly but I have no experience, my partner will not entertain the idea of medication. He loves to tell people he has ADHD but does zero to help himself or our relationship. His zero to 100 temper is one of the worst aspects , today I had to lock myself in my car whilst he screamed at me and banged on the windows , I drove off in the end with him slamming his hand on the car as I left , terrifying our dog in the back . So it is Valentine's Day evening and the partner I sacrificed so much for is no where to be seen, no flowers or card, I am lonely, scared, feel like ADHD has destroyed my life and aged me and only hope some people who come here ,realise before it is too late and leave, if their partner does not take ownership of their problem.
As I read in Driven to distraction , ADHD is not a problem of not knowing what to do but actually doing what you know you need to , this seems to be very pertinent with your partner really being onboard with medication .
Best wishes and love to you both from someone who gets it !
The biggest problem with ADHD treatment is ADHD
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
No matter how successful you are at helping your ADHD partner to find the best ADHD psychiatrist and work through the trials and error of evaluating the correct medications and the correct dosages, your eternal fundamental problem is that your partner has ADHD. He/She 'needs to take responsibility' to manage their symptoms to achieve the most consistent improvement. But if they are inconsistent (i.e. Hyperfocus dissipates) the improvement House of Cards blows away (again) in the face of the recurring reality of ADHD symptoms. And you start again.
the biggest problem is your
Submitted by ADHDman223 on
the biggest problem is your trying to force them into someone theyre not like k they will always have adhd but your comment is saying they should mask their adhd
You’re
Submitted by sickandtired on
You’re incorrectly reading things into what we are saying. Will It Get Better never said anything about “masking” one’s ADHD.
i also read your history of
Submitted by ADHDman223 on
i also read your history of saying that people with adhd cant change like wtf
WOW.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
This sounds an awful lot like something SamBam would have posted, just saying. (Right down to the spelling errors.)
Typical.
Another person who doesn't have a clue...
its kind of said you want to
Submitted by ADHDman223 on
its kind of said you want to telll your daugter partner to leave her because se he has adhd
I can empathise with what you
Submitted by mutedsonos on
I can empathise with what you say.... My husband's Dr. changed his medication about 7 months ago and to start with it was amazing; he was able to stop smoking, stopped drinking caffeinated coffee (made his anxiety worse), and was able to stop biting his nails (anxiety) all within about a month of the new meds. It was like he was a changed man.
Within the last 3-4 months it's like he completely reverted - he's back drinking too much coffee, knowing full well it makes him anxious, his nails are bitten also down to the bone and he's increasingly irritable and most conversations end in arguments, irrespective of how petty they are to start with.
It's so disheartening and frustrating as I feel I have to walk on eggshells around him to not trigger another argument and I simply just want some positive consistency from our relationship. Without this, I don't see us making it to our 4th wedding anniversary as it's slowly making me feel more and more miserable.
I do want our marriage to work, I desperately do, so we are going to seek couples counselling. My advice to you, having been here before, would be to pick a good time to have an open and honest conversation about how his actions make you feel. No one can argue with your feelings.
It could be as others have said, that he's not taking them properly (again been there and seen the after mass), or the dosage or type of meds could be wrong for him.
Stay strong :)
What if they do argue your feelings?
Submitted by C-love (not verified) on
I have a question on this forum.... My husband is the ADHD one and any time I tell him how I am feeling based on his actions he wont listen. He says I am being mean and hurtful and that he cannot have me point out his weaknesses every 4 days or what he is doing wrong. I have tried so many times to say I statements. "When you say You dont care about my feelings that hurts me and makes me feel distant and lonely from you" He immediatly gets defensive and turns it on me. This is the biggest piece in our marriage. He also will refuse he said the things that hurt me and says No, I didnt say that, not true, your doing it again..... I feel like he is gaslighting me and I will point out. Then I go crazy because he wont listen to me and walk around the house following him as he plug his ears and refuses to hear me. Is this normal for ADHD especially for those that are heightened from the Non ADHD impact? I have nagged etc for our first 2 years of marriage until recently over the last few months. Now I feel like he disregards any of my feelings, thinks i am needy and require to much as he is happy doing whatever after hurting me with his words that he supposedly didnt say. We have counseling on Friday but I need some type of copying with this as I dont think I will ever be truly understood, heard or seen when it comes to his impact on me.
Sympathies
Submitted by Loopdaloop on
Hi C Love
Sorry no tips or strategies just empathy and relation. I was seeing a non diagnosed man for 2.5 years , this ended in January. He had a comfortable habit of gaslighting when it suited him, telling me he'd told me about him booking a ski holiday with his friends, that he had booked a physio appointment etc. He never told me about them, I'm a health care professional and pride myself on listening. A few times though news the end he too had the habit of putting his fingers in his ears whilst we were having a discussion/argument and he was hearing things he didn't like. I wonder if that's common?! But it kind of makes you feel powerless, it's ridiculous really, not how adults should be communicating. I just didn't have the skill set to know how to deal with it.
I read some earlier posts that you take love from God, I'm not religious, but I'm thankful that you feel you have comfort from this, as even though I loved my ex and in many ways miss him i think the relationship would have finished me off.
Thoughts
Submitted by cphillips on
I am new to this - and still figuring out my meds. They aren't working right now (it is 10pm) - so I admit I didn't read most of the other comments. I'm thinking through how the effects changed quickly and trying to use the random connections between information that might help.
1 - depending on the medication - vitamin C can affect absorbtion - did he start taking meds with orange juice etc?
2 - if he is on a generic version - did the version change - I'm not sure this is a real thing, but it is something people talk about as a thing
3 - I was just reading about how temperature and humidity can affect some ADHD drugs - try keeping them in a different spot of the house?
Overall - if the meds aren't working - then it is time to try different meds - if he is up to it.