HELP! Am I being stupid?

So needless to say, after 3 years of hell I no longer trust my judgement.  I've thought I knew what I was doing hundreds of times.  Turns out I never did.  I had recently decided to leave my ADHDer.  Besides not being there for me emotionally, he has become verbally abusive.  There is good though...many of the worst parts of his life have gotten better...much better.  He is working hard.  He is improving.  Maybe not on us as much as I need, but definitely on himself.  And from what I've read, fixing yourself is often the most important thing in these relationships.  Being able to take care of himself is one of the biggest weights he can take off of my shoulders.  But back to the verbal abuse...  We've had conversations about it before.  I've made it abundantly clear that the most important thing I needed him to do for me was to stop losing his temper and yelling at me!  I don't want to go into further detail about the abuse.  It's bad.  He knows it and I know it.  And I am ready to leave him over it.  Because no matter how many times we talked about matter how many signals we came up with to try to make it stop, no matter how much we both understood what it was doing to us, no matter how much he saw how much it was hurting me, it never stopped.  He blames it on me (classic sign of verbal abuse).  Granted...I do know how to push his buttons (classic symptom of ADHD spouse), but hypothetically, even if it is all my fault that he gets angry, it is NEVER okay for him to treat me like that.  After 3 years of bullshit I have my share of problems too.  I need help as much as he does.  I've developed a nervous disorder.  I am stressed out all the time.  But again... STILL NO EXCUSE for him to yell at me or call me names or lose his temper or any of the other things he does.  He says if I can stop he will be able to stop.  He doesn't want to take any of the responsibility of stopping these fights himself.  AGAIN...getting us out of this is my responsibility.  Not saying he doesn't know he has a problem.  He knows.  And he has offered to get help.  He wants individual therapy for both of us and couples therapy.  But damnit I'm at the end of my rope!!!  I have been for months and I've been telling him for months!!  And now that I'm ready to leave he is ready to wake up?!?!  I know often ADHDers need to hit "rock bottom" before they change.  And holy cow, stupid me...I'm actually considering it!  I'm actually considering going through months (or years) of working on it while there will still probably be plenty of slip ups.  We're at a crossroads in our lives.  He is about to move for a job.  My family and my entire life is here.  I could happily move with him if I thought things could get better.  But if I believe him and I'm wrong and I move and it happens all over again...then I'm alone in a new place with no friends and I've walked out on wonderful opportunities that I have here that I will never have again.  If I move, we'll end up having children and then if I want to leave things get exponentially more complicated.  I take inventory of where my life was before I met him and where it is now and it makes me cry!!!  I could write a best seller that would depress readers to the point of suicide.  I have almost nothing left.  Do I really stake the last little bit I do have on a longshot   gamble?  And thing is, I'm at a deadline...I need to make a decision TODAY!  Not his deadline...mine.  I have commitments I need to make one way or the other and tomorrow will be too late.  Please....PLEASE HELP ME!!! What do I do?  I do love him...more every day.  Even after all he's put me through I still love him.  Can that love grow to the next level?  Can he treat me better?  He's learning to take care of himself...he's been like a child all this time.  Will I ever love him as a partner and an equal instead of a child?  By the way, he can not take medication.  He is a pilot.  And irony of all ironies...he started flight school BEFORE we figured out the ADHD thing...and he did it to make our lives better.  Now we find out that if he hadn't been a pilot maybe we could put him on a medication that would help.  Sucks huh?  You would think they'd want pilots to be able to focus better?

VERY odd indeed

That medication is not allowed in this case.  Holy crow - I would not drive without my meds anymore!  Driving has been one of my biggest fears all my adult life.  I HATE driving.  It stresses me out to no end because there's so much I just don't 'see' and i'm so over-cautious that I make other drivers nuts.  I was able to make a trip by myself with the kids for the first time a few months ago (3.5 hour drive) and there is NO WAY I could have done it without meds!  (well, I could have done it but the probability of my having an accident or getting woefully lost - even WITH the GPS - would be exponentially higher).

Unfortunately, nobody can tell you what to do.  It really does sound like you'd be giving up a whole hell of a lot on a gamble right now.  Any way you could take a hiatus or something while he starts the new job and you think - really think - about what you should do??

I'm an Excellent Driver ;)

I ALWAYS loved driving... Fast cars, loud music and my personal Decompression Chamber :) In the old days, pre-Adderall, I could struggle on long trips with periods of sleepiness, but after-Adderall even this is not really an issue. My Non-ADD DW could care less about cars or driving, just a way from point A to B. I will say that my driving used to be more aggressive than it should have been (Road Rage), and in the early days we got in Many Fights over my driving issues. This is an example of the many ways my DW's boundaries improved my unknown ADD condition. I never had wrecks, but I freaked her out with a Too Agressive style of driving and Rage. This was resolved before DD#1 was born :)

I am also quite directionally tuned. There have been too many times in my life where I had NO idea where I was, but somehow I always figure it out. 

wow - that is frightening to

wow - that is frightening to tell you the ruth about his profession. When my H doesn't take his meds he is not a very good driver, oh look there is a store over there, squirrel! yet he doesn't even notice or accept it...  Anyway you are certainly in a tough spot, lots of What Ifs, My H is a verbal abuser also, it kills me and now in the past year he has been doing it to our son, which is bringing me to my breaking point. We have discussed this over and over and over at various therapists for about 14 years, yet he lacks complete control when his temper flares, and unfortunately it doesn't take much.  If I were in your shoes I would not move with my H but I closer to the edge of giving up than you, I honestly can say I don't love my H anymore.  If I still felt any emotion for him my decision might be different.   You sound like you still love him, but the verbal insult will most likely never stop, can you live with it ?  If you have kids it could change him completely for the better, or it could continue and be directed at them. So many unknowns.  Could he move and you stay behind, temporarily as a test ? See if you really really want to follow him ?


Now might be a good time for a "temporary" separation to see what it is going to be like living without all the drama. You don't sound like you are really ready to leave yet, however, because it sounds like you are still willing to make excuses for him. After 3 years, has it gotten better or worse?