Hi, All,
I am happy to find this webpage. I guess, my story here is a quite typical one. I have been dating a non treated ADD partner for several months (8). During which, we could really connect. We shared a lot of information about ourselves (inner wise): our childhood traumas, info about our parents, current anxieties, etc. It was going well, actually I felt safe and also supported. I could also give that support, although I did not want to jump in a relationship with him and I had talked about it at the begining of our relationship. He seemed to like the fact that we were taking things slow. The last couple of months were a bit tight in our relationship, as I was also going through some anxiety issues and I talked about them. It was tense but I thought it will eventually pass. My grandmother got sick several times back then and she was taken to the hospital. They told me that in order to take care of her, there might be restrictions if I did not get vaccinated (now, in covid times). So I managed to get it, although I knew this might create some problems with my partner, as he was utterly against it. Actually he warned all the people he could to not to take it. I respected his ways, I am not a pro-vaccine person but I took it, because I thought it was the right thing to do. As I mentioned it before, it was a tense period and I was also copying with my own things and these circumstances made me not to offer explanation about my decision to take the vaccine. There was this mayor issue with my granma, but I thought, I just got it and eventually we would talk about it later. Well... we did not. The day I got the vaccine and I told him (wanting to explain), he exploded and told me I abandoned him in his battle. Also that I put my comfort over his and he could not be with someone who does not respect his beliefs. I was so shocked I could not even react. After that, he hang up on me. We see each other several times per week as we trained together (he is my coach), we have a sport club together. First he was hostile, traying to engame me (only by texting) into his rage. After a while he changed and was nice. Now he is playing mind games by being nice (like: do you need help with this or that?) one time and mean, the other. A month went by. I need help to figure out how can I help and mend the relationship. I have incredible patience and I love him. I looked up ADD (he told me he had it under control, although he was not doing therapy while we were together). I have been studying buddhism for quite some time also and developed inner strength. I think I could mend it or improve it, if I had the tools and the knowledge. I am still thinking about telling him the whole granma issue (bc that was what made me take the vaccine and he still does not know this....), but I am not sure if facts can actually help.
Thank you for your help and support!
Regards,
Eszter
Why bother
Submitted by adhd32 on
Find someone else who respects your decisions, you have been together only 8 months. Why do you think you can to fix this by yourself? He doesn't respect your choices for yourself and is punishing you for doing what's best for you. The expectation that you will blindly accept his decisions as your own is controlling and a huge red flag. You cannot fix this regardless of your inner strength, he is in control of himself. He decides how he wants to be. You cannot change him. Find someone who respects you and brings you joy.
Hi, adhdh32,
Submitted by ESZTER on
Hi, adhdh32,
Thank you for your answer. Well, the way I see it is that even if we seemingly cannot work together (and I say seemingly because I do not usually give up on people, at least, not at the first attempt). And also I feel there are certain things he cannot be in control of, such us emotional responses or a stressful situation. I might be wrong as I am not an expert but I also think when someone refuses things so deeply and aggressively, there might be something deeper there. (I know in this particular case, there is, in fact, several personal losses from his side). With that said, why bother? :) Well, I bother, because I have been in massive pain and I could also find people who helped me, no matter what. I somehow feel that now I am stronger and can be there in some way. That is all just a possibility but I want to do what I can to give the love and understanding I was given and now it seems to be a good choice to do it.
You seem very kind but I would cut this person loose
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
From this post, you sound like a very kind-hearted person. Unfortunately, this person prioritized his personal beliefs about a vaccine higher than he prioritized his relationship with you. I think that kind of says it all... it's madness that he broke up with you because YOU made a (smart and conscientious) decision for YOUR body alone. In his words, he expected you to prioritize HIS comfort over your own. RED FLAG!!! The temper explosion is also a red flag. The mind games you describe after are also a red flag. That's 3 too many.
You are the only one who gets to decide if you get vaccinated... and it was the right decision for you. Grandmother aside, it shouldn't matter WHY you took the vaccine... if you wanted it, you had every right to take it.
In the grand scheme of life, this was a pretty small deal, too. How will he explode when something big happens?
Don't go back to him. It only lets him know that he can treat you terribly and you will endure it - even continuing to be kind. Your kindness could be put to better use. :)
Hi, 1Melody1,
Submitted by ESZTER on
Hi, 1Melody1,
Thank you for your kind words. I think the same you do, nonetheless, I also want to put this into perspective: he lost his father because of the pandemic, meaning: government closed the nursery home and they sent his father home. After that he was taken to hospital, but he could not make it (he died by a stroke, not COVID). Now, he tried to find answers to that and he thinks this was all a result of the pandemic and also how the government handled it. He went into really dark theories and he is still there. In desperate need to find some closure to the loss of his parent. Looking it that way, I can understand in a deeper human level, how he can dissociate reality and be in a constant fear of losing anyone else. Anyone that matters, I mean. His aim with his warning about not to get the vaccine was about care and love (at least, this is the way I interpreted it) and fear that this might harm me and also him (I know, it sound weird, but this is the way it is and I am not ridiculazing in any way - we should never ever do that to another person). Now, this is more complicated because he has ADD and maybe other mental disorder as BPT (I have done some research and there are common factors and I am not sure whether he has one or the other - he told me he had add some time ago but that it was under control). With that said and known, I cannot expect him to behave like others. Because he is high - wired differently. We are not together because he called it off, but is there really nothing I can do for him? I do not really care if we are together or apart, but I am concerned about him being okay and happy.
Thank you!
Eszter, you can’t fix him, but he can break you.
Submitted by sickandtired on
He is using your kind, loving nature to control you for his own selfish needs. You are telling us all of these excuses why he did what he did, but these are not good enough reasons, because he is abusive and controlling. Your decision to take the vaccine is YOUR business. I commend the way you took it for the love of your grandma. She is worth it, but he isn’t. If some guy I had been dating for only 8 months was angry at me for doing something for my grandma, my mom, or my children, I would tell him to immediately fuck off! Think about how selfish his point of view is.... I don’t care what his reasons are, loss, trauma or whatever, he has NO RIGHT to control you and abuse you. He’s got you feeling guilty for doing something you know in your heart was the right thing to do. Your opinions obviously don’t matter to him, and that’s a deal killer. No amount of your kindness can change him or “fix” him. Many abusers were abused as well, but that doesn’t mean you should take his abuse. You’ve only been together 8 months. If you go back to him, soon he will be telling you what to wear, what to say, and demand you check in all the time to prove you’re not cheating on him. That’s the way this cycle goes, over and over. Would you let him put his needs over the needs of your own future children? That’s where this is heading. He’s not worth it. He needs professional help that you can’t give him. That is not a mate’s job, it’s a psychologist’s job. Please leave this guy alone and go out and find someone kind who will put your needs first. That’s what you deserve.
I was in a relationship similar to this, and I could not fix him. I made myself sick trying to help him, and after 11 years he ended up stealing both of my vehicles and trashing my house. I got out at age 60, and later found a new wonderful kind man who is now my husband. I thank God every day I left my abuser. If I can do it, you can too. Please read the books “Women Who Love Too Much” and “Co-Dependent No More”. Like I said, you can’t fix him, but he will break you. You deserve so much better, and so do your future children. Sending you a huge hug!
I agree with Melody and
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree with Melody and Sickandtired.
There is no excuse for abuse. I was in an abusive marriage for 17 years. I finally got the courage or whatever you'd call it--a kick in the butt to leave him. I was 46 years old and we had two children. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but ultimately, I left for my sanity and to set a good example for our children.