I am beyond exhausted and I don't know what to do. My ADD husband* falls into an awful "cycle" or "pattern" whenever I have needs. It goes something like this:
1. Wife does too much.** She gets exhausted, overwhelmed, and overworked.
2. Wife reaches out to husband for help, but Husband becomes defensive and feels "accused."
3. Husband tries to "help" by defending and explaining himself. Husband may lash out and "runs away" and goes missing for a few days.
4. Husband knows that he is "expected" apologize, but only does so after explaining his point of view ad nauseum. Instead of apologizing, Husband lectures Wife for three hours straight and becomes furious when "interrputed."
5. Wife gives up on her needs or accepts whatever "breadcrumbs" Husband offers . . . until next time.
RESULT?
Wife is worse off than ever before. And she's angry because:
- Wife's original need to feel supported is never met. Now Wife is MORE overwhelmed -- especially when husband is missing and creates chaos.
- Husband's apparent lack of empathy and inability to be sensitive is very hurtful.
- Husband's tendency to focus on his needs and feelings is also hurtful.
- Even though she's exhausted, Wife has to GIVE MORE (listening, patience, understanding) in order to get what she should have gotten without question in the beginning -- a little love and understanding. Unless she jumps through the necessary hoops, Wife gets nothing.
I've been seeing a therapist and I finally decided that I can't deal with the constant emotional chaos. How awful is it when you tell your husband, "hey, I'm having a hard time, can you please put your arm around me and make me feel better?" but he responds with volatility and unkindness?
I coach him, lead him, scaffold . . . do whatever I can to make it easy for him to step up to the plate. I take him by the hand, lovingly, look into his eyes, and tell him how much I'm hurting. Then, as soon as I'm vulnerable, open, willing to try anything to save our relationship, he intentionally picks at me or puts me down to hurt me. It's so cruel.
Today I told him that I'd "had it," and that I'm planning to leave. We agree to talk before I pack my things and go. But THEN he throws another wrench in things by inviting his daughter over! And we've been fighting NON STOP for three days. I'm about to get on a plane and go to my parents' house, but he plans to bring the kid over so she can be right in the middle of the dispute! Tell me that wasn't intentional!
I tell him that it's very inconsiderate and "not a good decision." Then he lashes out more and more and more and more . . .
I am so, so, so, exhausted by this cycle. I suppose that if I just shut my mouth and never ask for anything, it would keep the peace. But I can't life that way. I have to stand my ground and get the love and care that I deserve.
Help!!!
NOTE:
* Husband sees two therapists and is medicated.
** I take care of my stepdaughter, clean, cook, do the bills, drive, shop for food, do the taxes (he's behind, of course), help the kid with homework, liaise with teachers, help the husband with his homework, run the errands, clean the house, care for sick family members . . .
Oh, I've taken so many rides on that carousel of pain . . .
Submitted by BreadBaker on
I've been around that cycle so many times . . .
On top of all of that, my husband, after procrastinating on/ignoring/etc. what I or the house needed, he'd hyperfocus on what he needed. He'd nag me like crazy--and almost always when I was super-busy or sick or going through a difficult time--until I'd give in from sheer emotional exhaustion.
He'd be very nice about it while he was nagging me to death. It was like getting repeatedly poked with a sharp stick by someone who's grinning and giggling away--it still hurts like hell, and the smile doesn't change that!!! It really bordered on sadistic at times.
Even now that we're getting divorced, he's still doing it. I ask him to take care of something, and he ignores me or procrastinates until the situation is in crisis mode, and then he'll practically pull an all-nighter--and resent me for it. Or he'll just not do it at all, and think I'm crazy and a horrible person for getting upset.
And then he'll start nagging me about something of *his* again! He expects me to drop everything at any moment of the day to tend to what he wants, or he assumes that because it's a good time for *him*, it's a good time for *everyone else*. He's kinda low in the empathy department. :/
And, again, he's nice about all of this . . . but he doesn't get how infuriating it is from the other end. He really does think I'm this mean and horrible person--because I tell him to "knock it off!" after being poked in the arm so many times that I'm bleeding.
Chaos & Toxicity
Submitted by hope09 on
I've been with my ADHD husband (dating & married) for about 4 years. This week I asked him to leave because of the exact term you used...I actually said to him, "you are toxic".
I understand everything you are going thru. My husband is all over the road. He's depressed, hyper, angry, anxious, verbally/emotionally abusive with a lack of self control. He doesn't connect with feelings or emotions and doesn't understand consequences. When I hug him he tells me he feels like I'm a fly bothering him! Who says that? He truly poisoned my soul and outlook on life and I've been pulling myself out of my own depression to see the harm he has caused.
All I can say for everyone who struggles with an ADHD spouse similar to mine is that there is hope. If your spouse is willing to put forth effort and improve then stay and work it out but you only know in your heart if he is willing & able. You have one life and don't deserve to be treated this way and you can't help someone that doesn't love himself or want to be helped. My husband goes from Mr. Conceited to Mr. Insecure...it's insane.
He's been gone for a few days and I feel like me again...positive, healthy and although life is hard and challenging I still have hope where I had none with him. He's inflicted his entire disease and life upon me. It's not fair and everyone deserves to be happy, stable and healthy...hec shit should be normal not nuts.
I know the chaos & toxicity of the ADHD cycle very well (but one also that had a history of abuse). It's not worth the pain and I understand everything you feel and hope that you do what is best for yourself. It's exhausting and I promise leaving will give you all the energy to conquer the world.
Bad Cycle
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Has he talked with you about why he feels it's acceptable to get up and leave for a few days when things get hard? That behavior seems very extreme.
First, I would tell you that bottling up your feelings inside ("shutting my mouth") is NOT the answer to your issues. You have every right to express your needs in a constructive way, and to ask that he do so as well. I can't tell from your post, but wonder if you've gotten into a parent/child relationship that he so resents that he feels his only way to exert any control is to fight back and hurt you verbally. I wonder this because of your "not a good decision" quote, which could be delivered in a way that sounded scolding (but may not have been - one can't tell these things in print on the internet!) Also, your comment about coaching him and leading him makes me wonder if you've unconsciously taken responsibility for dealing with his ADHD symptoms (and whatever else he has - sounds like it's something else, too). Whenever a non-ADHD partner starts to take responsibility for ADHD symptoms of a spouse it backfires - he resents it and starts "fighting back" in subtle (and not so subtle) ways.
It sounds as if you are at the stage when you need to set some boundaries for yourself around what your key needs are. See my post on boundaries in the favorites area. Also, hand back the ADHD responsibility to your hubby. Make it clear to him that he is not only responsible for his ADHD, but will be living with the consequences of the decisions he makes about it. So if he gets his symptoms under control and starts to talk with you constructively about your joint needs (note, I don't say just yours or just his here), you will likely be positive about his approach. If he decides that ADHD doesn't matter, after you've clearly told him that it does, then there will likely be a different response from you. He may not like it, but that's the reality of the situation.
In any event, his inviting his daughter over seems to me to have nothing to do with whether or not you pack up and leave - he can be responsible for her after you're out the door. But it is interesting that he chose that method of obstructing you, rather than just leaving as normal. Seems as if he figured that it would make you feel obligated to stay. (Hint: Don't let him manipulate you. Set those boundaries and "rules" for yourself, and stick to them!)
Also, next time he starts to lecture you, consider telling him "I'm really interested in what you have to say, but the fact that you are lecturing me is making me feel defensive and disrespected. When I'm defensive, I'm less likely to be open to what you are saying. Can you please shorten what you are saying, and change your tone of voice? If not, I'm going to have to leave the conversation just to keep myself from becoming angry, even though I really would like to hear you out." Then, try to get the conversation back to "content", not tone, as quickly as possible.
Follow Up Questions for Melissa
Submitted by Hoping4More on
As usual, I like your response, Melissa. I have two specific questions:
1. You suggest "next time he starts to lecture you, consider telling him 'I'm really interested in what you have to say, but the fact that you are lecturing me is making me feel defensive and disrespected. When I'm defensive, I'm less likely to be open to what you are saying. Can you please shorten what you are saying, and change your tone of voice? If not, I'm going to have to leave the conversation just to keep myself from becoming angry, even though I really would like to hear you out.' " My question is, when someone is yelling at you or lecturing you, how do you get them to stop and listen to request like this? What I usually end up shortening it to is something like "I can't talk with you when you are like this" and leave the room. Obviously your words are less judgmental than mine. Is there a shorter version you might suggest?
2. You say it's not a good idea for the non-ADD spouse to "take responsibility for" the ADD. I agree. So, as someone who has already suggested my spouse (who knows she has ADD and is taking meds) take advantage of coaching and even given her some links to some coaching websites and resources, how do I now approach her to let her know how important I think it is for our relationship that she get some coaching and inquire whether she intends to do so without sounding critical and/or nagging?
since you are in a pattern,
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
since you are in a pattern, talk about how you feel defensive in these conversations at a time when you aren't in the middle of one. Agree that it's more desirable that you listen than get defensive, and agree to a verbal cue that will stop the momentum of the conversation. I've heard people use some of these: "Time out, we need to reboot this conversation" or "This conversation is getting out of control" or "I can feel myself closing down. Can we take a brief break and try again?" Because you have both agreed that the verbal cue it means that you can "restart" the conversation ahead of time, it can be very effective. Much more so than just walking out, which tends to escalate things further.
As for the coaching. The ADHD issues are for the ADHD spouse to address. Instead of focusing on the specific solution, focus on the importance of the underlying issues and what they are and then try to arrive at a solution together. It's really, really hard to do. I remember telling my husband for quite a long time that I couldn't live as we were living and all he heard from my statements was that I thought there was something wrong with him, rather than that we should fix something together (and to be fair, I DID think that there was something wrong with him at the time, so I am also at fault in this!) You have a mutual problem. Think about discussing the problem in ways that are as neutral as possible and as "inviting" to the partner to work with you to jointly solve.