Last weekend I had 2 setbacks:
1) Dinner party with husband's colleagues, someone asked me, "How did you two meet?" and I launched into the usual story, which I have been telling friends at parties for the last decade or so. I jokingly said i 'stalked' him. What I did was ask his friend when he was working so I could stop by at those times, not scary stalking... I noticed that he looked terribly uncomfortable - but only after i'd finished my story.... He was angry because i'd embarrassed him and that even though it was an informal setting, I shouldn't have told a 'private' story to one of his colleagues (even though she'd asked me a direct question) and that saying I 'stalked' him made me look crazy.
2) we drove to a relative's house 3.5 hours away on saturday for Easter weekend. We had a plan to stop at wal-mart for a few things, change my 1.5 year old's diaper, get my 4 year old to pee and then I would take the kids to the car while my husband would get stuff for the kids' easter baskets. While coming out of the bathroom, i passed the toy section and saw a toy that I thought would be much better (and more long-term) than the cheap easter basket toys. I told my husband that i wanted to do the 'errand' and asked him to take the kids to the car. I was trying to be secretive so as not to blow the Easter bunny surprise. he said fine, but would only take the 4 year old to the car, saying the younger one, "Won't know the difference' anyway. Problem was, I had not brought a stroller or gotten a cart so she was grabbing things off the shelf. I had to go get a cart, then find the toy - then realized it was too expensive to get two... then had to scramble to get SOMETHING and went to the easter section that was practically cleaned out. it took 20 minutes. Add that to the 10 minutes we already were there and we were 30 minutes behind schedule.
I got back to the car and my husband was seething. we pulled out of the parking lot and after a couple minutes he laid into me, saying 'We're a half hour late! we have to stop and get lunch now because i can't drive for another hour without eating!" then he went on to accuse me of trying to emotionally blackmail him when I asked if I could get the easter stuff. I tried to explain that i was not blackmailing anyone, I was being vague so as not to ruin the surprise. Then he brought up a comment i'd made a week ago when he took the 4 year old to a movie. I said, "Hey, how come you always get to do the fun stuff?" I was half joking, but... yes... I would like to have some time with her and not always be home with the little one when they go off to do 'big girl' stuff. I would not call it blackmail, but who knows? I am discovering every day more and more things i have done that are a result of my mental illness (that I thought were normal).
The worst part about the outburst in the car was that he humiliated me in front of my kids. He is always saying that i need to set a strong example for them so that they aren't afraid of everything like i am. But how will I set that example if he is speaking harshly to me as if scolding a child? He has never done this in front of the kids before. I had taken my adderall an hour or so before and it had just started to kick in. The adrenaline produced by the shock and shame of his attack shot through me and I began to panic. I had to roll the window down and stick my face out until my heart stopped flipping out.
He apologized an hour or so later, but I was still freaked out and spent the weekend pretending to be ok when all I wanted to do was lock myself in the bathroom and cry. It seems he is MORE intolerant of my mistakes now. I asked him why he didn't tell me that he hated the story about how we met. He said because he knew if he said something I would be offended and take it personally and whine and complain. *sigh*
I have been busting my ass to get better and I have been on adderall for months. I don't like it, but I admit it works. I can robotically go about household tasks and chores and get things on my list checked off. I hear the college kids around here bragging about taking 'Addies' and they feel like Superman. I do not feel like Superman. At best, I occasionally feel like Captain Adequate. I know the solution is probably a higher dose or more doses etc. but i HATE the idea of popping pills all day. I started running, but because I exert so much physical energy walking/pushing a stroller (sometimes with both kids=60lbs) it seems to just exhaust me.
How do you deal with setbacks? How can I stop F**king up???????????