I have just found this site and think its awesome, have read a couple of posts and its like reading a page out of my journal.
I have been with my partner, Sam, for seven years. He has recently been diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD. Its amazing to finally have explanations for all those things that I put down to him being lazy, unmotivated, etc... BUT I feel like Sam uses this as a crutch.
We have a nine month old daughter together, and since she was born I have been feeling more and more resentful that he doesnt do more to help and/or get well. It got to a point where I felt like I was putting too much pressure on him and made the decision that we should separate for a period of time. This is very recent (Like I moved out 72 hours ago) and I am finding it so hard to cope. I miss him terribly and so does Isabella (Our DD). Ive left him everything, the house, the car, the furniture, the animals as I felt I couldnt leave without knowing he was going to be ok... and I feel like Ive lost everything. I feel like there might be no hope that things will work out for my family, cause I DESPERATELY want my family to be together and happy.
We decided that this wasnt a "Break Up" but a seperation. The financial issues were causing me to get severly depressed as he doesnt have a job (He has had MANY MANY jobs, but is unable at this stage to keep them) and so I have been working fulltime since our daughter was 3 months old as we literally had NO money to survive. The house work was never done as I was always exhausted by the end of the week, running around after Sam, Izzy and of course myself.
Sam says that he wants to try and work things out and that we will eventually be together again, but he also says things like he cant promise that we will be together as a couple at the end of this trial separation (We decided on a year, but MY GOD that is so hard to comprehend not being together for a year, so maybe re-assess in six months time...) I have suggested couples counselling which he is keen on, but doesnt want to start yet as he feels like he is trying to put too much on his plate at once.
This diagnosis is great as it gives and explanation of WHY he does the things he does. But I dont want it to be an excuse as it seems to have been in the past when he doctors dianosed him with bi-polar and depressed... We have seen a new doctor who picked up immediately that he was undiagnosed ADD/ADHD and he is still working out the medications as they dont seem to helping at the moment.
Has anyone got any advice for me as this is obviously the beginning of our journey with ADD/ADHD and I just want some tips on how to get through without him... I miss him so much and cant imagine my life without him as my other half...
Submitted by gardener447 on
Sorry you didn't get any responses to this... I have some ideas, but they will have to wait until this evening. Would like to hear in the meantime how things have been going since then.. best wishes.
Submitted by Emmanic on
we are at the end of two weeks separation now. At its coming into the longest time we've spent apart in seven years. It has been HARD. For me in particular as I am living back with my parents and it feels like Im 16 again...
Sam and I sat down last night and basically wrote out a boundaries agreement. In regards to our relationship. We've decided the best thing to do right now is to try to keep our distance as much as possible. Obviously we see each other at least twice a week as he looks after our DD two days a week, so that is unavoidable, and we have decided to dedicate one night a fortnight just for us as a couple. Other than the unavoidable times and date night we are going to try and just focus on ourselves for the other nights/days.
Both of us are struggling with jealousy/paranoia issues as we are used to seeing each other everyday and NOT seeing each other, the mind tends to wander and create scenarios that if not addressed will drive us nuts.
I have made the discovery that I am indeed a co-dependent and so these issues need to be addressed before I can even begin to think about re-starting our relationship.
So all in all, we are just trucking along, trying to make the best of a bad situation.
sounds like progress
Submitted by gardener447 on
Sounds like you're hanging in, and identifying what next steps to take. That is huge! sometimes just stepping off one path and onto another, even if it is just as rocky, can lead you in a new direction. Re "the mind tends to wander and create scenarios". Mark Twain said: 'I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened". Remind yourself that right now, you are okay. You have enough to deal with, without taking on things that aren't actually happening. Staying in the present is very helpful in this regard. Do what you are doing, while you are doing it. If you pay strict attention to doing what you are doing, your mind has less time to wander and conjure up nightmares. I've had disastrous, heart-breaking arguments with my husband that ended in misery -- while I was driving alone in my car, imaging what I would say about something, how he'd respond, how hurt I'd be, how I'd respond, blah, blah, blah. Learn to spot it and choke it off. Find a code word to use with yourself. "back to business" "Right now, I'm okay" "Earth to Emmanic" LOL whatever. Curious about one reaction to your separation, which has happened to me, when my guy and I are apart for a week or more. Do you find your anger or hurt or resentment --whatever-- toward him lessening? Are you able to see old situations in a new light with a little distance? If so, how are you using that to your benefit?