Ive been reading this website since I was diagnosed with ADHD and began medication after a lifetime of asking myself "what the hell is wrong with you bill?". The blinders coming off in a rush of selfrealization and the pain, sorrow, and anger directed at myself at times feels overwhelming. I try to cope and I cry a lot. They are real tears though...ive never felt these before. First a little background on my history and my current situation
I am currently seperated from my beautiful wife and our 4 children because of this disease and its toll it took on them. my wife and I have been together for almost 12 yrs. I want desperately to save our family now that i am "human being". Over that time I have had the typical timeline of adhd roller coaster but did have control to a point up until 2.5 years ago. Thats when the claws of adhd sank into me deep and relentlessly. We had a house fire where we lost virtually everything...nearly 100% loss...it started in my workshop and that devastated me...I looked at it as I was responsible for our loss. I am a former Marine combat engineer (high stress mines, explosives, etc...) and combat veteran I handled those experiences but I couldnt handle the fire. I constantly thought about how I ruined our life because of sonething I may have forgotten to do once again...I tried talking to my wife about those feelings and was met with her a type personality, which I love in her, saying to suck it up, move on, no one was hurt just deal with it. Im not bashing her for this fir so many years I had these moments and periods of selfloathing and deep hatred fir myself and would get through them and go back to the happy go lucky living in the moment hardworking loving caring man I was fir short periods. It was different with the fire though...I couldnt shake it...I kept reliving it daily and she buried herself in her business...the days of trying to hold in my ocerwhelming shame turned to weeks then months then years...I can see now the path I took and it wasnt pretty...over the past 2.5 years I sank to such depths of my adhd...loss of months of memmories because there was so much in my head i could retain anything. I still cant remember anything from september 26th 2011 till about may of 2012...its all a blur of jumbled crap. I retreated to mini hyperfocused projects which never got completed...self hatred grew to the point that if you didnt smile at me that meant you hated me too...although i didnt realize till i went in meds i had shut down almost completely unless i was yelled at then i focused fir short periods...i truly felt my wife and family hated me for the fire...i truly disapoeared inside my twisted mind and couldnt escape..I resorted to dating sites...none became anything...I think I was looking for a woman to talk to. Im not sure...In august of last year I started a new job and met a younger woman who seemed interested in me...one thing led to another she flirted texted hinted and and the affair began in september. In november I knew it was wrong, i was starting see i was wrong...I wanted to save myself and my marriage. I didnt kniw i was fighting a battle i couldnt win yet without help.I tried ending it...lets be friends...lol...that doesn't work when your brain wired by adhd that had gone undiagnosed...my wife and family doctor tested me and to no suprise to them and a complete shock to me...i tested off the charts...January 3rd I started on aderall at the ultimatum of my wife ...do this or I leave...January 9th I went to help my somewhat ex mistress pack to move...i was done...I ended it after I left...only to arrive home to my wife waiting in the porch for me...after clawing my way out of the pit...getting on meds. Realizing my brain was screwed up...there she is waiting for me...im not sure if I would have told her about the affair if she didnt find out. Being honest about that. I have put her through so much in our years together...the last few being a hundred fold worse but regardless.
This has only been a brief history of my struggles with the awakening, as I call it. My life has been filled with adhd and the pain I feel now is horrible. I cant change the past. I can only go forward and make a new life.
I want to save my marriage and family. I scream at the empty house I live in that I am losing now because I cant afford to keep it on one income. My wife tells me that she wants to find herself again...love her work and our kids befire she will consider us reconciling. She has said she sees change in me...she cares for me...she almost said I love you...but will not committed to anything ither than friendship at this point. Im trying to show I can stand in my own and be a husband father and friend now.
The pain of 41 years of this disease has crashed down on me with such force. I accept its a disease that causes so many symptoms and requires treatment but how do you get past the guilt of the "old me"?