I'm new to this forum and have just finished reading Melissa's book on the Effects of ADHD in Marriage. It was a real eye opener to see both why my husband may have behaved the way he did in our marriage and why I was behaving the way I did in our marriage.
Here are the basics. Been married to my husband for 6 years. We had the typical whirl wind relationship, moved in and married within the first year. I loved him so much and he loved me. Pretty much straight after we were married he moved on to a new focus and I started feeling the typical hurt from this and reacted just as Melissa described in her book. We had the ADHD textbook marriage. It was a train wreck. Fast forward to March this year and I ended us for the second time. Feeling empty, numb, alone, lonely, unloved, unappreciated, exhausted I just could not take the abuse any more. I honestly felt the way I was being treated was deliberate.
After he and his daughter finally moved out (the hardest 3 months I can tell you as he really was not behaving in a very nice way towards me), I could finally breathe for the first time in years. I enjoyed unwinding and starting to feel again. I hung out with friends and enjoyed having people who cared about me around me. I made sure though that I didn't go down my normal path of looking for physical company, which was tough at times, as I so missed that intimacy. But I felt alive again and could feel.
Then my husband told me was looking to move as far away from me as he could as he could barely function. Something inside me hurt and I realised then that I still loved him. That I didn't want him to move away. I told him this. At this point I really started to see my own involvement in our breakdown. Piece by piece. Up until now, I had pretty much blamed him for us not working as he was the one who wouldn't take responsibility, or work on communication, or continued to ignore me. I was the one who tried. Well the reality was it was both of us that caused the issues, and I really didn't try. Or what I was trying was all wrong for what was really the issue.
The more I told him that it was my fault too, that I could see my mistakes and that I was sorry. I was sorry for the way I treated him and sorry for all that I had done, the more he pulled away. The more he pulled away the more I pursued. About 2 months ago I connected the dots to what seems to me is ADHD and started to research and read. I told him that I thought I had found what the core issue was and sent him the links to some articles. I explained that I didn't blame him for any of this, that it was that neither of understood what was going on and that I wanted to accept him for him and was he interested in getting professional help with me.
Again the more I got excited that I had found the answer to how we could finally work through both of our issues, the less he wanted to talk with me. He has barely communicated with me at all in the last 2 months. We had a very brief (I mean like a day) where he seemed to want to try and we organised a date, before he closed down again. We did go on that date (only a couple of weeks ago) and he focussed on everything but me. When I asked if there was a reason he told me that he was waiting for me to make the first move. When I did, he had sex, but I could sense that he was still very disconnected from us. He left to spend time with his parents over xmas, which is where he is now, and after letting me know he arrived, he barely communicated. When I asked if there was an issue, he got defensive with me again. We spoke on the phone and he told me he wanted to run away and start a new life on his own. That he is scared that he wont be able to connect with me again, that we are in very different places right now, and that he doesn't want to waste my time.
I continued reading Melissa's book and could see how the way I communicate with him is a massive issue for us. I focus on what I am not getting from him , rather than focussing on what he is giving me. So when he sent me a very cold 3 line txt message for xmas "merry xmas to you and your family and to the animals. I hope that work treats you well for xmas", I was grateful for the insight that Melissa gave me. I said thank you for his text and the effort it took to write it. I then sent him a voice message so he could understand that I wasn't being sarcastic, that I truly meant I appreciated what he did and apologised for all the hurt and pain I had caused him by me only focussing on what he wasn't giving me.
I am at a loss to what to do next. Do I just not communicate? Do I try and communicate? He suffers from anxiety and depression and is medicated for that, and I know his anxiety is off the scale at the moment while he is in flight mode. I don't want to lose my husband now that I can see the issue, but I just don't know if it is too late, or if he is just scared of facing the possibility of having ADHD (because I am just guessing atm) or is still seeing that I am blaming him for our problems (even though I have said numerous times now that I don't) or it is giving him permission to blame himself for another reason for being inadequate (he definitely has low self esteem).
Please, any help or advise would be much appreciated. I am feeling so unsure what to do.