Yesterday I got an email from my boyfriend's business partner, I'll call "R." The two of them are working on several projects that will (in theory) make more money. Except right now my boyfriend owes R $300. And R is fed up.
To quote R, "I've grown tired of being our bank as I'm sure you have too. I've grown tired of being the only adult one in our partnership."
Welcome to my world, right? R wants or expects ME to intervene and help him get his $300. (Ironic, considering how much my BF owes me for carrying our household...) But I don't know how to bring it up, or if I even should. I certainly understand R's frustration! And on one hand, if my boyfriend doesn't shape up, the business partnership might fall apart completely, who knows. **I should explain that the business partner and his wife are our friends; we do things socially as well as regarding the guys' business stuff. So that makes this even more touchy. R and his wife make good money from what I understand, but that's not the point. My BF owes them money and they want it, now.
Last night I tried to vaguely bring up the subject of R and their business "stuff" they are working on, but I didn't ask bluntly about any money being owed. I chickened out. I don't know how to bring it up without being super blunt. Maybe I should be?
Any suggestions would be great. Thanks so much.
Yes, definitely unpleasant
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Yes, definitely unpleasant and uncomfortable. But I recommend being blunt. Maybe something like the following?
"Hey, honey, I have something to talk about. Is this an OK time to talk? .... R called me last night and said that you owe him $300. I got the sense that R expects me to get you to pay. Obviously, I can't do that. But I do want to say that I'm uncomfortable being put into the middle of this. I really encourage you to pay him and to work out a system so that this problem doesn't come up again, for you or for me."
Good luck. My husband and I have problems with money, too. He's employed but he works for his father, and his father never wants to pay him. I pay all the bills at home and ask for reimbursement. It's WORSE than pulling teeth to get money from my husband every month. It's extremely stressful, especially because I'm uber-responsible and don't pay bills late. The first thing I cut back on is anything for myself, and these days, that means groceries. I'm too skinny already; I don't want to cut back even more!
Yes. Awkward.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Second chances,
I sure can relate to the awkward situation.
I am only on the outside looking in on the situation you have shared. It sure comes across as the typical triangulation scenario. And that puts you smack dab in the middle.
Some how I got myself wrapped in many of these sorts of situations. I always thought I could 'help' out the communication. I just ended up in the middle with 2 people angry with me. For myself, I had to learn to - as hard and awkward as it was - to sincerely tell the other person that I was purposely choosing to not get in the middle.
In my life, the biggest place these sort of things happen are between my spouse and his brother, between my spouse and our son, between my spouse and anyone who leaves a message on the answering machine and does not receive a return call.
I continue to tell my brother in law that I love him and he has to work stuff out with his brother.
I continue to tell my son that I understand his frustrations, I will listen to him vent, but since he walked eyes-wide-open into a business partnership with his Dad, he has to decide if the frustrations are enough to make him get a job elsewhere, or to try to figure out.
I continue to let the answering machine ALWAYS answer the business phone.
Maybe you could just let your friend work $$$ stuff out with his partner. The choice is yours. You can intervene if you choose. You can also choose to step back and let them work it out. Even when you empathize with the other partner because you understand his position.
These are good points, I'm So
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
These are good points, I'm So Exhausted. Do you think the original poster should tell R that she hasn't talked to her husband or just drop the subject? I don't know if I have an answer; this is such a tricky situation to be in.
Random thoughts. . . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
Since she did say she got an e-mail that states: "I've grown tired of being our bank as I'm sure you have too. I've grown tired of being the only adult one in our partnership." she could reply something along the lines of, "Yes, you are correct. I understand your frustration. I myself am at a loss how to change the dynamics." She wasn't specifically asked to provide a solution. That puts the ball back in the sender's court.
I am responding from my own mistakes. I was always quick to jump right in and try to fix. And thus. . . . . the way my marriage turned into the parent/child dynamic. I am working hard to change my own behavior.
That's a good suggestion.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
That's a good suggestion. Sometimes, I know my goal but not what to say or do to reach it. Thank you for providing a good example of a way to reduce the parent/child dynamic.
There was more to the story...
Submitted by Second Chances on
Thanks for your responses; I appreciate your thoughts so much!
I did wind up bringing up the $300 this morning, and I'm actually glad I asked... because I found out some more infuriating/distressing news. Turns out that the $300 my BF owes his business partner is NOT for the various and upcoming *business* projects they are working on now. The $300 is what is left from $450 that my BF owed "R" for a FREAKING PARTY that was seven weeks ago, to celebrate the launch of their "big" project that debuted in January. This big party was held at R's house, with R organizing/planning the food (and TONS of booze) for about 60 people. Of course my BF and I attended the party, but beforehand, I had asked my BF several times WHO was going to pay for this party, WHAT was "expected" of him (us), etc. I never got any answers, I was told that it was "taken care of" and that it was "R's party" for the most part, not really a "joint event" kind of thing. Weeks prior to the party, I made it very clear to my BF that I could not and would not be paying for the party. And that furthermore, with his finances in the crapper, that he could NOT possibly promise to pay for even half of the party, either. (That would not be fair to me - nor to the business partner.) I was under the mistaken assumption that my BF had been honest with R, and told him flat-out that he had NO MONEY to put towards the party, so that R would know... anything that R bought or arranged for the party would be on his shoulders alone, financially.
I feel betrayed. My BF kept this from me... 1) That he knew that R had expected him (and therefore "us?!") to cover half of this ridiculous PARTY expense and B) That he had already paid R $150. WTF? BF doesn't have the money to pay our WATER BILL but he gave $150 to R for a party? All this done behind my back? I am losing my mind here.
Granted, I feel like R took advantage of my BF in a way, by bulldozing over him and doing the party "his" way. But now R too is realizing that my BF is not necessarily "good to his word" when it comes to money and promises. I did send a brief reply note to R, that was factual and unemotional, promising nothing.
Many posters here, the non-ADHD partners and spouses, have expressed that "This is not what they signed up for" and I am 100% in agreement. :-(
Thanks again for reading and for your thoughts.
I would be steamed, too!
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I would be steamed, too!
More thought on your follow up post
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Second Chances,
In my experiences with my spouse, he very rarely remembers correctly all the details of any agreement. Even when we write things down, his memory - or his ability to bring up in his memory the details - is flawed.
I have a difficult enough time with conversations between him and I. Thus, another reason I choose to steer clear of any details he has with anyone else.
I understand your disappointment.
yikes
Submitted by Kaliko on
So, if it had been business-related, my advice would have been to gently remind R that you're not actually part of the business, and you're not comfortable, personally, acting as an arbiter for your friends. I think most people would respect that and back off the implied pressure. But, with this situation as it actually is...
I've become a big fan of allowing people to experience natural consequences. It's the only way some people can be trained to act like responsible adults. One of my closest friends from work is in her mid-50's, and she got fed up with her husband spending far more than he was making. She had him get his own accounts, dropped him from her phone plan and car insurance, and took him off her credit cards. After a few humiliating episodes of him having to borrow money from their 17-year old son, he straightened up a lot, and they're doing much better. Note: he wasn't ADHD - just sort of depressed and unmotivated. With my husband, I had been encouraging him for years to be more financially responsible (and to, you know, *work*), but nothing changed until I asked him to leave - and also split our finances. Caveat: there was no happy ending for me - he's "self-sufficient" now, broadly-speaking, and he's buckled down with taking some classes to improve his job prospects, but watching him almost fight against getting to that point over several months really drove home exactly what I was dealing with, and we are getting a divorce.
I really don't think two people can have a good relationship if one is consistently too dependent on the other. Not saying the relationship should be discarded, but removing their ability to be dependent on you will eventually reveal where their priorities are, and how much effort they're willing to contribute to be an equal partner. How long have you two been living together?