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A diagnosis is one thing. Sustained change is another. Until you see a loooonnng stretch of change and commitment, I wouldn't consider it. He has a ton of heavy lifting to do - kicking an ingrained porn habit, staying gainfully employed, maintaining sobriety (from pot), etc. Nevermind that he needs to learn how to communicate adequately with you instead of dismissing you. Nevermind the lies and dating profile. I'm just saying this is a LOT that will take him years to manage IF he's committed.
You're out and healthy now and can finally put you and your kids first. There's no reason he can't work on these things without you there. You could even both attend counseling together if you want to without you living together. A longer time apart will show you whether or not he really has a transformation within him and gives you more time to take a breath and not risk him becoming complacent once he's got you back. Just my two cents after reading your story. Maybe read your post again and pretend it's your best friend's or sister's marriage. What would you advise them?
You are not alone. I'm sorry for all you've been through.
Thank you. I cried when i read this as no one really knows what its like to live with someone who has ADHD. My husband is full or regret, shame and guilt about all the hurt. But as you say, theres a lot and i just dont know if i want to go back. The things i have outlined have happened over a 10year period, so not all at once. Which made it hard for me to see the pattern of behaviour, particularly when after each instance its explained away (i sound stupid i know. Im actually very intelligent).
He has been sober for 2years and has always worked. He got a job quickly after being fired, which made it worse in a way as there were no employment consequences. I feel like im dealing with 2 people, like he has two characters. Thank you again for your support
This honestly sounds like the worst of the worst of ADHD at its extreme. Unless he activiely is in counseling for ALL THE THINGS YOU LISTED ABOVE *AND* treating you in a way that makes you feel respected and loved, I would NOT go back. Sorry you've had to deal with this. I wish you thhe best.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. The past 4/5years i felt something in my gut was off. The general ADHD behaviour was getting worse (interrupting, blame shifting, anger, pot use etc). Then he got fired and for a further 1.5years i just plodded until i realised about the ADHD. My children are also being tested. Its like someone has taken off the blindfold and its a lot to absord. Thank you again.
His behavior definitely sounds like unmanaged ADHD with a heap of unhealthy coping mechanisms that cause even more destruction than the unmanaged ADHD alone.
I agree with what 1Melody1 said above - There is no reason he can't work on these things while you are not there. Also, there is no reason you can't go to counseling together without living together as a couple, but I have to ask--Is he even acknowledging that he has a problem and wants to change?
In my experience with an ADHD spouse who wasn't diagnosed until 47:
Step 1 is being diagnosed
Step 2 is the ADHD person acknowledging that unmanaged ADHD has made a substantial negative impact on their life
Step 3 is the ADHD partner verbally saying they want to change
Step 4 (which often is where things come to an abrupt halt) is the ADHD partner actually starting to make changes
If your spouse is still on step 1, definitely do not go back. I would say don't go back until he is on step 4.5 (if he gets there). This is coming from someone who gave her ADHD spouse tons of grace and extra help at step 1. Mine went from 1-3, back to 1, then 1-2, back to 1 for a year and a half. I recently came to realize that he is unwilling to go past step 1 for real, and I can't live in that place anymore. Relationships take two people.
Picture yourself 6, 12, 18 months from now--with and without him. Which future version looks better? Which future version gives you peace and optimism? Which future version makes you feel stuck? Again, there's nothing to say that he can't make changes on his own, but you don't have to continue to put your life and joy on hold while he does this.
I am also going through the same thing right now--just kicked my ADHD spouse out last weekend---so if you need support, I am here. I believe there is a whole community of non-ADHD spouses here for you :)
Thank you and im sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. I appreciate the support when you also have your own difficulties. I would say he is definitely at step 3 but i feel he wants me to tell him how to sort this situation and what changes to make. Im no longer willing to do that and facilitate the parent/child dynamic. Its a lot to have dealt with. Thanks again.
Thank you and im sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. I appreciate the support when you also have your own difficulties. I would say he is definitely at step 3 but i feel he wants me to tell him how to sort this situation and what changes to make. Im no longer willing to do that and facilitate the parent/child dynamic. Its a lot to have dealt with. Thanks again.
I wouldn't go back
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
A diagnosis is one thing. Sustained change is another. Until you see a loooonnng stretch of change and commitment, I wouldn't consider it. He has a ton of heavy lifting to do - kicking an ingrained porn habit, staying gainfully employed, maintaining sobriety (from pot), etc. Nevermind that he needs to learn how to communicate adequately with you instead of dismissing you. Nevermind the lies and dating profile. I'm just saying this is a LOT that will take him years to manage IF he's committed.
You're out and healthy now and can finally put you and your kids first. There's no reason he can't work on these things without you there. You could even both attend counseling together if you want to without you living together. A longer time apart will show you whether or not he really has a transformation within him and gives you more time to take a breath and not risk him becoming complacent once he's got you back. Just my two cents after reading your story. Maybe read your post again and pretend it's your best friend's or sister's marriage. What would you advise them?
You are not alone. I'm sorry for all you've been through.
1000%, everything Melody said
Submitted by Varden on
1000%, everything Melody said.
Thank you
Submitted by Elliej on
Thank you. I cried when i read this as no one really knows what its like to live with someone who has ADHD. My husband is full or regret, shame and guilt about all the hurt. But as you say, theres a lot and i just dont know if i want to go back. The things i have outlined have happened over a 10year period, so not all at once. Which made it hard for me to see the pattern of behaviour, particularly when after each instance its explained away (i sound stupid i know. Im actually very intelligent).
He has been sober for 2years and has always worked. He got a job quickly after being fired, which made it worse in a way as there were no employment consequences. I feel like im dealing with 2 people, like he has two characters. Thank you again for your support
This honestly sounds like the
Submitted by Varden on
This honestly sounds like the worst of the worst of ADHD at its extreme. Unless he activiely is in counseling for ALL THE THINGS YOU LISTED ABOVE *AND* treating you in a way that makes you feel respected and loved, I would NOT go back. Sorry you've had to deal with this. I wish you thhe best.
Thank you
Submitted by Elliej on
Thank you for taking the time to reply. The past 4/5years i felt something in my gut was off. The general ADHD behaviour was getting worse (interrupting, blame shifting, anger, pot use etc). Then he got fired and for a further 1.5years i just plodded until i realised about the ADHD. My children are also being tested. Its like someone has taken off the blindfold and its a lot to absord. Thank you again.
I would not go back
Submitted by Megs27 on
His behavior definitely sounds like unmanaged ADHD with a heap of unhealthy coping mechanisms that cause even more destruction than the unmanaged ADHD alone.
I agree with what 1Melody1 said above - There is no reason he can't work on these things while you are not there. Also, there is no reason you can't go to counseling together without living together as a couple, but I have to ask--Is he even acknowledging that he has a problem and wants to change?
In my experience with an ADHD spouse who wasn't diagnosed until 47:
Step 1 is being diagnosed
Step 2 is the ADHD person acknowledging that unmanaged ADHD has made a substantial negative impact on their life
Step 3 is the ADHD partner verbally saying they want to change
Step 4 (which often is where things come to an abrupt halt) is the ADHD partner actually starting to make changes
If your spouse is still on step 1, definitely do not go back. I would say don't go back until he is on step 4.5 (if he gets there). This is coming from someone who gave her ADHD spouse tons of grace and extra help at step 1. Mine went from 1-3, back to 1, then 1-2, back to 1 for a year and a half. I recently came to realize that he is unwilling to go past step 1 for real, and I can't live in that place anymore. Relationships take two people.
Picture yourself 6, 12, 18 months from now--with and without him. Which future version looks better? Which future version gives you peace and optimism? Which future version makes you feel stuck? Again, there's nothing to say that he can't make changes on his own, but you don't have to continue to put your life and joy on hold while he does this.
I am also going through the same thing right now--just kicked my ADHD spouse out last weekend---so if you need support, I am here. I believe there is a whole community of non-ADHD spouses here for you :)
Thank you
Submitted by Elliej on
Thank you and im sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. I appreciate the support when you also have your own difficulties. I would say he is definitely at step 3 but i feel he wants me to tell him how to sort this situation and what changes to make. Im no longer willing to do that and facilitate the parent/child dynamic. Its a lot to have dealt with. Thanks again.
Thank you
Submitted by Elliej on
Thank you and im sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. I appreciate the support when you also have your own difficulties. I would say he is definitely at step 3 but i feel he wants me to tell him how to sort this situation and what changes to make. Im no longer willing to do that and facilitate the parent/child dynamic. Its a lot to have dealt with. Thanks again.