help! New to site, need some feedback

I have been with my husband for about 3 years now and we have a 14 month old son together.  As I have read a lot on the site, our courtship was amazing.  I came from an abusive relationship and thought that I had finally found Mr. Right.  Well, since our son was born a whole new person has emerged.  He is angry, sometimes violent, started watching porn and being sexually disrespectful.  If we get into an arguement about the smallest thing I see his whole face change and he becomes this monster that is unable to be spoken to or reasoned with.  I have tried so many time to be patient and talk things through with him, but once he gets upset I just don't know what to do.  Before he would get angry and just leave for a couple of hours, now it has become where he is violent, verbally abusive and will try and break things all around the house.  It is unbeleivable scary and even our son seems to notice the change in him.

 

I want so much to be able to make this work, but I don't know how to get through to him.  I know he has been diagnosed with ADHD and does not wish to be on medication for it.  I want to know if there are any tips or helpful advise on how to deal with this and if I can address him in a different way that he will resbond better to.  Anytime I approach him about a situation, no matter how big or small, he makes it seem like I am attaching him or belittling him.  That is his favorite word, belittle.  All I do is sit there and try and think of how I can approach him so he won't get mad, but regardless of my approach things always get out of hand.  It can be for something as small as taking out the trash.

 

I have also caught him in a few instances where he was talking to people that he said he was no longer in contact with, sneaking porn and denying it when confronted, etc.  I could really use some feedback or ideas and would appreciate any assistance.  I really want to be able to make our relationship work, but if I can't figure out what makes him act this way, I'm not sure how much longer I can live in this misery.

Violence is not acceptable,

Violence is not acceptable, nor is breaking things and frightening you and your son.  Do I really need to say that?  Call the police if it EVER happens again.

"I really want to be able to make our relationship work"

Why? He is violent, angry, verbally abusive and lying.  Until that stops then you should not be near him, especially with a child.

Your son is old enough to be picking up everything that is going on around him.  Is this the healthy, happy childhood you want for him?

"if I can address him in a different way that he will respond better to"

I am going to assume that you are not screaming at him, that you treat him respectfully and normally. In that case, it is he who must change.  You need to INSIST that he gets treatment immediately. Today. At the same time you must not stay with someone who is behaving in this way. Must Not. Find a safer place for you and your son and pack your bags.

You mention he is diagnosed ADHD but doesn't 'wish' to take meds. Well he can wish until the cows come home, but he is at risk of having access to his child taken away by a judge or social services.  ADHD is not an excuse for an abuse.

I know that you are remembering your courtship and wishing he could be the same person he was. That was ADHD hyperfocus. It's hard to hear, but it was.  There is no chance of him improving until he thoroughly gets that -

1/ his behaviour must change for his family to remain intact

2/ he must get treatment immediately

3/ treatment will probably involve meds

Those need to come first before you contemplate continuing your relationship with him. It is WRONG for you to live in this way and it is wrong for your son.

 

I'm very sorry

What a terrible spot you are in. Sunlight is right, he needs treatment. ADHD usually gets worse with stress which a child is. Non med treatments are pretty basic: sleep, eat healthy, exercise, meditation. But he has to recognize the problem and the need to change. Meanwhile schedule discussions for his best time to talk. Some do well when out for a walk. After meals but before tired. Never first thing in the morning. Use I statements. Read Orlov's book, and Pera's.  Good luck.

Misery

If I can say it, I don't see why you should have to live with this misery. You shouldn't. if you were my bf or sister I would tell you to get out of there. Listen to your list: lying, sneaking things, violent, sexually disrespectful. And so defensive that you can't talk to him and he tries to shut you down with anger. Been there with that one. Been there with all of these.

Violence is not ok, of course, nor is any of this stuff. The sh&t hit the fan in our house after children, too, and I think much of it was due to stress. But he can't deal with it this way, no sir. I think that ADHD brains are very sensitive to stress and mine reacted very similarly when life got busier and I needed him. Be on your guard. Violence can escalate and the idea that he is not controlling himself around your son is frightening. I would start packing right now. 

Best to you. You have a young child to look out for. Do you have friends or family that can help if you need a break to figure things out? Please don't live with him like this if he is not willing to address it. I am so sorry you are going through this.