help please losing control of my family im failing help

help what do i do when ive done everything possible to help surport my family and failed what todo next

i love my family but they need me where do i  from here.....

please suggest internet sites, suggestions, books,or any thing that i can do because im spiraling ot of control and wheres that leave my family.........................

my family in brief.........husband of 16 yrs adhd/anxiety/minor depression can see worsoning,

teen 13yrs daughter adhd /depression, son 11yrs adhd/bullied at school sad could become depressed, daughter 9 yrs old adhd/odd/learning difficulties and bullied but doesnt understand life,

yeap me im included but i need help to save my adoring loving family please respond

i dont work so why am i failing please help me make my family cope and become happier

Family out of control

You need to connect with a person who can help you navigate your difficulties - either a therapist or an ADD coach, perhaps?  (One would help you with the out of control feelings, while the other could give you specific resources and strategies on a daily basis to try to make the immediate situation better.)

As parents, we always want to think that we can control what happens to our children...any parent of a depressed, bulimic or anti-social child can tell you that "control" is elusive at best.  So don't beat yourself up and make your situation worse because you worry about not being in control - spend that "worry" energy on seeking out a person to help you and then working with that person to see what specific things might improve things for you and your family.

As a resource, read "SuperParenting for ADD" by Dr. Hallowell if you haven't done so yet.  Also, talk with the school about the bullying for your son.  There have been enough high profile issues around bullying lately that school officials are starting to take this more and more seriously.  They can work with his teachers, playground supervisors and students to help stop it.  Another good resource for you as regards all of your kids (but particularly your son, I would guess) is "The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness", also by Dr. Hallowell. He lays out a specific process that can help kids develop self-esteem.

Lots of people with ADD are also depressed (it's depressing to fight every day to do stuff that is easy for others to do) and these two books may help you gain some insight into positive ways to support them all.  But they also should be talking with their various doctors about depression and ADD treatment (you don't mention what is happening re: treatment...) if that's not already happening.  One particularly good treatment for depression is regular exercise.  Perhaps there is some way you can help promote that with your family.  You'll all find that it helps a lot.

You aren't failing.  You aren't responsible for the fact that your family members have ADD.  Neither are they, for that matter!  They just have it, the same way they have a certain eye color.  But you are overwhelmed, and you definitely need to keep reaching out because if you are going to remain strong you need support.  Treating ADD and depression and the like is not something that one person does - it takes lots of people and lots of support and lots of connection.  If you can, consider talking with a therapist who knows about ADD and can help you sort out your feelings around failure.  Again, let me repeat, you are not failing...even though it feels that way because of how much you love your family.  You can't "save" them but you can contribute to creating an environment in which they may be able to succeed.  I'm guessing you do some of that already...and hopefully these books and some professional help can help you feel even better about your role.

melissa thank you

thank u so much i feel hope and i will do your suggesstions some i have and i will keep goin

they are all medicated and see regular peditrician and my husband add is to but yhanku for letting me know im not failing i feel abit stronger thank u

Hang in there!

Hi, I just wanted to reach through the screen and give you a hug. Life sucks sometimes and it sounds like you are really experiencing a bad period in yours. I have been there and just want to say, without sounding like a Pollyanna, it DOES get better; the kids grow up and move on and they love you immensly for the efforts and care you have put into your family all these years. I know that if not for some close friends and family a good therapist, it would have been doubly hard for me. I now have a 26 year old with a 14 year history of anxiety disorder/depression and a recently diagnosed 10 year old with same. I am also 'organizationally- challenged' aka adult ADHD and quite a trial at times for my black and white, never-loses-a-thing sweet husband. Our 26 year old is on his own, supports himself, is thankful for my help and love (and tough love many times over the years). He is a great source of perspective and help for our new challenges with his little brother. We all have a great relationship and the ups and downs and differences are just an accepted part of it. Not to say the whole thing hasn't felt so incredibly overwhelming and unmanageable at times that I thought seriously of packing my bags and running away to a cozy little cottage on a lake all for my self. But I am also glaringly aware that I am a huge part of the 'madness' in our lives and am grateful for the tolerance and acceptance I receive, so I just make sure to remember that tomorrow is another day. A therapist or friend that you trust and can support you during the more challenging and overwhelming months/years is a must along with open and trusted communication with teachers. Most importantly, and without intent to trivialize any of this, I find that a sick sense of humor, a good night's sleep and a 'this too shall pass' attitude are sometimes the ONLY things that work for me. I wish you many, many better days ahead.

jules well done and thanku

hi thanku for your response u have done great and stil are .i feel so much better knowing soon it will become easier i hope i follow in your foot steps u deserve a medal well done

 i will have heaps of many better days ahead now i can see that from what u have said

thanku i know im just in a dark spot at the moment but u have give me more strength and hope

keep up on having the strenth and the passion to keep doing what u doing because u r doing great i thanku and wish u many happy days ahead for u

This feels like prison

I am an ADHD mother, married for 21 years, three daughters, two of which are ADD (no hyperactivity).  Youngest is 14 tomorrow and is managing her ADD symptoms as best (I think) as possible, takes Adderol on school days.  Part of the problem is placing her in public high for her freshman year (she had been in a private learning different school for a year, which was awesome and really excellent healing & confidence building for her, but costs insane amount & we couldn't continue) & freshman year is hard on a lot of kids.  Her anxiety has been triggered by the pressures not to mention the hormone issues for ADHD girls.  Finally just got a 504 plan in place for school  -  yeah!  It may help a little.  The part that is absolute hell is the fact that I (no pity party intended here, but...) feel that I walk completely alone in this.  My husband does not accept any of the issues as real or valid; refuses to learn or really listen and apparently thinks all is brought on by my complacency with the girl.  I realize that she may have other issues related to impulsiveness because the things that come out of her mouth are really bad sometimes.  I feel as if I am raising four kids at present because my husband seems so  immature in his communication skill level.  Yelling is what he does & I find myself behaving like a protector and it feels quite co-dependent (yes he has addiction issues that he's working on).  It has gone from bad to worse and I avoid engaging him at all as the only time we sometimes get along lately is if we are out with adult friends with no child contact.  In the past several weeks he negative nature has turned so that every contact is him yelling or complaining.  What I want is to end the relationship with him as I know my depression is not an issue when he's not in the center of things.  He is disabled, so is home always.  I work a lot, I spend most of my other time with the kids AWAY from the house as it is that unpleasant.   The mutual resentment is unbearable.  In the past we have tried counseling, but he'll no longer go as, in his opinion, it always comes around to his dependency and denial and he invariably storms out of sessions. He clearly wants out, too, and we've tried to break it, but he won't go, saying when he finishes getting off the prescription meds everything will be better.  I seriously doubt it as it becomes more and more obvious every day that he really can't stand me (there's no longer any signs of fondness whatssoever).  What I want to get some bearings on is:  how much of the tension between us could be about the ADHD issue (mine and my daughters')??  

Thank you for listening.