Help! Undiagnosed ADHD destroying our marriage.

 

I am so overwhelmed and frustrated with my husband's ADHD symptoms.  I know he has it but he refuses to go for testing or get help.  He was a premature baby in an incubator for at least a month.  He has severe attention problems, organization, etc.  To the point where he can't even attend long enough to close a cupboard door after he opens it.  Seriously, after he is in the kitchen, its like a tornado hit.  

But the bigger problem is this.  Weve been married for a year and a half.  He is from another country and has been here in the states for a year and NO job, he is supposed to finish his Masters and hes NOT studying.  He doesn't have his liscence so I moved a block from a college and he hasnt taken advantage of the opportunity!!! He decided he doesn't like that school because they decided not to waiver his need to take the GRE so hes pissed.  Now he wants us to move back to new england!!! so he can apply at freaking MIT!  I mean I finally have a great paying job here, so in this economy, he wants me to move, leave my job, and support him while he goes to some fancy new england college cause this state is not good enough!  He has had a job offered to him recently at Target but didnt even read the documents the boss gave him so he got his drug testing too late and they wouldnt hire him!! I work 40 hrs a week and the house is totally trashed!  I spend all my days off cleaning and cooking cause he doesnt do much of anything but chat on computer.  He doesnt try hard to get work.  Basically, I can't take it anymore.  I tried setting a boundary so i wont get taken advantage of.  I told him you have one month to get a job or go back to your country and finish your degree there!  He said what if i dont get a job.  I said well i want you to keep a journal showing you contacted 2 jobs each day and write the phone numbers so i can call them (cause hes lied about applying places before). Anyways, he just got very pissed and said he wont do it.  So hes starting applying to MIT on his own.  He said ill do my own thing and you do yours and he doesnt talk much to me or help!   So as you can see im at my witts end!! Any advice.  Im a Christian so obviously i am trying to do my ALL to make this work out!!! Lord help us.  

this sounds so familiar

 

I'm so sorry, artsygal, to read your post. We all know that there isn't really anything you can do to make him change. The only thing that I find helps me is to focus on my needs. Sometimes that means taking a warm bubble bath. Sometimes that means I make plans to get out of the house and do something with my girlfriends, and take a break from my husband. The less I focus on his issues, the more he has to attend to them; sometimes that makes a difference in his behavior. But even if it doesn't, at least I feel better, because I've been taking care of myself more, and his stuff is on the back burner of my concerns.

Peace,

Bubba